An Unforgotten Heroine Fights to Reclaim Her Memories in REMEMBER ME

Title: Remember Meremember_me_capcom_game_-_cover_art1
Developer:
DONTNOD
Distributor:
CAPCOM
Platforms:
PC/PS3/XBOX360

Pros:
-Beautifully detailed environments
and graphics
-Uniquely interesting, psychologically
powerful and captivating storyline
-Personally customisable upgrades
-Fight scenes are fun
-Entertaining puzzles
-Nice, digitally inspired musical score

Cons:
-Camera angels can occasionally
be irritable
-Controls take a while to learn
-Limited availability to exploration
-Vast quantity of hints take away
from one’s general enjoyment

Rating (out of 10): 8.5

Summary: A character oriented, powerfully gripping sci-fi oriented title with a terrific, lead female protagonist who pushes the narrative forward until the very end.

This particular review is based upon my experience with the XBOX360 version.

‘My name is Nilin, and this time, you will remember me.’

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Female protagonists; in movies they are a dime a dozen. It isn’t everyday a warrior woman comes blasting through the doors, but in games, every so often a woman of unfathomable grace comes exploding through the screen with unparalleled charisma, potential and power. Remember Me’s ‘Nilin’ is certainly soon to join the ranks of these prior heroines. Unlike the stereotypical dragon slayer, Nilin exhibits emotions. She does not like the idea of innocents being caught between her and her target; she feels empathy towards others, and she is concerned whether her actions are helping those around her or if she is simply another antagonist. This alone makes her an incredibly well rounded character that you immediately begin to enjoy playing as. Of course, the fact she can take on a large group of fighters all at once and get out reasonably uninjured and is additionally a gorgeous minx with the body of an hour glass does not hurt her alluring appeal either.

I apologise if I come off sounding like a sex crazed loon – that is not my intent. So often in games, female characters are objectified as sex symbols. Take Angie from Psychotoxic for instance – she spends the game running around flaunting her thong. This decision by the developers takes away from the experience when portraying a certain character. In the games industry, often female characters are visualised as being unable to acquire the same large audiences as games where males play the lead role. Epic Games for instance back in March admitted that they would never have the leading protagonist in any Gears of War game be a heroine. Adjunctively, according to online sources, it has been speculated that Dontnod Entertainment had some difficulty attempting to acquire a distributor for Remember Me as it was doubted that the game could acquire such a mass audience, with the review on Gamespot going so far as to say that Nilin was focused upon too much, which prevented the other characters from coming to life. Many of these characters are men, and in this particular title the men take the back seat whilst Nilin drives the narrative forward.

After each Episode (level), Nilin reminisces over what has happened thus far and thinks about the ramifications of her choices and the kind of person that she is. In most games the player shoots first and never contemplates the consequences of their decisions or the loss of their humanity from taking another life, which is a major difference about Nilin; she does. This vulnerability of hers is perfect at showing her humanity. True, she is a hero and there is the expectation that she is to be big and strong, but she also comes off as the kind of young women you could totally be BFF’s with. This assists with her becoming such a likable and very understandable character, for the player does not just see her physical appearance, but her emotional interior as well, and it is very enjoyable to watch such a real character coming to life before one’s eyes.

Nilin herself, although as previously mentioned is physically beautiful, her physicality is not what is focused upon. Many other games seem quite  misogynistic when developing women as pure sex objects, whereas Nilin is fully clothed. Sure, her cleavage is partially visible, but unlike in many games where a woman’s breasts stick out from her chest like two cannons on a pirate’s ship, in Remember Me, the lead female protagonist is not exactly flat chested, but her lady parts are not the focus of what draws the gamer to admire her so – it is her character as a woman; her emotion; her charisma; her attitude. The actress who voices Nilin, Kezia Burrows, does a fabulous job at bringing the character to life, but her mannerisms also assist with this. When she is splashed with water, Nilin sighs and grunts, throwing the water off her body and wiping it from her face. She shields her eyes from fire and she looks behind her when running from enemies as to know exactly where they are. She gasps and sighs in all the right places and when she is anxious she reassures herself ; ‘okay, get up Nilin! You can do this!’ These small aspects make her so much more human, and although I will admit that games are simply designed to entertain, sometimes sheer action is not enough to do just that. Sometimes a person can be as entertaining as an action scene, and Nilin herself is a real pleasure to watch and control throughout the entire experience.

Okay, first things first; Remember Me is powered by the Unreal Engine. I don’t know about others, but I on occasion cringe when this is revealed to me. Either, the graphics are going to be really good (Mass Effect, Bioshock) or they’re not (Gears of War (1), Singularity). Luckily, Remember Me is the former, rather than the latter. The cinematics often move from Nilin walking into a new environment to broadly showing the entire region in all of its futuristic appeal. Towering skyscrapers, large flying ships and intricate holographic advertisements are just some of the marvelously detailed creations the player will bear witness to, each of which is beautifully conceived, showing the impeccable vision that is Neo Paris 2084 in all of its glory.

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The characters too are well detailed, especially their clothes, which look amazing upon each of the individuals, whether they have a pivotal role to play or are simply civilians you happen to walk by. The robots too that live amongst the humans are additionally well designed to such an extent you can see the detail in each and every one of their parts, from their wires to the metal casing that surround their exterior.

Walking near businesses and other such buildings and like places will cause holographic screens to immediately appear around you, articulating what the place is and what is on offer. The developers have gone to a great extent to make the player feel as though they are a part of the world, and by God they have done an amazing job at making the world welcome the player with open arms into the future.

Of course, although I have described how beautiful the future of Paris is, it ain’t exactly a Utopia. SENSEN, a massive monopoly in the future is in the business of memories; buying, selling, changing; you name it. This here is the most lucrative venture in the future. Memories are knowledge which in itself is power, and SENSEN dominates it all. A person can for instance purchase a happy memory rather than living it, and happy memories can be stolen just as easily. A world where your thoughts; your feelings; everything you are is free to the highest bidder? Now that is something else entirely!

Errorists on the other hand are a small group of people fighting to keep their memories to themselves and to bring SENSEN to its knees. These people seek to remove the unjustly error of creating such a tyrannical business. Nilin herself is one of them; one of the best as well.

The game begins with her memories unfortunately being sucked right out from her skull. The sound of her screaming in excruciating agony as her brain is wiped of all knowledge is almost too much to bear as shudders no doubt run up and down your spine. The game itself is not violent in the sense that blood is sprayed across the walls; all of it is psychological. People plead for their lives as you go to rip into their minds; people scream as their brains implode from the inside. This game may not be in your face violent, but it certainly ain’t for the faint of heart either. Today we live in a world where our thoughts and memories are sacred, but the very idea that they are not and can be stolen is unbelievably frightening, and the developers cash in on this particular ideology.

The opening cinematic of Nilin losing her memories immediately causes the player to feel a great deal of sympathy towards her. Although initially we do not know this young lady, we will be playing as her and almost feel her pain as our own. She stumbles out of her cell, being led down the hall, told that her pain has only just begun and there is one final process to completely eradicate all of her thoughts that she is yet to experience. Nilin is forced into a queue and is then made to watch as people have their final thoughts sucked out, their screams ricocheting about the halls.

Safe to say not everything goes according to plan, with Edge, the brother of Nilin contacting her and efficaciously assisting her to break out. With little knowledge of her surrounds, the player and Nilin form a quick attachment, for neither of us know anything about the city, who we are, or what we are supposed to do, which further helps us adjust to her as not just a character, but as a human being. Nilin is initially scared and freaked out beyond belief, and although it is not typical to see the heroine losing it, this moment works unbelievably well.

Nilin however cannot be too freaked for long because soon enough she needs to get dirty. Although Nilin lost all knowledge of her fighting skills and her abilities, she is a fast learner and can adequately reacquire them. At the beginning of the game Nilin is unfathomably weak, and the combat scenes seem a bit of a drag – they take time to complete and the fact that the keys take a while to learn additionally doesn’t help matters. Nilin’s health is unfathomably low and if you are anything like me, you feel as though Nilin will be unsuccessful initially in the first few fights. In fact at one point a cinematic causes Nilin to lose most of her health and then forces her to go up against a good five combatants; not very fun!

Nilin as previously mentioned does reacquire her skills, which is only too good to be true! In the BACK menu, the player is able to enhance Nilin’s abilities. Her fighting skills come down to three separate flavors; damage, regenerate and recharge. Now, each attack does ‘damage’ per se, but the player is able to increase the overall efficiency of each attack. Regenerate on the other hand (Y in combat) will provide the player with a small boost to their health with each critical hit. Lastly, recharge provides an extra boost to Nilin’s abilities, enabling her to use them more often. A mandatory cooling down process is activated after each use, and by using the recharge ability, Nilin is able to quicken its pace.

