Going Beyond the Beyonds with Quantic Dream’s new emotionally charged thriller

Title: Beyond Two Soulsimages
Developer: Quantic Dream
Distributor: Sony
Platform: PS3

Length: Between 12 – 15 hours

Pros:
-Amazing storyline
-Emotionally powerful
-Dramatically thrilling
-Outstanding graphics
-Brilliant choice options

Cons:
-Occasionally difficult controls
-Awkward fighting scenes

Beyond Two Souls is a masterpiece just waiting to be explored. Every moment of this journey is a well scripted, gorgeously detailed combination of video gaming genius and cinematic enjoyment. In fact, to call Beyond Two Souls a ‘masterpiece’ is perhaps an outright lie, for it is far more impressive than that. Having never played Heavy Rain, I had never actually partaken in a game which is less of a game, and more of a cinematic experience, which is exactly what Quantic Dream’s new title is all about; making the player a part of an interactive movie. In this sense, the player is responsible for all of the choices, and are forced to live with the repercussions, the emotions and the challenges that come with them as you shape the life of the protagonist, Jodie, all of this making the game even more emotionally potent as you continue through the course of her unfathomably unique life.

The game is not orchestrated in chronological order like many video games, and instead crosses from one moment of the character Jodie’s life to another, and although one may initially think this to be both convoluted and difficult to keep up with, this is one of the unique elements which makes the game so appealing. Say, the player goes through a moment in Jodie’s life when she is eighteen and there is mention of something that happened earlier; originally, the player will have no knowledge of this, which shall spark an assortment of questions, which will later be answered when the game travels back to this specific time, hence keeping the player intrigued and on their toes.

Jodie is an incredibly well rounded character, and where many women in video games are reduced to sex symbols with very little opinion of their own, Jodie is the exact opposite. She is almost always in a vast amount of clothing; she becomes emotional when horrific occurrences transpire in her life; she is anxious around strangers and slow to trust; she becomes envious of the opinions of others; spiteful of those who attempt to do her wrong, and has the want to be morally good. Jodie seems like a real, flesh and blood woman, and the acting of Ms. Ellen Page is beyond extraordinary in bringing this amazing character to life, which assisted me in caring not only about the game, but especially for her brilliant character.

Not only is Jodie gorgeous, but she is strong, in both mind and body, independent, romantic, adventurous and very capable. What sets her apart the most from other characters is her connection to Aidan, a ghostly aspiration who has been tied to her for as long as she could remember by an invisible tether. Aidan goes where Jodie goes, and over the course of the game it is questioned as to who really is the dominating figure in this obscure relationship.

The other pivotal character in the game is Nathan, who is a doctor that looks after Jodie for most of her life. Voiced by Mr. William Dafoe, much like Ms. Page, Mr. Dafoe’s acting is exemplary, and he helps bring his character to life on so many levels; as not just a professional individual, but on a brilliantly developed emotional level as well, and although Jodie is the primary character fixated upon, Nathan’s character and the pain he has been through is fabulously represented in Mr. Dafoe’s voice.

On top of this, the acting of all actors involved in developing their characters is just as outstanding, and goes to show that the talent must have been as passionate about the game as the developers were.

Moving on, at any moment in the game, the player can enter the view point of Aidan by hitting the green triangular button, and can then survey the world through Aidan’s eyes. Not only can Aidan see things that other people cannot, but he can travel through walls, interact with the world through telekinetic abilities, he can choke the life out of unsuspecting enemies, and he can possess certain characters and make them do all manner of things. Of course, there is only a certain distance that he is allowed to travel, for the tether that binds him to Jodie acts like a leash, and thus, it has a limited range.

While the player controls Aidan, at times, Jodie can provide him with advice, or tell him not to bother her or to halter his actions entirely, and the player has the option of doing what they are told, or doing the exact opposite. This can lead to quite nefarious occurrences, and the repercussions often affect the life of Jodie herself; you can, at one moment, ruin a date she is on, which will emotionally demolish her, and leave the player, well, me at least, feeling incredibly crappy with myself.

