The Birds…but this time Mr. Alfred Hitchcock ain’t there to direct ‘em


This week I came to one conclusion – a Magpie quickly changes from been a docile, well behaved bird, to been a sex crazed loon.

Last Wednesday I took a walk through the park just outside my house. I saw the male Magpie. The male Magpie saw me. Both myself and the male Magpie saw each other. We greeted each other with insecure nodding of the heads as a bird of nature and a citizen of one country would do.

The Wednesday past of this week was a little different; I saw the male Magpie – and then he flew in my direction in its vain attempt to knock my block off, before proceeding with this strategy several times over before I had officially left the territory the little guy had carved out for himself.

Now, for those of you who are not Australian and are reading this piece thinking ‘what in the blazes is a Magpie?’, allow me to provide to you the answer. The Magpie is a bird, yes, very good description indeed. And now you know – no, I’m joking, allow me to elaborate. Basically, they are beautifully decorated in black and white smooth features and make quite vibrant noises in the mornings as they wake. They are carnivorous, and in the eyes of some are quite hideous, but in the eyes of other’s such as myself are actually really beautiful. Come Spring time however, the male Magpie becomes aggressive. Yes, he is now officially in heat, along with all the ladies, and the blokes what to prove they are awesome by attempting to kill every other life form in the vicinity of the ladies to ensure their dominance over the sectors they choose for themselves. It is for the good part of the entirety of Spring that any beauty that male Magpies once had is all but reduced to nil – they are violent, enraged, sex crazed creatures that will do anything to remove you from their realm.

However, over the past couple of years I personally found a strategy to bypass this violence, which is the reason behind this post – how to prevent been swooped by your local Magpie. Now, this has worked twice for me. It is also incredibly dumb – but it has proven effective. In 2009 and 2010 I used this stagey, In 2011 I simply avoided Mr. Magpie period – which is also a good strategy – but can become quite time consuming.

My way of dealing with Mr. Magpie…let him swoop you – and let him hit you. Preferably not in the eyes for that is where they have been known to go for – but a good hit in the back of the head should do the trick.

Now, I do suppose you are shaking your head right now thinking how much of a dope I am. Perhaps. But after hitting you, Mr. Magpie has proven his authority. He has hit you and proven his masculinity. He attacked you and won, and all the ladies will love and respect him for it, allowing him to have a bunch of baby Magpies in the future – who will grow up to hate you come Spring time too. Good times!

So there you have it – how to deal with your local area Magpie. It really works! Well, it isn’t entirely tested, so if he hits you and keeps trying to do so, well, I can’t be held liable. I again would like to say – this is quite foolish, so unless you, like me, have zero per cent brain, zero per cent integrity and zero per cent care in the world, you shouldn’t do it; perhaps you ought to simply avoid Mr. Magpie.

Your choice people!