During the game, the player is able to personally customise their abilities, to a certain degree of course, but they do have a little leeway denied in other games that strictly state ‘you must follow this particular upgrade tree.’ In Remember Me, the player can create their own. With each attack combo, the player is able to select what benefits Nilin will acquire. For instance, the player could create an attack that does ‘damage, regenerate, damage, recharge, recharge.’ There are a multitude of other options of course; this here is just an example.

These combos however are not quite as easy to perform, as one needs to remember which keys to press. One can always return to the skills screen to see what is needed to successfully pull off a particular combo. Nilin will still acquire the benefits of each key that is successfully hit in the appropriate order, however, as soon as the player hits the wrong one, a new combo immediately begins.

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When Nilin’s abilities are used however, which is where the ‘recharge’ comes into it, none of this really matters. The player can more often than not press any key at any time depending on the power they have selected (only one can be used at any given time) and these do an unfathomable amount of reliable damage. When going up against groups of opponents, well, let’s just say they never stood a chance! When this happens, it is incredibly fun to watch for the enemies are basically helpless to even halter the attacks that Nilin devastates them with.

Nilin can increase her attacks effectiveness and decimate her opponents. She can toss in a grenade that will destroy enemy defenses, or she can render enemies temporally incapable of standing up for themselves, allowing her to attack them whilst ensuring they cannot fight back.

During combat, Nilin can flawlessly dodge out of an enemy’s reach (A), with the game alerting the player to an enemy’s attack before it takes place, giving them fair time to efficaciously move Nilin from one location to the next before she sustains damage. On top of this, Nilin can jump over her opponents, allowing her to continue her assault, or even her combo, on her opponent’s back, front or wherever she damn well pleases. Or, hell, she can just as easily jump to some new prey and inflict pain and suffering upon them too.

If this is not enough, Nilin can perform a devastating finishing touch (B) on some particular opponents that have been defeated, but not yet decimated. These often involve destroying one’s mind, and the player cannot help but cringe and smile at the exact same time as they watch enemy’s minds being invaded as Nilin thrusts her fist through their heads.

The issue with combat has nothing to do with how it is orchestrated, but more along the lines of how easy the scenes eventually become. As soon as the player becomes accustomed to the controls and Nilin begins to reacquire much of her old capabilities, she can smite her enemy with ease. Even when going up against a number of enemies at once, the chance of Nilin falling becomes less and less likely, which renders the originally challenging atmosphere moot.

However, even with this said, sometimes the game does go to the extreme, and the player finds themselves up against a large mass of bad guys. True, these scenes are not always terribly challenging, but on a few occasions you cannot help but stare in awe at the sheer amount of enemies the game has just thrown at you, and it’s even more ludicrous that the game expects you to survive. Of course, Nilin has to, but in reality, it is doubtful even a well trained militarian strike team would come out without a scratch.

Boss battles too are not genuinely terrible to face down, although all of them do originally appear incredibly powerful, each of which always presenting something new, not two battles being alike in nature. These battles often are a little time consuming as you attempt to discover the appropriate methodology needed to eradicate the threat, each boss being a fun challenge to decimate. Some bosses are best eliminated by being in close proximity to them as to keep from allowing such combatants the use their long range attacks, whilst others are the exact opposite, and it is best to keep as far away from them as possible until Nilin has the advantage of striking a vicious blow.

One part of the battles that is entertaining is that not every opponent can be efficaciously eliminated in the same manner as the last. Robots for instance can only be eliminated by blowing them into smithereens. On other occasions, some opponents carry shields that must initially be broken before the enemy themselves can be attacked, and other opponents are immune to all attacks until their defenses have been temporarily taken offline. Simply put, the player is forced to adjust to every fight differently, which keeps the fighting fresh and invigorating which ensures it does not become stale.

As entertaining as these fight scenes can be, and I am not denying that they often are very fun to fight through, the game often works best when it is not a pure fighting experience. There are a few occasions when it is just fight scene after fight scene after fight scene, and on a couple of those occasions I personally felt like saying ‘okay, enough is enough!’ More often than not I acquired more enjoyment when Nilin was evading security, climbing through areas or taking out a couple bad guys every so often, not when she was forced to go up against entire armies time after time.

However, moving back to the topic of complete and utter destruction, every opponent killed delivers points that unlock additional upgrades to help with combat performance. Additionally, there are bits and pieces of upgrades available across the world for one to acquire. Collecting five health upgrade devices will permanently provide Nilin with another health bar, which is damn well necessary in preserving her existence. Power upgrades can increase the longevity of her abilities (again, five are required) and memory fragments too are placed about the environment which allow her to recover her memories about the futuristic world we inhabit.

For these to be acquired, the player needs to explore, and a problem can be encountered here. Although environments are large and beautiful, they are also restrictive. As soon as a player goes in the direction of their objective (more often than not unintentionally because the game doesn’t exactly say which way is which) a cut scene will often begin to play, after which Nilin will not be allowed to venture back because often she is sealed into the next area. On top of this, the game often checkpoints when this occurs, preventing the player from reverting to their previous automated save to ensure some further exploration can be achieved. Basically, if you miss an item; you miss it permanently, which is just frustrating.

If the game can be relied upon for one thing, it is checkpointing, which seems to happen quite frequently. On top of this, after every major battle, often Nilin can find a health kit around the corner which will replenish all of her lost vitality. If this is not enough, the game also babies the player a little more often than it probably should. Whenever something is unlocked, the game provides helpful hint after helpful hint, explaining every little thing in great detail. Although this proves to be of assistance, since every rookie Remember Me player is initially a layman on first play through, the wealth of information can sometimes make one feel a little as though the game is belittling your general intellect; if something is explained, it doesn’t need to be reiterated with alternate words or phrases. This is not only a little insulting, but also takes time away from kicking ass and taking names, and after acquiring a new upgrade the first thing you want to do is test it on the first poor sap you can lay your fingers on, not be told all about it over and over and over.

Although as previously mentioned, the game is initially very beautiful, the first level (not including Episode Zero) is set in decadent slums, which although look finely crafted, do not reflect the gorgeous visuals which can be procured later. The fighting is not nearly as fun as it is later when going up against SENSEN Security, for it feels wickedly sick to outsmart a large cluster of well trained soldiers. For the first hour, although the visuals are stunning and the storyline is captivating, the gloomy atmosphere and surrounds, along with the enemies you encounter is blatantly dark and grim. The game in fact seems to lag at the start, but by the second episode you are finally introduced to a far wealthier area and the game does what it does best; entertain your socks off! If only the first hour could have been just as effective, then I might have been hooked right from the start, but instead, the player is forced to wade through a wee bit of the game before discovering how much of a gem Remember Me truly is.

Although one will no doubt spend a bit of time admiring their environment, visuals themselves play a large role in the game. While moving about the world, image files can be uploaded to certain locations that show where an item can be found. If the player wishes to later find said item, they need to study the environment the photo showcases. Visuals again have a large role to play when shifting through a player’s mind and altering their memory. When this occurs, the player is able to rewind a character’s memory back, and as it begins to play once more, they have the opportunity to alter certain aspects of the world the memory occurred in; they can move items, exchange objects, turn things on or off; there are a vast quantity of actions that can be taken. Visual cues are provided to help show when the player is able to take action, however these are fast and can be easily missed, hence the mandatory need for the player to pay particular attention to their surrounds. Of course, dire ramifications can occur if the player inadvertently changes something in the memory they shouldn’t (there is always a set mission directive when altering a person’s memory, and it is not always as simple as changing every single thing). On occasion the player will need to repeat the process several times to acquire the desired effect, the game being alarming kind to the player and allowing them the opportunity to continuously repeat the process until they have succeeded without the need to return to a checkpoint, et al. These particular puzzles are genuinely fun to solve, and the challenge they bring adds another unique fixture to the game. Although such can prove a little annoying (due to the fiddly controls), they never lose their appeal, and if anything, the only really disappointing factor about these are the significant lack of them, being an incredibly rare puzzle to find in the game.

Breaking into a person’s mind and kicking ass and taking names are not the only occurrences which transpire throughout the campaign, with Nilin adjunctively climbing through numerous sections. Climbing is very similar to other games (Enslaved: Odyssey of the West, Fuse, etc) and is often hardened with certain difficulties that Nilin must on occasion cross. These obstacles can include navigating around hazards, or even timed sequences when she must hurriedly move across a piece of the environment else she becomes knocked off. Climbing however is not without its hindrances, for it is in these moments that the camera decides to take over, the player no longer having any control where it decides to settle itself. On more than one occasion the camera decides to place itself in the most inconvenient location; either being extremely far away or at an odd angle. Whenever this occurs, on occasion the player is forced to venture a guess in which direction they may be forced to navigate in if what they are forced to jump to cannot be acutely seen. This is not always the case mind you, but when it does happen, it is certainly limiting to one’s enjoyment and is thus not as flawlessly articulated as other games where climbing sequences are engineered to a higher standard.