Unlike in other games, the likes of Brute Force, Fuse or Remember Me, where characters are bestowed with special powers and abilities which are unnecessary for the player to successfully complete the game, each of the mentioned titles predominately turning into shoot ’em ups, or, in the case of Remember Me, a continuous punching match, in Beyond Two Souls, Aidan’s ghostly abilities are a necessity in every single level. You may need to open a locked door; distract a guard; navigate an area filled with hostiles; knock items out of the way; the number of possibilities are endless.

Not everything goes according to plan all the time though, but the game will compensate for this. There was a moment in the game when Jodie wanted to leave her accommodations and go out, even though she had been told repeatedly that such was against the rules. However, being the bad boy that I am (to this day I still refuse to eat my broccoli), I helped Jodie by using Aidan to sneak her out of the building, but was unfortunately caught during the process; brilliant escape artist I apparently am not. Instead of bringing up a ‘mission failed’ sign though, the game continued, with Jodie being lectured to about her actions and how everything could have gone hopelessly wrong.

There are a vast number of moments in the game when, if Jodie does not do something properly, the game will continue regardless down an alternate path which will still, inevitably, lead to the intended conclusion. At one point, Jodie was captured by the enemy, and instead of being killed, the cavalry eventually manage to mount a rescue before anything went terribly wrong.

One of the reasons why things may on occasion go wrong, could very well be the controls. Now, I admit, I am more of an XBOX 360 kind of guy myself, and when the PS4 comes out I will not be rushing out to my local game retailer to procure a copy; what I am saying is that perhaps my lack of experience with the PS3 controller partially lead to my downfall on a couple of occasions. When it comes to Aidan interacting with the environment, the player will, more often than not, pull back on the left and right thumb sticks for something to happen, and additionally need to move them in a certain direction. Depending on the occasion, this may include moving an object, healing either Jodie or another character, or even physically moving the memories of an object or a deceased individual into Jodie’s mind so she can glimpse what they witnessed. Some of these occurrences can be downright annoying, for not only does the player have to fight the awkward controls into the right position, but then has to maintain them in that same position for a set duration of time for anything to happen. On occasion, there is a time limit, and if the player fails, then the game will simply take over.

On that note, the game will on many an occasion do everything for the player, including fighting. Fighting in general is another issue with the game; the camera is often in a difficult location as it follows Jodie and will constantly change from being on her back to being on her front. Additionally, in most games, the player needs to pay particular attention to enemy combatants to see what attacks they are doing so the player may avoid them; in the case of Beyond Two Souls, the player needs to keep their eyes predominantly on Jodie. Depending on the direction Jodie moves in, the player moves the camera stick in that particular direction for Jodie to successfully attack or block, and if she fails, this does not result in her demise, for the game will eventually have Jodie beat her opponent regardless of the outcome when the player was at the helm. Safe to say there was more than one occasion when the game saved my sorry ass, however, there were other times when even I managed to surprise myself by helping Jodie kick ass and take names with ease.

This is adjunctively made easier by the fact that the game in general is not terribly difficult. There are two skills levels; one for novices to games, and one for veterans, and even on the latter difficulty, the game posed very little trouble for me.

Moreover, although Beyond Two Souls is at its heart, a ghost story about a young woman haunted by a spectral entity, the game is more of a drama  than a terrifying thriller, and it is several hours into the game before there is even any hint of something spooky. The first time we see Aidan I admit, I jumped into the air because I was not expecting anything creepy to go down, which is one thing that sets the game apart from other titles which have horror elements within them; instead of initially introducing Aidan as this scary creature, he is illustrated as an actual, understandable, recognisable being, rather than a monster, which helps the audience not only adjust to having him around 24/7, but even like and care for his character as well, so by the time a creepy occurrence happens, we do not resent Aidan for it; he cannot help being what he is, and by that time, we have accepted him regardless.

After the first jump there are some other scary moments, and these are just as well managed as the first. Although at times the spooky moments seem a little odd as they are few and far between for the most part, they are beefed up by the continuous mentioning of ‘monsters’, suggesting that there are other ghostly creatures out in the world, and not all of them are as nice and homey as our boy Aidan, and the occasions when Jodie is unfortunately forced to face them are delivered beautifully upon the screen. I will say no more about them, but although they are rare, they are an awesome highlight of the game and remind the player that Beyond Two Souls is just that; a game, one which is deserving of being played.

Beyond Two Souls is a fantastic, unique experience which is not only emotional and passionate, but is is brilliantly written, intelligent and continuously entertaining. I will say this though; if you intend to play Beyond Two Souls, you may want to have a box of tissues handy; many scenes are delivered to such an emotionally high caliber that I for one was deeply affected by the emotion dripping forth from the screen, the ending especially is a real tear-jerker, and one that will stay with you long after the game is over.

Quantic Dream’s new title is, without a doubt, one of the best games I have played all year. Will I play it again? You can count on it!

Rating: 11/10 (even with those occasionally irritable controls)

Thank you for reading! I hope you enjoy the Beyond experience as much as I did!

Image Reference:

https://encrypted-tbn0.gstatic.com/images?q=tbn:ANd9GcREcVr_lD5t162HalBC_UfQjkna9BLyE7lDFG066OC7kXjvzWa3

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Alone…Again

 

I began this blog so that all of the content that I did not want impeding on my other blog, I could instead store here. Tonight however I am using this blog for an entirely different reason; therapeutic.

Well, hopefully.

It’s Friday night here in Australia as I type away this particular number, and the reason why I am writing this rather than being out on the town like other stereotypical young adults is for the simple reason that I have no paramour in my life to go out with.

Yes, I have friends (actually, I’m lying – I have a best friend and I have a couple of friends overseas) and I have a family (who I get along with as often as I travel to Mars by pony), but, like I have written previously on this blog, I have this hole inside me which can be filled only by a potential love interest, and as long as it remains unfilled, I am forced to endure this feeling of intense loneliness.

Okay, full confession? I have not being in a romantic relationship since 2009. In 2012 I began to think that a relationship may be a good thing to attempt, as I have continued to think since, yet attempting to start one is proving to be immeasurably difficult.

You see, as I have (I think) mentioned on this blog previously, I suffer from depression; I have since I was 15, and I have since convinced myself that no woman could ever possibly fall in love with me, which is what makes attempting to ask a woman out so difficult. I already think a woman is going to say ‘no’ before asking her out, so I normally don’t bother.

In June of this year I asked a woman out, and I probably should not have done so. Reason: she is SO out of my league (I say ‘is’ rather than ‘was’ because I bump into her every Monday – funny – I asked her out because I thought I would never see such a beautiful woman again, and yet, now I am forced to do so!) Basically, I was pretentious to think for a second I was her type; to think she was available; to even attempt such an action.

But, amazingly enough, after I asked her out and was rejected, I did not feel so bad – true, my ego was deflated and I was disappointed, but it was not as painful as the feeling I have in my gut right now.

A young woman I met in 2011 resurfaced in my life this year, and I never began to pay her much interest until now. In August we really began to communicate, and I told her I thought it was strange that a beautiful, intelligent woman such as herself was without friends, and we talked about not affiliating with people at the university campus we attend and she later mentioned she was single when I raised the idea of a possible partner.

Like I mentioned previously – I often convince myself that women cannot love me, and the same applies here.

I contemplated asking her out last week, but this feeling of mine halted my doing so, and today I just went for it; and it turns out she began to date a man not even a week ago. If I had asked her out last Friday as planned, I might have been lucky enough to be dating her right now.