But don’t let any of these potentially negative issues remove any of the positive ideologies I have previously discussed, or even cause you to immediately fathom that the game is not worth procuring. Although original in its nature, the main reason a player will perhaps participate in such a campaign will be due to the character of Nilin herself. As mentioned at the beginning of this post, Nilin has had her memory stolen from her and is thus made to reacquire all that once made her who she is. To do this she is forced to help a number of characters, from her brother to other Errorists fighting to bring down SEMSEM. Due to this, over the course of the game Nilin wonders if she is really doing the right thing, and if she had her memories, would she actually be participating in such actions? Fearing that she may very well be working for an enemy organisation and is being manipulated; the constant fights she has with her own consciousness; and the journey she must undertake to discover the truth about who she really is, is an adventure in itself as amazing as the actual game.

In conclusion, despite a couple of issues, such do not take away from the player’s enjoyment, and Remember Me will ultimately prove to be a fun, futuristic experience quite unlike anything the player has discovered before.

Image References:

http://apa340.wordpress.com/2013/04/03/the-creepy-cull-of-female-protagonists/

http://www.digitaltrends.com/gaming/remember-me-review-caught-between-prescience-and-commerce/

http://www.gamingadvance.com/new-remember-me-gameplay-shows-off-innovative-combat-system/

http://www.justpushstart.com/2013/06/remember-me-review/

Getting her out of my System

 

It would seem that I am still having considerable trouble attempting to adapt to a life that does not involve the woman that I had fallen for. After been told two Sunday’s ago that a relationship was not a possibility because the feelings I have are not shared by the woman that I love, my, you could say, heart, is still yet to properly fathom that information. Or perhaps it is just my ego, since I had not expected the negative response that I had given to me to be orchestrated. So, in an attempt to get over Elisha, the woman I still remarkably have feelings for after been rejected, I am dedicating this post to her, whilst hoping that releasing my feelings will help me move forward.

True, I am only twenty two and I shouldn’t be feeling a little desperate like it’s my final hour alive and I have no more time to waste looking for my one true love (I know, sickening, right?), but sometimes I just get fed up from not having someone with me. I don’t like beginning relationships after I have been in a previous one for a long term period, and the last relationship I was involved in concluded in January of 2011. I immediately began to develop feelings for Elisha in March of that same year, but I did not react on them based on principle – that, and I could not believe for a second that I would fall for another person so quickly, and an Australian for that.

Now, maybe I seem a little crude with my negative connotation of Australian’s in my last paragraph, but, and I have admitted this before so I don’t think I’m shaming myself too much by saying this; I have not once in my life had a romanticised relationship with an Australian woman before. I had a very close friendship with one Australian, who was a very good friend of mine, and I wanted it to be developed into something more and it was indeed on the verge of becoming a full blown romanticised relationship when that concluded. Forgive me if I fail to go into the details of that occurrence, which is a story quite unlike Elisha and I, and one I am not keen to divulge.

I will say that every time I have asked an Australian woman out (which is four times now), it has always been a negative response. Now, you may think ‘four times? That ain’t much’, but the thing with me is, I become attracted to people really easily. I don’t react on attraction. I rarely fall in love though, and I only attempt to have a relationship with someone when my feelings are absolute and true. My feelings for Elisha were this. That is why it will take me time to get over her, although I wish it was not the case. Somehow, we continuously seem to be bumping into each other more and more, despite the fact that there should only be another fourteen days left in the year when there is the distinct possibility of us seeing one another – then she will leave to Darwin and never return, and honestly, right now, I think I will be quite happy with that conclusion – because with Elisha in Melbourne – it is incredibly painful to have my failure, you could say, walking around.

Apparently it would seem that she could think less of me – in fact, it would even seem that if a single thought of me went through Elisha’s mind, it would be the fastest thing that was ever recorded. I mean absolutely nothing to her, and that is why it hurts – my feelings for her are the complete opposite of her own – on top of that, I always want what I cannot have, and I certainly cannot have Elisha, just like I cannot be King of Mars, which is why I want her so.

I have mentioned in the past, although I don’t think it was on this site, but to Elisha herself, that the aspect that attracted me to her was her capability to work proficiently. Whenever she put her mind to a task, she endeavored to complete said task to the best of her ability, and I found this trait to be quite attractive.

Whenever I have fallen for a woman, it was never her gorgeous good looks that made me have feelings for them; it was always another part of them; their intellect; their personality; their talent. In the case of Elisha, as previously mentioned, it was her work ethic, and because the feelings I had did not manifest from physical attraction originally, I knew that what I felt was real and true.

One thing I always found interesting about Elisha, was her communication style. When communing with friends, she was always loquacious. I will have to admit, I am not usually fond of people who talk a lot, and to be honest with you, I am quite often not very fond of the friends that the women I fall for have, and the same especially went for Elisha.

However, returning to her style of communication. Although she was garrulous among friends, when it came to speaking with people of authority, including communication professionals, or talking with groups that were consistent of ten people or more, she would suddenly become incredibly nervous. This shyness of hers I found odd, for physically and mentally I felt there was nothing wrong with her that would cause this trait of hers to manifest itself so strongly that it would cause her to squeak like a mouse or stammer on her words.

What I felt most intriguing about my feelings was that it seemed I had convinced myself that a relationship was possible because Elisha liked me just as I liked her. I have actually mentioned below what drew me to such conclusions, and what alternatively could have shown me that I was terribly wrong:

-In April, I rested my arm on the back of Elisha’s chair and she pulled away. If there was ever a clearer ‘no’, I am yet to see it.

-In late August, I provided Elisha with information that would help with a PowerPoint presentation assignment after she asked for my assistance. I had mentioned to her earlier in the year that I did not give out things for free and would ask for something in return, a condition which she accepted. This time, I mentioned to her that if she happened to use any of the info I provided, that perhaps she ought to take me out to dinner as a sign of ‘thanks’. The next time we saw each other, her friend went to sit near me, and Elisha dragged her away and said ‘I think he likes me’ and indicated towards me before sitting as far away from where I was seated as possible. No?

-Elisha felt confident enough to admit to me that she was nervous about giving the PowerPoint presentation to the class. I consulted her and told her ‘you’ll do fine gorgeous’ and squeezed her arm, and she did nothing to stop me from doing so.

-Elisha never used the information I provided to her. Or said she didn’t. Both are no’s I wager?

-Elisha skipped two classes that I was in after the presentations.

-The next time I saw Elisha, she said ‘hi’ to me, and said so in a very nervous tone. Yes? No?

-In that same class, she moved to sit closer to her friend, and then for the rest of the class couldn’t keep her eyes off me. I thought at the time that she had thought about a relationship with me and had concluded that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.

-Closer towards the end of the semester, I invited Elisha to a book launch that I was invited to. She said ‘no’ – a friend of hers had a birthday. The launch was moved back by two days and so I invited Elisha again, and received another ‘no’ – she was busy – a friend’s birthday. Two birthday’s in one week – that is either one helluva coincidence – or one helluva ‘no’ – maybe she simply lacked imagination to come up with a more decent reason not to go with me.

-However, after the book launch, Elisha apologised to my face for not being able to go. I said that it was no problem; that, as I had put it ‘I got two chicks to go with me’, these two women being friends of mine. Elisha suddenly looked taken aback by this comment and said ‘oh’ in a very jealous tone and quickly changed the subject.

-Back in May of this year, after Elisha and I had not communicated for quite a while, she said ‘hi Naughty’ (Naughty not being my real name) when I walked past her. She had been waiting for her friends to accompany her out, neither of whom had arrived when she spoke to me out of the blue.

-The week after during class, Elisha frequently looked in my direction from where she was seated right on the other side of the room.

So that is what influenced me to think that Elisha liked me, yet, at the same time made me wonder if she felt nothing for me at all.

Was I right to think that Elisha liked me? Obviously not since she apparently doesn’t, but, seriously, I think this is a must for me; was I right to make such interpretations based on the experiences that I mentioned above? Call it my need to know, and since Elisha wants nothing to do with me now, I sure can’t ask her such a question.

Also, I know that Elisha has stated that she doesn’t want to begin anything too serious for at the moment she wishes to study, and then focus on her career for the next five to ten years. Would this have anything to do with her answer to my relationship? Before you may or may not answer that, please consider this – Elisha has said in the past that she wants to fall in love. So, with that said, I ask again – does her want to focus on work affect her relationship capabilities?

I know that a couple bloggers have respectively told me that I should respect her wishes to not continue a relationship, move on, or even make her partially regret not having a relationship with me. I agree, all of these are important notions that I have accepted. I only wish to have answers to help me better understand where everything went wrong to help me officially move on, and to ensure I don’t make the same outrageous mistakes again in the future.

Thank you for reading and for any answers you may provide.

Sincerely and with kind regards

Naughty Nefarious.

A Predictable Failure?

For anyone who has frequented certain previous posts of mine, you would know that I have on (frequent) occasion mentioned my infatuation with a certain young lady named ‘Elisha’. Well, my ingenious plan was to tell this ominous young woman how I felt about her. I had written a few soporific pieces in regards to my feelings of infatuated love for her, and if you have endured the hardship of reading these deranged cries of love and heartache, then I feel it is my duty to fill you in with the conclusion to this reoccurring love story.