This is of course, my own damn fault.

I guess the reason why I wanted to go out with her is, yes, because I like her, but the real inspiration for my asking was for a different reason entirely. I may have written this here previously, maybe not too – full confession, right? – but I have in the past attempted suicide, and one technique that I have been using to keep my depression from completely destroying my existence is to distract my mind; as long as I am doing something; working; going to university; talking to friends or family – I am not thinking of my depression.

However, this technique of mine has been waning recently, and I at present feel as depressed as I did back in 2010, which is the last time I attempted to take my life, and was the one time when I really nearly succeeded, and if my friend had not intervened, and, with the help of her father taken me to a medical clinic, I would not be here now.

On that note, I felt that going out with this young woman would do me good; would help me with my depression and fill the hole inside my gut.

Instead, that’s not going to happen. For a long time I wanted to die. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I don’t necessarily want to die now, but this is the first time that I can remember when I am scared; I don’t know if I will be able to continue without, well, love I guess.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this, and I have.

Thank you for reading!

Oh, and I don’t think this was therapeutic at all! But I tried, right?

Cruise across the desolate remnants of Earth in the new sci-fi feature ‘Oblivion’

 

Title: Oblivion
Distributor: Universal
Director: Joseph Kosinski
Stars: Tom Cruise, Morgan Freeman, Olga Kurylenko, Andrea Riseborough, Melissa Leo

More Entertaining Than: Moon

Less Entertaining Than: Avatar

Rating (out of 5): 4

In 2077 the Earth is a desolate waste. An antagonistic alien enemy destroyed the moon, and in doing so, this caused the Earth to turn against the human race; earthquakes, tsunamis, etc. Then the invasion occurred and it was at this point that humanity retaliated with a full nuclear offensive strategy. This ultimately won the war, but the result was the destruction of the planet. Most humans, those that survived, now live on Titan, Jupiter’s largest moon, whilst a few humans stay behind on Earth to watch over its decommission. These small teams watch over the water pumping stations that turn the remaining major bodies of water into usage energy, and additionally ensure that the defense drones that protect these huge operations run flawlessly. The alien scavengers, or what remains of them at least, are still out there and in no way can they hinder the operations humanity has taking place on Earth.

Jack (Tom Cruise) awakes from a dream; a memory actually. Before being stationed on Earth his memory was wiped as to ensure that if captured by the enemy, they could extract no useable information from him about his mission. Julia (Olga Kurykenko) was there, as always, her memory haunting his dreams as he attempts to understand what she means to him.
He makes his way out from the station he resides upon and soars above the ground in an attractive cruiser, whilst Victoria (Andrea Riseborough) remains back at the station to monitor his progress and report everything that happens back to Sally (Melissa Leo) at Command, a mysterious figurehead observing the entire mission. But when Jack is captured by the enemy, he finds himself in the presence of Beech (Morgan Freeman) who opens his eyes to the truth; and in one moment, all that he once knew is shattered completely.

As always, the banter between Tom Cruise and his fellow actors over the longevity of the feature is entertaining, well scripted and timed. The emotional connection that one character has with another throughout the feature is an incredibly powerful drive that keeps the film moving forward. True, the numerous action scenes and very attractive special effects efficaciously aid in establishing the audience’s attention to the film, but it is the emotions that run throughout its heart.

Mr. Cruise often seems to choose roles that involve being romantically involved with a beautiful young woman, and this film is no different. Right from the very beginning the film introduces us to a love story and tells a tale about a love so strong that one doesn’t have to know a person; one doesn’t have to have met a person; one doesn’t have to be even near a person, to love them more than life itself, and this is continued through to the very end.

On top of this, the film is a story of sacrifice and choice and the immense and incredible power of the human will to survive and the resolve to live free without tyranny or oppression from foreign enemies.

Some may be disappointed to note that there are no ‘aliens’ per se to be seen, so don’t go into the film expecting any little green men. Instead, the battles that take place are often between robotic entities that rove to be just as merciless as any alien could ever be.

Adjunctively, one needs to see the film through to the end to grasp the entire storyline, for this is not a stereotypically easy narrative to understand, and the only way to acutely comprehend all that has happened throughout the back story and all that is happening over the duration of the film is to see the feature through to the final frame. Throughout the film some occurrences and story elements may make little sense at all, but I can promise you that by the end, many of those lingering questions will finally be allocated answers. I can also promise you that the film’s conclusion will most certainly leave you smiling.

Apart from being a thrilling sci-fi action romance, the feature is adjunctively proof that actors the likes of Mr. Cruise can still be counted on to appear in films of an astounding caliber and that actors the likes of Ms. Kurylenko deserve more cinematic roles rather than ones on the television.

A Predictable Failure?

For anyone who has frequented certain previous posts of mine, you would know that I have on (frequent) occasion mentioned my infatuation with a certain young lady named ‘Elisha’. Well, my ingenious plan was to tell this ominous young woman how I felt about her. I had written a few soporific pieces in regards to my feelings of infatuated love for her, and if you have endured the hardship of reading these deranged cries of love and heartache, then I feel it is my duty to fill you in with the conclusion to this reoccurring love story.

Think of this as your gift for reading all of the previous romanticised drivel that I have thrust upon the pages of this site. Every story is deserving of an ending, even one as tired and boring as the one I have generated on this blog, so allow me to give you the end; in great, verbose detail.

If you have not read my previous posts, then here is quick and very brief recap (of course, my definition of ‘brief’ usually spans around two thousand words).

Two years ago, a young woman named Elisha from Darwin, the capital city of the Northern Territory, made her way to Melbourne and began to attend the same university as I, appearing in a number of my classes. I immediately became attracted to the commitment she applied to her work, in which she endeavored to accomplish everything she began with all of her capability. I found this personal drive of hers to be very attractive, and the fact that she was incredibly beautiful was just an added bonus. Smart, easy to communicate with and with a great personality to boot, she was gorgeous, and often dressed in rather short attire (so short that at times if it had been any shorter her vagina may have made an entrance); to me she was the bees knees.

I came to the conclusion that my telling her how I felt might adversely affect her time in Melbourne if it all went belly up, and so left it to the final semester of our final year together to tell her how I felt.

Well, now with that recap over, I can officially announce that Saturday past was the day that I told her how I felt – via e-mail. Yes; daggy, pathetic, and absolutely without dignity.

‘Why?’ you might ask me, stunned by this sudden admittance. ‘Why use e-mail. Why not confess it to her face?’

Well, you see, I think I’m too much of a gentleman (meaning I’m too much of an emotionally weak bastard) to admit anything to Elisha’s face, although I had every intention of doing so. I asked her at the beginning of Friday if I could borrow some of her time to discuss with her something that was weighing on me. She agreed to do so at the end of the day.

So, I waited, and waited, and waited, and after I had done waiting all that time I then began to get started on waiting some more.

Finally, by the day’s conclusion at approximately 3:46, Elisha and I had our moment to talk; all six seconds of it. The conversation went something like this:

Elisha: ‘Did you want to talk to me?’

The idiot (me): ‘Yes, but if you’re busy we can reschedule to talk next week.’

Elisha: ‘E-mail it to me, okay?’ (Quickly hurries for the door and is already half way across the room)

The idiot: ‘Okeay doakey’ (is this spelt right?)

Okeay Doakey? As I said it, the words did not even seem to be coming from my mouth. You know that moment, when it is like you are watching something from afar rather than actually participating in the occurrence? I personally had never had this happen to me and doubted it could happen – but believe me, if you have not yet experienced it, allow me to tell you – this kind of crap is real – and I warn you, it can, and will happen – if you let it.

Let my experience be a warning to you – now please, go out and live damn it, live!