Think of this as your gift for reading all of the previous romanticised drivel that I have thrust upon the pages of this site. Every story is deserving of an ending, even one as tired and boring as the one I have generated on this blog, so allow me to give you the end; in great, verbose detail.

If you have not read my previous posts, then here is quick and very brief recap (of course, my definition of ‘brief’ usually spans around two thousand words).

Two years ago, a young woman named Elisha from Darwin, the capital city of the Northern Territory, made her way to Melbourne and began to attend the same university as I, appearing in a number of my classes. I immediately became attracted to the commitment she applied to her work, in which she endeavored to accomplish everything she began with all of her capability. I found this personal drive of hers to be very attractive, and the fact that she was incredibly beautiful was just an added bonus. Smart, easy to communicate with and with a great personality to boot, she was gorgeous, and often dressed in rather short attire (so short that at times if it had been any shorter her vagina may have made an entrance); to me she was the bees knees.

I came to the conclusion that my telling her how I felt might adversely affect her time in Melbourne if it all went belly up, and so left it to the final semester of our final year together to tell her how I felt.

Well, now with that recap over, I can officially announce that Saturday past was the day that I told her how I felt – via e-mail. Yes; daggy, pathetic, and absolutely without dignity.

‘Why?’ you might ask me, stunned by this sudden admittance. ‘Why use e-mail. Why not confess it to her face?’

Well, you see, I think I’m too much of a gentleman (meaning I’m too much of an emotionally weak bastard) to admit anything to Elisha’s face, although I had every intention of doing so. I asked her at the beginning of Friday if I could borrow some of her time to discuss with her something that was weighing on me. She agreed to do so at the end of the day.

So, I waited, and waited, and waited, and after I had done waiting all that time I then began to get started on waiting some more.

Finally, by the day’s conclusion at approximately 3:46, Elisha and I had our moment to talk; all six seconds of it. The conversation went something like this:

Elisha: ‘Did you want to talk to me?’

The idiot (me): ‘Yes, but if you’re busy we can reschedule to talk next week.’

Elisha: ‘E-mail it to me, okay?’ (Quickly hurries for the door and is already half way across the room)

The idiot: ‘Okeay doakey’ (is this spelt right?)

Okeay Doakey? As I said it, the words did not even seem to be coming from my mouth. You know that moment, when it is like you are watching something from afar rather than actually participating in the occurrence? I personally had never had this happen to me and doubted it could happen – but believe me, if you have not yet experienced it, allow me to tell you – this kind of crap is real – and I warn you, it can, and will happen – if you let it.

Let my experience be a warning to you – now please, go out and live damn it, live!

Anyway – judging by Elisha’s power walk to the door that very action should perhaps have alerted me to the fact that Elisha’s want to talk to me was about as potent as my want to be eaten by a Great White Shark – which I do not want to have happen. My point? I think I should have realised Elisha did not really want to talk. Of course, been a Friday night she probably had a couple parties to get to.

So, on Saturday morning I managed to get up bright and early at around 4 a.m. to write my feelings down. She had told me to write to her, so I felt that I was doing her justice by following her wishes. In the end, I wrote five whole pages worth of me feelings, followed by a love poem.

I have no intention of producing either the confession or love, or the poem. No need to thank me, okay – please, thank me! Yes, yes, I appreciate your warm gratitude. Now, now, don’t get carried away! Please, hold the applause! Okay, let it go! Applaud me baby! YAY!

I will tell you that I confessed to being in love with Elisha. I outlined what I liked about her, and why I had these feelings for her, and then I explained why it had taken me all this time to confess my feelings as I outlined in the ‘brief’ recap. I then asked if she felt a romanticised, legitimate, long term relationship could happen between the two of us, and if she could provide to me an answer to my face, rather than with a tweet, e-mail, voice mail, txt or other like service in case there was a misunderstanding brought on by anything that did not involve direct verbal commentary.

Elisha however decided that the last point I had made in the e-mail was laughable – because she did exactly the opposite and at 11:05 Sunday morning sent her response by e-mail. Now, this I will provide to you:

Naughty (this part (my name) has been changed, obviously. If I actually went around being called ‘Naughty’, who do you think would have been blamed for the past twenty two years every time a cookie disappeared from the cookie jar?)

I just read your e-mail, and although I am flattered by your affection for me, I do not feel the same way.

I hope you can understand where I am coming from and that we can keep things at a professional relationship.

Sincerely

Elisha

P.s (I always thought the ‘s’ in ‘P.S’ was meant to be capitalised. Go figure?) I know you would have preferred me to tell you this in person, but I think my response is clear enough that there shall be no issues with its interpretation.

So, after all this time blogging about this woman of my dreams (not in every post but in at least a good quarter of them) everything officially went belly up.

For anyone who has not read my blog before, you may take one look at what I just wrote and think ‘Jeeze, does this guy e-mail every woman he fancies? He must have never hit a home run!’

However, let me assure you I have had a girlfriend before, bearing in mind it was two years ago, back when people went around clubbing each other over the head with wooden sticks and wore the skin of animals over their private parts. When I did confess me feelings to that particular young woman, it was flawless, and happened a lot easier than this occasion. I told Elizabeth (my then soon to be girlfriend), (I must have an ‘E’ complex, first Elizabeth, now Elisha) that I wanted to be more than friends. Of course, I said this after I pushed her up against a wall in my home and kissed her lips for a good few minutes, before we later went to bed and had lots and lots and lots and lots of…………..food. Yes, hot, steamy, exhausting, passionate, sweaty food. Okay, that’s enough innuendo for one day!

So, now you know how that ended. My Elisha, who is in fact not my Elisha, is to be never more.

Unfortunately, I have found that trying to get over her is a very difficult thing to do, and it would seem that I am completely and utterly in love with her. If I didn’t know this before, then the fact that I am borderline heartbroken due to the fact that I can’t be with her now should indicate that quite clearly to me in vivid heart wrenching detail.

Of course, I do feel that I screwed up, and that on the Friday I should have been a little more persuasive. This is all heading towards a question that I would like to put to my audience. That is if you survived this long…

…should I attempt anything over the next week or so to win Elisha over and gain her affection? This would include anything from kissing her, talking to her, etc, because I honestly am at a loss and would appreciate some much needed guidance. I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years as I pointed out previously, and I don’t know if it shows, but it would seem that I’m a little rusty; like a knight’s armour that was left out in the cold rain for forty five years.

Any answers would be much appreciated!

Thank you for reading people!

Sincerely and with kind regards

Naughty Nefarious

Broken, Done or Dying? Actually, just Dead!

 

Contains sexual references and coarse language.

Weird title? Not really – it basically describes how I will inevitably feel if everything goes belly up in regards to the current girl of my dreams; Elisha. Yes, back on this topic, and I decided I would dedicate an entire post to this subject matter, so if you do not want to be bored to tears by the soporific ideas of some love depraved love struck anti-hero – I suggest you flee immediately!

Now, some themes and ideas I have brought up in previous posts may come up during this topic, but that is just because they are directly tied in with this subject matter.

Now, I have mentioned before and I will say it again; I suck at deciphering the codes that women use. I have found that women emphasise less with vocabulary, and more with physicality; basically, they say more with their faces than with their mouths. I however could not interpret an ‘I love you’ from a ‘go screw yourself’. Hence I don’t ever act on anything in that regard. A woman could give me the ‘I fancy you’ look, and I would be able to interpret that as easily as I could fly to the moon using nothing more than a jet propelled pack constructed from tissue paper. A woman could give me the ‘I think you’re a douche’ look, and I would probably interpret that to mean the exact opposite, but still not act on my ideas from fear that I am wrong. Yes, fear, it can be a very powerful ally. It is also the one bitch that prevents you from getting anywhere in this world.

What I personally would like, is for women to go up to guys and say what is on their mind, rather than giving them a look from a distance. I can’t translate what intense and frequent gander’s means, or what raised eyebrows or smiles are meant to signify, or what bared teeth and a tongue sticking out is supposed to represent. What is so difficult with just walking up to a bloke and saying what is going through their mind? I of course mean all this in regards to relationships. I don’t mean, go up to a guy if you’re thirsty and say ‘I like diet soft drink and I’m gonna go get me self some’. No, I mean go up to a bloke and say ‘hey, I think you’re as hot as magma’ rather than staring at a guy from across the room.

I read once on the Facebook page of a Miami psychologist that apparently 92% of all men would rather women make the first move in instigating a relationship. 92%? That is a big friggin’ percentage! With my views, I probably make up 65% of that entire statistic.