Anyway – judging by Elisha’s power walk to the door that very action should perhaps have alerted me to the fact that Elisha’s want to talk to me was about as potent as my want to be eaten by a Great White Shark – which I do not want to have happen. My point? I think I should have realised Elisha did not really want to talk. Of course, been a Friday night she probably had a couple parties to get to.

So, on Saturday morning I managed to get up bright and early at around 4 a.m. to write my feelings down. She had told me to write to her, so I felt that I was doing her justice by following her wishes. In the end, I wrote five whole pages worth of me feelings, followed by a love poem.

I have no intention of producing either the confession or love, or the poem. No need to thank me, okay – please, thank me! Yes, yes, I appreciate your warm gratitude. Now, now, don’t get carried away! Please, hold the applause! Okay, let it go! Applaud me baby! YAY!

I will tell you that I confessed to being in love with Elisha. I outlined what I liked about her, and why I had these feelings for her, and then I explained why it had taken me all this time to confess my feelings as I outlined in the ‘brief’ recap. I then asked if she felt a romanticised, legitimate, long term relationship could happen between the two of us, and if she could provide to me an answer to my face, rather than with a tweet, e-mail, voice mail, txt or other like service in case there was a misunderstanding brought on by anything that did not involve direct verbal commentary.

Elisha however decided that the last point I had made in the e-mail was laughable – because she did exactly the opposite and at 11:05 Sunday morning sent her response by e-mail. Now, this I will provide to you:

Naughty (this part (my name) has been changed, obviously. If I actually went around being called ‘Naughty’, who do you think would have been blamed for the past twenty two years every time a cookie disappeared from the cookie jar?)

I just read your e-mail, and although I am flattered by your affection for me, I do not feel the same way.

I hope you can understand where I am coming from and that we can keep things at a professional relationship.

Sincerely

Elisha

P.s (I always thought the ‘s’ in ‘P.S’ was meant to be capitalised. Go figure?) I know you would have preferred me to tell you this in person, but I think my response is clear enough that there shall be no issues with its interpretation.

So, after all this time blogging about this woman of my dreams (not in every post but in at least a good quarter of them) everything officially went belly up.

For anyone who has not read my blog before, you may take one look at what I just wrote and think ‘Jeeze, does this guy e-mail every woman he fancies? He must have never hit a home run!’

However, let me assure you I have had a girlfriend before, bearing in mind it was two years ago, back when people went around clubbing each other over the head with wooden sticks and wore the skin of animals over their private parts. When I did confess me feelings to that particular young woman, it was flawless, and happened a lot easier than this occasion. I told Elizabeth (my then soon to be girlfriend), (I must have an ‘E’ complex, first Elizabeth, now Elisha) that I wanted to be more than friends. Of course, I said this after I pushed her up against a wall in my home and kissed her lips for a good few minutes, before we later went to bed and had lots and lots and lots and lots of…………..food. Yes, hot, steamy, exhausting, passionate, sweaty food. Okay, that’s enough innuendo for one day!

So, now you know how that ended. My Elisha, who is in fact not my Elisha, is to be never more.

Unfortunately, I have found that trying to get over her is a very difficult thing to do, and it would seem that I am completely and utterly in love with her. If I didn’t know this before, then the fact that I am borderline heartbroken due to the fact that I can’t be with her now should indicate that quite clearly to me in vivid heart wrenching detail.

Of course, I do feel that I screwed up, and that on the Friday I should have been a little more persuasive. This is all heading towards a question that I would like to put to my audience. That is if you survived this long…

…should I attempt anything over the next week or so to win Elisha over and gain her affection? This would include anything from kissing her, talking to her, etc, because I honestly am at a loss and would appreciate some much needed guidance. I haven’t had a girlfriend in two years as I pointed out previously, and I don’t know if it shows, but it would seem that I’m a little rusty; like a knight’s armour that was left out in the cold rain for forty five years.

Any answers would be much appreciated!

Thank you for reading people!

Sincerely and with kind regards

Naughty Nefarious

I Really Don’t Understand Women

 

FYI…… THIS PIECE CONTAINS SOME RATHER INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL REFERENCES AND COARSE LANGUAGE. I should probably apologise before you continue reading in case you become shocked by what you might read.

BTW, if you have the intention of reading my other post ‘Broken, Done or Dying? Actually just Dead!’, I would recommend you perhaps read this post first to gain a better understanding of how I totally do not understand the fairer sex.

Now, I wish to talk about two instances involving women where I received mixed signals and interpreted them wrongly. Basically, as I will explain in the piece mentioned above, women give off signals to blokes to indicate whether they like them or not. Well, I have as much an easy time interpreting those signals as I would Egyptian Hieroglyphs.

One: Final year of high school. It’s literary class, or ‘porn’ as I sometimes called it. People would ask me ‘what class do you have next?’ and I would say ‘porn!’ They did not get this, and after asking ‘what?’ I would reply ‘it’s literature – but all we ever talk about is sex and nudity.’ Yes, and whoever said reading literature could not be sexy?

Anyway, perhaps it was for this very reason that I did something a little untoward. There was this foxy New Zealand chick in my class, who come to think of it was totally out of my league. For one, she played sport; soccer, hockey, wrestling – yes, she was a skinny chick, but she was a danger to the Australian people! On top of this, she was best friends with the arseholes of the school. Other people may have referred to this crowd as ‘the cool kids’, but for everyone else (meaning everyone who was not a part of this crowd), they were, and still to this day are, the arseholes! If that is not enough, she would go out every second night, and on occasion every night – and party like it was the end of the world. She would get pissed drunk! She would dance at every club every time she went out. She would hook up with random strangers. She was very wild now I come to think of it, and I’m afraid I’m not quite like that. This story is of course a post for another time, one which I shall title ‘Naughty Nefarious’s, A Nightmare on Chapel Street.’

Anyway, the end of the class comes, and I’m basically on the verge of coming too at the sight of this woman. Yes, I will admit, at the time it was quite often looks that got me interested. Amazingly enough it was after this particular woman that I grew up and decided looks were not everything, and it was the personality of the woman in question or their intellect that would gimmie interested in ‘em. But, on with the story.

I go up to the lady (who I have chosen not to name, cuz someone may read this and know who I’m talking about because how any people named Melissa O’Toole are there In Melbourne?) and I ask her out. I did not think about it, which is something cuz I like to pride myself on being kind of smart all the time, kind of. I did not hesitate. I just walked right up to her and said my line ‘do you wanna go out sometime’ like it was something I said to every person with breasts and a dress, or in her case a skirt that was so short her clitoris was constantly trying to pop out and say ‘hello world it’s me, and I’m awful moist this evening!’

Anyway, the response of this woman? Well, her friends sitting around her are dead silent; the bloke and the two other chicks – they were mid conversation, but they are all stumped! Their mouths hit the floor! Their eyes pop their sockets! Their tongues are tied like a li’l girl’s ponytails. The answer; ‘No thank you, I already have a boyfriend’, which I believe was a subtle way of saying ‘fuck off!’

The issue? Her ‘boyfriend’, the one she was ‘dating’, was the young man sitting right next to her!