That would be the benefit of women making the first move – there would be no more looks. They would do the talking rather than ogling blokes from a distance, and I would be in a finer position for it. I would for one, not be in the fine mess I am now, for if Elisha liked me – she would have said something. Or has she? That is the problem, for when women are not looking at blokes, they are insinuating ideals in their dialogue and behaviour. God, if women wrote a dictionary on their codes and their looks and such, I would be so much happier for it. Then I could look in the little book (it would probably be a huge friggin’ book) when a woman pokes her tongue out at me and say ‘oh, that means she either wants to lick me genitals – or she hates my rotten guts. Oh, she’s winking at me, and giving me the finger- yeah, she totally hates me.’

On top of interpretation of codes and hidden messages and the like is, of course, the competition. The problem is that men pursue women, not the other way around, which would be another benefit of women making the first move. So all women have to do is sit back and watch the potential lovers come up to ‘em. Men need to actually be the potential lovers, which is somewhat more complex. I believe that women often do not notice many blokes until they make contact and ask them out. Until that moment, a woman may know a bloke exists, but will see him in a neutral fashion because women are better at being friends with blokes than blokes are at being friends with women.

At high school, the only real competition are other high school students, and it is very easy to prove yourself better than the rest. Actually, it’s not, but if you can’t win on that battlefield, then you are gonna die alone, afraid, and a virgin when the real fighting starts. How come? Out in the real world, and by ‘real world’ I mean post high school, which is as real in the dating game as it is ever going to get, all of the women are now like free range hens, pardon the comparison. All of them are now on the market for all the men. Most men in their early to mid twenties are attracted to women in the same age group – women in their early to mid twenties. The problem? Men in their thirties, forties and fifties are attracted to women in the exact same age group! Hell, I’ve seen my father who is breaching sixty checking out friggin’ teenagers! He’s married BTW, and I dunno if that makes it better or worse.

Women are, and always have been attracted to older blokes. So, those guys in their thirties and so on have a much higher chance of gaining one of those young ladies than a bloke in his twenties does. How so? Older men are better equipped economically, professionally and sexually (as in experience), and are better equipped with transport and accommodation too. Would a woman be more interested in that? Or in a bloke in his mid twenties who still lives with mummy, has a job that pays about fifty bucks per day rather than five grand, has a wooden car with a wooden engine that when started up wooden go, and whose sexual experience ranges somewhere between nil and not much. Yeah, real attractive – my arse! (I was not describing myself just then, FYI).

Of course, the next issue after communication and competition are standards. Every single woman has the image of the perfect man in their minds eye, and if you do not fit that criterion, then you have already failed before the relationship has officially begun. Now, this is one section that I do know about. You see, the woman of my dreams has a blog. I ain’t gonna provide the link because I don’t want other blokes going over there, thinking she’s a fox and stealing her right out from under me! I’m already having enough trouble right now without adding any more to my list!

How so? Well, apart from issues with communication, there was my intro…the first day we met was at university during a Media Management in Public Relations class. Yes, the girl of my dreams wants to be a PR consultant of sorts. Well, PR consultant or no PR consultant, an intro is still an intro, no matter which woman you are attempting to woo. So, as for my intro – I get out of my chair, take two steps forward, trip over a chair that some bastard has left out, and nearly break my neck and flatten the girl of my dreams in the exact same moment. Yeah, real smooth. Lucky for me I grabbed hold of the table, and lucky for me it did support my weight, else that would have been the end. No, I ain’t fat, but those tables at university…you barely have to look at ‘em and they wobble. Falling on ‘em – hell, I would not recommend it in the future.

Moving on…So, I am going to provide a couple quotes from her blog to explain what she is after. Elisha’s dream man needs to be a chef, an electrician, a mechanic and a carpenter. He needs to be capable of changing a light bulb and the water in the car, and additionally needs to be skilled in child care.

Of these areas, I have potential in cooking, in changing the light globe, child care and…awwwwwwww fuck! A mechanic? I don’t even own a car! An electrician? A carpenter? Fuck me! No, she won’t be doing that any time soon! Not with the pathetic resume that I have to offer.

But wait, what is Elisha’s opinion on the subject matter. Here is a quote from her blog; ‘So wherever my future husband is, I know he will have these skills and if he doesn’t, I know that he will learn these new skills so we can build a life together.’

Okay, so perhaps things aren’t completely over yet. I do however have to learn the skills and prove myself competent in them to ensure a successful relationship. But a carpenter? I don’t want a carpet! I would rather have wooden floors! (I realise carpenters do not work with carpet – this is my sick idea of an ironic joke).

Additionally, Elisha had this to say; ‘I don’t have any preferences on how my future husband has to look. But I do have an impressive checklist of what qualifications he must hold before even considering wanting to marry me.’

So, basically, if Elisha chooses to be with someone, they could be friggin’ hideous, that is what this sentence is saying.  An impressive skill set? She wants the fuckin’ impossible! She wants fuckin’ superman for Christ sake! Also, I’m not saying I want to marry this woman, but I would like to have a long term relationship, which is looking less and less likely to occur with every paragraph I write of this post.

Adjunctively, Elisha has mentioned in the past to me that she is a strong believer in the Christian religion. I am an atheist. Is that going to spell doom and gloom? Wait a minute, if we were to get married…does that mean the wedding will take place in a church? Could I even go to church? Hypothetically, let’s just say God is real 100%. I’m an atheist, I walk into church – will He smite me down with lightning? Or will I spontaneously combust and catch fire from the spells and hexes placed across the church to prevent people such as myself who are inevitably doomed to end up in hell from entering? Oh no, perhaps I should call this whole relationship thing off…this is just far too strenuous. Second thoughts, Elisha is far too foxy and amazing to give up on just yet…moving on.

On a more serious note, returning to the views on Christianity, I want to know one thing. At the start of 2011, Elisha mentioned she was a virgin. Yes, quite the thing to admit to, but she did. Being a Christian, what is the chance that she believes in getting married before you know, having rudey nudey’s/ the deed/ a roll in the hay/ the time of our lives/ how else could I put this without putting it any other way? I am not asking this question because I am a sex crazed loon – not at all. I would just like to know where she stands. One friend of mine has decided to not have sex (oh my God, I used the word!) before getting married, and although she is a Christian, she is not as strong a believer as Elisha is.

Any other issues? Well, there is of course location. Elisha has said in the past that she wishes to go to London for a year, and to go around the entire world. I intend to stay at uni to obtain my masters, so I will be unable to accompany her if we are in a relationship. That is the thing – I do not want a long distance relationship; I want a long term one, which is completely different people! At the moment, this same difficulty is in effect. How come? Elisha lives in Darwin. I live in Melbourne. For those of you who do not live in Australia, let me give you the geography.  Darwin is located at the top most centre point of Australia. Melbourne is located in the lower most right section of Australia. There is a cool few hours of flight time in-between each state, with a massive desert smack bang in the centre. Elisha is only in Melbourne whilst she is at university, and since every semester is only twelve weeks in length (and during the week off Elisha flies back home), that provides me with very little time. Quite the issue it would seem…

The other problem would be that I am infatuated with her. And, I am sure anyone reading this right now knows how it feels to be infatuated with the one woman/person you cannot live without – it is friggin’ horrible! I realised I had feelings for her last year, but I did not make a move. Why not? Was I chicken? No, that was not it. I simply thought she was in Melbourne just for the year, and I would never see her again. Unfortunately, or fortunately, depending on how I view this, she did return this year. I did nothing again, not because I was chicken, but because I came to this conclusion; do not do anything until the last minute, the last minute being the first week of the final semester we would ever experience together at university. That way, any awkwardness that comes from me finally admitting to her my feelings will be relatively less difficult than it would be if I mentioned the way I felt earlier on. So, if everything goes belly up, then we will only have to experience eleven weeks of awkwardness rather than an entire year’s worth.

What awkwardness am I referring to? People go to university to study. They spend a shit load of money to do so. By the time I am finished, I would have a racked up a bill that probably extends to that of 100 K, if not more. I mean, my masters course alone will cost 42 thou, and who knows about the doctorate!

At high school, people can quit at any time, whilst people who attend university attend such an institution because they want to. They wish to gain an education – they do not go there to get hit on by fellow students. If they wanted some dufus flirting with ‘em, they would spend their life in a bar. So, by waiting until the end of university basically, that limits the amount of awkwardness that could very well come from such a situation. I think…

The problem with this plan is that I cannot move on from the way I feel until I confess to Elisha my feelings cuz that is the kind of guy I am. I need to verbally convey them to the woman in question, and then, if nothing happens, which is quite the possibility, I will be able to successfully move on roughly two weeks later. If something happens, well, that would be absolutely beautiful, but I always plan for the worst, and hope for the best, but do not expect it to ever come to pass. Due to the fact that I cannot move on, I have to endure these painful feelings. Yes, they are terribly, terribly painful. You see, at the moment;
I want Elisha
the way a heart needs a beat,
the way lungs need oxygen,
the way a bee needs pollen,
the way a plant needs the sun.

I want Elisha
the way a shark needs the sea,
the way a lion needs meat,
the way earthworms need moisture,
the way rich red blood needs cells.

I want Elisha
the way a gun needs ammunition,
the way a hunting knife needs a clean,
the way an army needs a captain,
the way a country needs government.

I want Elisha
the way a husband needs a wife,
the way Cupid needs an arrow,
the way true love needs to survive,
the way moist lips need to be kissed.

Okay, sorry about the shotty poetry, but I felt no other way to explain myself nor my feelings.

So basically, I still have a few issues I need to go through…

…before I go however, there is one last question I wish to pose…back in March, Elisha mentioned in conversation that she was going to cook with someone she referred to as her ‘lovely’. Now, who might this ‘lovely’ be, cuz she never went into specifics. Lovely husband? Lovely partner? Lovely boyfriend? Lovely mother? Lovely father? Lovely family member? Lovely friend? Lovely teacher? Lovely dog? It would have to be one friggin’ awesome dog to know how to cook, let’s put it that way! Also, the post I took the information about her potential future husband? She typed that up in April, one month after mentioning this dinner. Any ideas? No? Yes? No?

I guess I will find out when I see her next…if I see her next…

Well, here’s Naughty Nefarious once more, signing off, and hoping for the best. See you round…

…and thanks for reading!

BTW, Any material acquired from Elisha’s blog is copyright of the original writer.

I Really Don’t Understand Women

 

FYI…… THIS PIECE CONTAINS SOME RATHER INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL REFERENCES AND COARSE LANGUAGE. I should probably apologise before you continue reading in case you become shocked by what you might read.

BTW, if you have the intention of reading my other post ‘Broken, Done or Dying? Actually just Dead!’, I would recommend you perhaps read this post first to gain a better understanding of how I totally do not understand the fairer sex.

Now, I wish to talk about two instances involving women where I received mixed signals and interpreted them wrongly. Basically, as I will explain in the piece mentioned above, women give off signals to blokes to indicate whether they like them or not. Well, I have as much an easy time interpreting those signals as I would Egyptian Hieroglyphs.

One: Final year of high school. It’s literary class, or ‘porn’ as I sometimes called it. People would ask me ‘what class do you have next?’ and I would say ‘porn!’ They did not get this, and after asking ‘what?’ I would reply ‘it’s literature – but all we ever talk about is sex and nudity.’ Yes, and whoever said reading literature could not be sexy?

Anyway, perhaps it was for this very reason that I did something a little untoward. There was this foxy New Zealand chick in my class, who come to think of it was totally out of my league. For one, she played sport; soccer, hockey, wrestling – yes, she was a skinny chick, but she was a danger to the Australian people! On top of this, she was best friends with the arseholes of the school. Other people may have referred to this crowd as ‘the cool kids’, but for everyone else (meaning everyone who was not a part of this crowd), they were, and still to this day are, the arseholes! If that is not enough, she would go out every second night, and on occasion every night – and party like it was the end of the world. She would get pissed drunk! She would dance at every club every time she went out. She would hook up with random strangers. She was very wild now I come to think of it, and I’m afraid I’m not quite like that. This story is of course a post for another time, one which I shall title ‘Naughty Nefarious’s, A Nightmare on Chapel Street.’

Anyway, the end of the class comes, and I’m basically on the verge of coming too at the sight of this woman. Yes, I will admit, at the time it was quite often looks that got me interested. Amazingly enough it was after this particular woman that I grew up and decided looks were not everything, and it was the personality of the woman in question or their intellect that would gimmie interested in ‘em. But, on with the story.

I go up to the lady (who I have chosen not to name, cuz someone may read this and know who I’m talking about because how any people named Melissa O’Toole are there In Melbourne?) and I ask her out. I did not think about it, which is something cuz I like to pride myself on being kind of smart all the time, kind of. I did not hesitate. I just walked right up to her and said my line ‘do you wanna go out sometime’ like it was something I said to every person with breasts and a dress, or in her case a skirt that was so short her clitoris was constantly trying to pop out and say ‘hello world it’s me, and I’m awful moist this evening!’

Anyway, the response of this woman? Well, her friends sitting around her are dead silent; the bloke and the two other chicks – they were mid conversation, but they are all stumped! Their mouths hit the floor! Their eyes pop their sockets! Their tongues are tied like a li’l girl’s ponytails. The answer; ‘No thank you, I already have a boyfriend’, which I believe was a subtle way of saying ‘fuck off!’

The issue? Her ‘boyfriend’, the one she was ‘dating’, was the young man sitting right next to her!

Two: This one is probably pretty pathetic really. In March of this year I went to see the Americanised version of ‘Girl with the Dragon tattoo’. The first half an hour of the film I however felt was terrible. Why? The acting was superb. The directing was flawless. The dialogue was intelligent and the vibrant camera transitions were captivating. So, why was it so bad? Well, it wasn’t the film per se as it was those watching it; two of them in fact. I was seated up the very back, and so were they. Two young women to be precise. For the first half an hour at least. The issue; well, yes, they were foxy women, and the problem with foxy women at the cinema is that they are very distracting because they are so foxy, but no! That was not the issue…they kept using their phones. On, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, about twenty billion times! No – this is not a story of how I overcame the evil ladies of the cinema and told them to put away their phones. No – I placed my hand to the side of my face and by doing so they did not annoy me again. Yes – well, you see I have a very large hand. I have a very large head so it makes sense I have large hands to put next to my large head. I have large feet too which makes sense cuz I have such large hands. I also have a very large – okay, that’s enough! BACK TO THE STORY! Anyway, to digress, the ladies leave half an hour into the feature.

When the film is over, I walk out, past the cafeteria they have going on beside the candy bar – only to see the two ladies again. No, I did not confront them – quite the opposite actually – they confronted me! What the hell did I do to deserve such treatment! I’ll tell you what I did! I was too fucking handsome, that’s what! Nope, no bullshit! No joke! The ladies said that they found me attractive – and were deliberately putting their phones on and off, over and over and over again as to gain my attention and make me angry enough to go over and tell them to stop so they could initiate a conversation with me! If only I had told them to stop using their phones! Instead of watching Girl with the Dragon Tattoo I could have had a fucking threesome in the cinema toilets!

The ladies said I was an idiot, and basically made the implication they were fools to find me remotely appealing because of my inability to ‘read between the lines’ as they put it, and that any woman in general would be a fool to find me appealing after my piss poor display of my observational skills that night. I mean, want kind of idiot am I? I went to the cinema to see one of the most talked about movies of the year? I should have realised that you don’t do that! That’s not why you go to the cinema! No, you go to meet girls! That is apparently what you do these days! Who would have known? I mean, large screen, surround sound, leather seats (it was in the Extreme Screen after all), exorbitant prices – yep, who would have ever thought the cinema was where you see movies?

I’ll have you know that I have not yet had a threesome, and honestly, I’m not really looking for one. I know, loser, right? But, in my defense I have enough trouble trying to get a girlfriend, and then I have plenty of trouble trying to entertain just one woman without adding another one to the mix.

Well, with that said, I think it is obvious; during one moment, I thought the young lady was single, and did not realise the young man she was having a relationship with, if that is what the ominous ‘they’ call it these days, was sitting next to her. Yeah, I must be blind, deaf, dumb and stupid to have missed that one. And during the second circumstance I had difficulty attempting to notice two women flirting with me; albeit, rather strangely I might add, but still, flirting is flirting is flirting.

In my next post, ‘Broken, Done or Dying? Actually, just Dead!’ I wish to further this topic of discussion in accordance to the current ‘girl of my dreams’, how this applies to this situation and what my chances are.

Yes – stay tuned for the BIG reveal!

Naughty Nefarious, signing off – and thank you for reading.

Do women date guys who wear glasses?

 

Yes? No? Well, if I was not asking this question I would obviously have the answer, and hence, would probably not need to write a post about this. My concern? Believe it or not, I wear glasses. That image I use for my profile – that’s me wearing contacts.

Now perhaps I am ignorant for believing such a thing, and perhaps I don’t have all the facts, but it is a subject that has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I know it happens in television shows and movies, but I am not talking about those occurrences – I am making reference to reality.

Here’s a question for you – how often do you see a gorgeous woman in a relationship with a man wearing glasses? I for one, have only ever seen this once in my life. Yes, once. I am not including myself in this equation, for I am discounting me self from such a question. I guess I could argue if it happened to me it could happen to anyone, but I would disagree because my last girlfriend was not Australian. Yes, back to the contextual Australian dilemma.

I would argue that men who wear glasses don’t look as good as men who don’t, I mean, they do obscure part of one’s face, and they stand out quite incredibly. You can see those things from several miles away, especially if they’re those jet black plastic things goin’ round town these days. I’m not saying that women are quite sensitive about an issue and quite choosy, but I would argue that a better lookin’ man has a greater chance of having a relationship with someone than someone who is lacking in such a department. Looks ultimately are a big concern in today’s society. It is said that in under seven seconds upon meeting someone, a person has already come up with an opinion of who that person is and whether they will like them or not. Again, if you see two men in a punch on, a man who wears glasses and a man who doesn’t, regardless of size, shape and build, who will you bet your money on?

Furthermore, I think women have a far greater concern than looks and impressions in this theory…genetics. Many women are going to have children, and as I have discussed previously, whether or not they are intending to have children at a young age, I believe that somewhere in the back of their mind, even unconsciously, they are choosing men partially based on their genetic structure, so if the relationship continues long term and they have children, that said children will have the best genetic security to fulfill their lifelong endeavors. Now, yeah, men may be physically stronger, but men are also genetically inferior to women, cuz of the XY gene going on, whilst women have XX. Anyone who studied such a formula (its kinda mandatory in Australia so I’m gonna guess it is also for other countries as well) would know that the XX enables the person to not acquire every single bad genetic trait, although they can still carry it. Basically, if a man and a woman have a child, and the man wears glasses and the woman doesn’t, if they had a daughter, the child would not have an impairment of the eyes, but would carry the genetic fault. If the couple had a boy, and one parent wore glasses, then that child would need to wear glasses because they are not immune to such genetic traits due to the XY gene. They would also continue to carry this genetic trait, which means they have two doses of bad luck.

This however is not just limited to the eyes, but to every single trait in the body. I’m not saying that women question blokes about their genetic properties. I know I haven’t been, but I could list the amount of relationships I have had on a piece of paper approximately two by three centimeters in diameter. However, a woman would not need to ask if the condition is manifested physically and is plainly visible – they will know immediately.

However, I do believe this swings both ways kind of. I think men too care about looks and there are times when women I have known have told me that men did not make advancements on them because they wore glasses. One friend of mine told me that the guy recommended for her to consider contacts – then he would take her out. However, due to the fact that men do not carry the child in their womb for nine months and give birth to the next generation – I do not believe they consider this when they are looking for a partner.

But this is just my opinion. What are your thoughts?

I’ve a Problem…

 

(May contain some sexual references)

…I talk before I think. I’ve had this for quite a while. Now, I’m not in need of any antidote, but I can’t seem to get a handle on it either. I see a person, or a situation, and I can’t help but open my mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind – without even processing it properly. Hell, half the time I think ‘wow, what a cool line!’ only to think ‘you stupid bastard!’ a couple seconds later.

This may be one of the reasons why I don’t really talk much to people I hardly know. I however make up for this when communing with people I have known for a while because in part I am sure they are somewhat used to what I am bound to say during a conversation. Additionally, I seem to only ever have a difficulty keeping my mouth shut about issues that should not be brought to life with people I have only just met. There is a certain feature, either physical or internal, or a view, value or trait of theirs that I feel the need to comment upon which inevitably leads to a very unhealthy relationship.

Now, it ain’t that I believe my opinion is absolutely awesome and needs to be expressed. I know it is! (Okay, joking, but seriously, back to topic) It is that I suddenly feel the need to speak my mind. I have come to realise that when I don’t mention something which I find to be quite pertinent, it begins to become a bit of a burden, and like a fat cat in a corner continuously being fed with no exercise to help the little tyke out, what I have not yet expressed begins to weigh quite heavily on me. Sooner or later when I feel I am going to burst with the info I find that I either have to express it immediately, or find some other avenue which can help me vent out whatever I wish to explain. This can be anything from feelings to resentment to just general observations, and my other ways which can relieve myself of such a burden can either be from writing down whatever is affecting me and transpiring it into either a story or piece of poetry, or going out and using the ol’ punchin’ bag.

I have been taught in the past, especially in university, to generally assume the abilities of those around you. Assume they are intelligent, strong willed and capable of understanding what you wish to express. If you find evidence to disprove this theory, well, then you can assume them to be stupid, incompetent arseholes, but only then, and not before. With that in mind, I do believe it is this theory that has caused me to believe that I can say what I want and kind of get away with it when I am talking to new people for the first time because I believe on some level they will understand me.

Of course, the other factor once more is interpretation, which seems to make an entrance in an awful lot of my posts, now, don’t it? I say something and the other person believes I am conveying something else but according to certain communicative models, during a good transaction of dialogue, what is being expressed by the sender is being received by the other in the exact same manner. However, I fear the message is quite frequently being screwed up. I guess this could be due to cultural background, upbringing, personal experience and so on, with people judging what is being said on those prior ideals.

For instance, recently this young lady introduced herself to me. I was courteous, well, I think I was, and I guess an alright kind of host. She wanted to have some assistance of sorts navigating the area because she was new to these parts. I suddenly ask her not far into our meeting why she would choose me over other guys because I do not know her and that I am certain to have remembered her if we had met because she is quite attractive.

At these words the young lady in question flees for her life and I have not seen her since. Actually, come to think of it nobody has. Oh my… Actually, that was a joke, I’m sure she’s fine. Seriously though, what exactly did I say that was wrong? Yes, perhaps I should not have blurted out what I did eventually blurt out, but I don’t see the harm in it. If I had said ‘I find you absolutely ravishing – let’s make wild animalistic love on the floor right now like a couple angry lions on deep fried crack’ then yeah, I guess I could see that as being perhaps a little disturbing. But I was paying her a harmless comment that had no innuendo or nefarious motive applied to it. What I said was not some kind of code in regards to me wanting, you know, THAT! Just because I choose to go by the name Nefarious in these posts, does not naturally mean I am so.

See, that is exactly what I mean by issues in communication and interpretation. I say one thing, where I explain how I do not know the woman, although she seems to be somewhat insinuating that I do by pairing up with me to help her around town, before paying her a non-threatening, non-sexualised comment, and suddenly, she runs, like an old limerick once said, over the hills and far away.

So yeah, maybe I do have an issue. Either I need to learn to shut the hell up, or I should get myself a girlfriend – then I can say all the things I want and not care if they are interpreted as deviant sexual comments because if she is dating me, then wouldn’t this young lady in question be willing to accept such commentary, regardless if it is meant to be sexualised or not?

I mean, I can understand the tower of Babel coming down and God having everyone speak a different language and all that, I mean, if you believe that interpretation of events, but what I don’t understand is how I’m speaking English, and the other person is speaking English, and we are both talking English, and have both been taught to speak English, yet one of us is obviously not getting the message because I say one thing (in English btw), and the other person hears something else. I mean, did I stutter? Or, in society today, does stating ‘you’re attractive’ naturally mean ‘I wanna have sex with you?’

Funnily enough, if I really am attracted to a person it usually takes me a while to talk to her – or I simply never do period. Perhaps I should apply my ideas of communication in general to this line of thought – then I’ll be onto something. Right? Probably not, but who knows. Like I said in a previous post, I have a rule where I don’t ask out women I either work or study with, and if I ever do so, I leave it to the very last second when I am about to leave or quit. Then, technically I am not breaking my rules, and I am additionally not annoying the young lady in question, which is my goal in not asking them out during my time there – to not annoy them. But that’s just my opinion.

I don’t think I’m annoying. I don’t think I’m a sex crazed loon either, but these seem to be the interpretations that are coming through with those who I communicate to…

…hmmmm, ponder about this subject I will.

Naughty Nefarious signing off

Girls in Games

 

Contains some coarse language and sexual references.

Girls in games. What are they? Well, apart from being, as already stated, girl in games, they are often characters of significant import. I mean, look at some of the major ones; Cortana, Tali Zorah, Liara T’Soni, Zoe, Alma Wade, Kat, Hawk, Princess Peach even, just to name a few. Now, what do all these women have in common? Well, they were all major characters. The main point I am attempting to construct here however is that they were all really ravishing. Even Alma (the older version, not the little girl), for who can resist a naked ghost girl intent on killing you? I mean Cortana; she may have been translucent, but she sure was something (here’s hoping the Chief and her totally get it on before Halo 6). Tali Zorah, and her skin tight space suit, along with that sexy accent of hers, Liara and her undiscovered alien body, Kat and that skin tight Spartan armor. All of these characters, let’s face it, are irresistibly gorgeous to look upon, and all have the bodies of an hour glass.

On top of this, the women who voice them, they are usually not half bad lookin’ themselves. I mean, I once went to one of those Mass Effect forum things and got a look at the woman who voiced Tali – now, she is something else. Let me tell you, I’d step over my mother, my father, and everyone else if it meant I could see her in reality.

However, I did not actually write this post to talk about how beautiful the characters were – well, yes, kind of, but I really want to draw the attention towards the fact that it is all FAKE. All of it is not doing the world of women in reality any real good I don’t reckon. Games create these false interpretations that every single woman on the planet is meant to have fantastic bodies, beautiful faces and sexy voices, which is not the case. I believe it is depictions such as these that cause real women to become so judgmental of their features. They see a woman who is so unreal looking that no woman in reality could ever look as real as she does, and suddenly develop these wild notions that they are not pretty enough. However, I am not calling for this to stop, for foxy lady characters are one of the major reasons to play video games if you ask me, I’m just stating the negative occurrences that come from such great entertainment. Where men find enjoyment, women may not find such pleasure. However, according to statistics a lot of women who play games play, you know, games of intellect, such as chess, and I can’t imagine too many women becoming upset or jealous even with the body the queen has, especially the red one.

In games, I actually, as a matter of fact, prefer to play as women. Maybe it is because the blokes are always designed to be huge, cumbersome brutes with so much muscle mass it makes wrestlers look skinny, and I know deep down that I ain’t ever gonna be that ripped, no matter how much  of a work out I do. But I think the real reason is that having a pair of breasts sticking out from your video game character brings a different flavor to the entertainment.

For one, I can check out my character all I like and not have to fear the reprisal. If you look so frequently at women in reality and their nice bods – things usually don’t go down well and people have a tendency to leave with a black eye or two.

Two, I am never going to experience what it’s like to be behind the wheel of a woman – I mean this purely as a living sense, not a sexual one – and in a game I can experience this, without the negative effects. I may seem ignorant by saying that, but I have come to realise women have really shit lives – they have periods for ninety five per cent of them, they have children, which is apparently a thousand times more painful, and then they endure the menopause. Computer game characters do not endure such vile treatment, which is beneficial, especially for me because many women I know believe the human species would have died out centuries ago if it had been left up to the men to birth the children into this world.

Three, women who kick arse are real foxy, and what is foxier than being in command of the woman who is kicking arse? I’ll tell you – nothing! Wait – being married to the arse kicking woman, that might be something, quite something indeed…

Of course, the women in games are only so beautiful because women in reality are. The one thing that sickens me about women are the women who have a problem with their looks (is sickens too strong a word? sorry people!). Many of my female friends have said ‘I’m fat’ because their boyfriend grabbed at their stomachs and said ‘this shouldn’t be here’ and indicate towards some flabby skin? Or because they read in an article that some Hollywood star weighs thirty eight kilos and they think weighing fifty six is too much? Or because their friend regularly goes to the gym? Or because, or because, or because! The list just goes on and on and on! If I had a dollar for every time I heard a woman bitch about her weight I would own this friggin’ world I tell you! My opinion? Do you want it? Well, if you’re reading this post I’ll assume you do. It’s simple – who gives a fuck I say! I would rather have a girlfriend who had some meat on her bones than have a relationship with a woman who, when she turns sideways disappears into the crowd. And if a woman is obese? Well, if she’s comfortable with how she looks, who cares! Who are we to say she doesn’t fit the social norm required because she’s not  one inch wide!

However, if the stereotypical female body was not so beautiful to look at, then the characters in games would not be either, and then there would be less reasons for women to doubt their looks too. There is always a flip side to these arguments. Let’s just say that whoever developed the female form, whether it be God or Mother Nature, did one helluva good job. But I think we all know who designed women – the same people who designed the pyramids – the aliens, and soon, they will be back – to eat us no doubt – humans make nice tooth picks, or so I have been told by my sources in the alien empire.

My conclusions? Women in video games are beautiful, smart, funny and memorable, which is exactly what all women in realty are. They are just yet to notice because of the pressure put on them to look so good, which they usually do before reading those bullshit articles. When women realise this, there will be one less problem in the world, and I will be able to enjoy my games so much more without feeling bad each time I check out a sexy character, for in the back of my mind one lingering thought will always be present – at least one woman in the world is going to compare herself to that unrealistic woman, and become disappointed with the results, when in fact she needn’t be, because she is perfect just the way she is.

This is Naughty Nefarious signing off, before returning to the mother ship. I’ll see you in the stratosphere!

How do you know if a woman likes you?

Really, if you came for advice, allow me to assure you of one thing – you sure ain’t gonna find it here. I didn’t develop the title of this post because I was going to discuss the sudden breakthrough I made of realising how women showed their affections towards you. No, not at all.

Now, I don’t know about other blokes, but I cannot read between the lines. Women give off so many different signs that one can interpret, that you would need a novel, or ten, to properly familiarise yourself with half of the different codes. I however, if it’s any conciliation, can tell when a woman doesn’t like me. That, I am good at. I don’t know about women from other places around the world, but if there’s one thing you can say about Australian women, it is that at least a third of them are blunt and open. I say that because at least a third of the women I have come across have indicated their distinct loathing towards me. Some I don’t even know, and they come outta the blue and up to me to explain ‘I hate your rotten guts’, but it is usually in not such nice terminology. The other thing you can say about that distinct third amount of women – they are not shy when it comes to expressing themselves.

Another great way to tell a woman doesn’t like you is if they go out of their way to avoid you – also a frequent occurrence in my life. In university, yes, even at university, I have noticed women walking down the hall I happen to be located in, spot me, and indicate to their friends that I am there by pointing at me, and like I am the creature from the black lagoon itself, they turn around and go, sometimes the long way around, to get to their endeavored location just so they can avoid me. This is still that third of the women I was talking about.

Now onto the other two thirds – they are the ones who refuse to communicate verbally, but with physical gesture. One could argue that if a woman notices you and speaks to her friends and they giggle that this is a good sign. One could even say that a woman who frequently looks at you is telling you something good as well. Or a woman who speaks to you often, or even a woman who says ‘hi’ to you, even though you have not spoken in several months. Perhaps even a woman who looks jealous when you talk about other women?

There is one thing I will say – whoever designed the male species, or at least whoever designed me, did a very piss poor job – because like I said, I cannot read between the lines, and nor can many other guys I have known. Hell, some have even given up whilst at university with the sole intention of pursing their studies. I wish that was me. It was my intention up until recently at least, but back onto the topic at hand. If a woman giggles to her friends after looking at you – they could be laughing at something someone else said, or hell, they could be laughing at you, who knows?! A woman who looks at you might be looking everywhere but at you, even if her eyes happen to come across your direction. You could be sitting next to the man of her dreams, or the woman of her dreams if she so happens to swing that way. A woman who speaks to you might have simply being raised to be courteous and kind, and a woman who looks jealous, well, she may have a thousand reasons for being so.

The end point here is INTERPRETATION. What the eyes see the mind interprets, and depending if you yourself are compromised romantically, the heart will determine this to be something of import as to further the belief that the woman is as affectionate towards you as your feelings are towards her. Like I said in a previous post ‘sometimes the heart is stupid’, and some of the themes already brought up in this piece are reminiscent of that discussion.

Unfortunately the only really good way to find out is to talk to her, which can be as simple as leaping out of an air plane without a chute. Yes, that is simple, I realise that, but I am trying to paint the picture that it is VERY DANGEROUS! Nuclear even! If you ask me, women, yes, do not have as many rights as men, and equality is an issue that needs to be invested in. But when it comes to relationships – I would like to state that women probably hold most of the power, especially when it comes to their dissolution. They plunge their fingers straight into the chest of the man who has feelings for them and rip out their still beating heart and hold it out before him for all to see. As his eyes glaze over, the last breath escaping from his lings, the woman tosses the heart like a pro cricket player as it slaps into the wall behind the location of the man, its red sticky surface connecting with the wall and lingering as it groans its final few beats. With that, it slides across the surface of the plaster before collapsing onto the ground, the red ooze that was once considered life beginning to drain from the once proud love organ, now rendered obsolete.

Women sometimes also have a tendency to talk. So too do men, but I’ve found women especially when it comes to who likes ‘em, unless of course they find the man asking them out or confessing his feelings to have humiliated them and by talking about such a thing would lesser their stature in the eyes of their friends. However, in cases not like that, women can talk about what happened, laugh and sigh and eventually, sooner rather than later, it’s like all the women in the city know about what went down. Not good at all.

So, apart from embarrassment, pain, loss, what else can come of this? Well, I do know what one can do in replace of – research. So many people have social media pages now, and many state if they have a partner. The only problem is that you need to be logged in to access such information, and sometimes you even need to be their ‘friend’ (bugger!). Also, some sites record who visited so one can find out who looked at their pages – when I say ‘research’, I mean discreetly – to get away with it as to not alert anyone to your planning. Have I done this? Once. Did it work? Well, it stopped me from pursuing the woman in question, and ultimately stopped me from acting the fool.

On another note, what do I think would be good? I know in Hawaii, in certain cultures women wear a flower in their hair on a certain side of their head, and depending on what side depends on their status – whether they are taken or solo, which can aid in one’s quest. It would also be good, if that one third of the women I talked about earlier, actually encompassed the entire percentage of them, which meant that all would confess their feelings whenever they wished. This however would not be so good if all the women in the world loathed your guts, but that is just the risk one would have to take.

So all in all I am assuming that nobody learnt anything from this post? Well, I know I sure didn’t learn anything I already didn’t. I began this post with no idea how to tell if a woman likes you, and I am about to leave with the exact same mind – a very empty one. I guess if you want information on this subject, either look it up on Google, or ask a woman to simply tell you the signs. They might not though, because the world of women is a secret society that few men are ever granted access to. I know I ain’t ever gonna be blessed with such a rite.

Well, that’s all for me and this post. Sorry for the lack of information folks!