Two: This one is probably pretty pathetic really. In March of this year I went to see the Americanised version of ‘Girl with the Dragon tattoo’. The first half an hour of the film I however felt was terrible. Why? The acting was superb. The directing was flawless. The dialogue was intelligent and the vibrant camera transitions were captivating. So, why was it so bad? Well, it wasn’t the film per se as it was those watching it; two of them in fact. I was seated up the very back, and so were they. Two young women to be precise. For the first half an hour at least. The issue; well, yes, they were foxy women, and the problem with foxy women at the cinema is that they are very distracting because they are so foxy, but no! That was not the issue…they kept using their phones. On, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, on, off, about twenty billion times! No – this is not a story of how I overcame the evil ladies of the cinema and told them to put away their phones. No – I placed my hand to the side of my face and by doing so they did not annoy me again. Yes – well, you see I have a very large hand. I have a very large head so it makes sense I have large hands to put next to my large head. I have large feet too which makes sense cuz I have such large hands. I also have a very large – okay, that’s enough! BACK TO THE STORY! Anyway, to digress, the ladies leave half an hour into the feature.

When the film is over, I walk out, past the cafeteria they have going on beside the candy bar – only to see the two ladies again. No, I did not confront them – quite the opposite actually – they confronted me! What the hell did I do to deserve such treatment! I’ll tell you what I did! I was too fucking handsome, that’s what! Nope, no bullshit! No joke! The ladies said that they found me attractive – and were deliberately putting their phones on and off, over and over and over again as to gain my attention and make me angry enough to go over and tell them to stop so they could initiate a conversation with me! If only I had told them to stop using their phones! Instead of watching Girl with the Dragon Tattoo I could have had a fucking threesome in the cinema toilets!

The ladies said I was an idiot, and basically made the implication they were fools to find me remotely appealing because of my inability to ‘read between the lines’ as they put it, and that any woman in general would be a fool to find me appealing after my piss poor display of my observational skills that night. I mean, want kind of idiot am I? I went to the cinema to see one of the most talked about movies of the year? I should have realised that you don’t do that! That’s not why you go to the cinema! No, you go to meet girls! That is apparently what you do these days! Who would have known? I mean, large screen, surround sound, leather seats (it was in the Extreme Screen after all), exorbitant prices – yep, who would have ever thought the cinema was where you see movies?

I’ll have you know that I have not yet had a threesome, and honestly, I’m not really looking for one. I know, loser, right? But, in my defense I have enough trouble trying to get a girlfriend, and then I have plenty of trouble trying to entertain just one woman without adding another one to the mix.

Well, with that said, I think it is obvious; during one moment, I thought the young lady was single, and did not realise the young man she was having a relationship with, if that is what the ominous ‘they’ call it these days, was sitting next to her. Yeah, I must be blind, deaf, dumb and stupid to have missed that one. And during the second circumstance I had difficulty attempting to notice two women flirting with me; albeit, rather strangely I might add, but still, flirting is flirting is flirting.

In my next post, ‘Broken, Done or Dying? Actually, just Dead!’ I wish to further this topic of discussion in accordance to the current ‘girl of my dreams’, how this applies to this situation and what my chances are.

Yes – stay tuned for the BIG reveal!

Naughty Nefarious, signing off – and thank you for reading.

I am not afraid of spending my life with someone forever. I am afraid of never finding that someone I am to spend forever with.

 

Marriage. It is seen as quite a big step for some. For others it is a part of their culture and a necessity for their way of life. For others – it ain’t ever gonna happen. So, where does little ol’ Naughty Nefarious reside? On the fence? In any of these three previous areas of society? Actually, no. So, where exactly? I am actually looking forward to being married. I know, weird! I ain’t even twenty five yet, and I am ready to settle down.

I am just tired of the whole dating game. I mean, what is the point of dating a person for a couple days, or months, or years, only to find that the relationship comes to a grinding and excruciatingly painful halt? So, I can either bench myself, which doesn’t exactly help my cause…or I can find ‘the one’ and move on out of the whole dating game. Yes, ‘the one’. Now, I am not a-ah, shit! I’m gonna say the truth. It’s not like I’m a liar. It’s just that I would rather not admit the following… (giant sigh)………………………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………………………………………………………………………………………………
…………………….I’m a romantic. Yes, I said it. I stand by it. I think I just lost all of my masculinity in that one moment by saying that, but I am going to stand by it. I am a heterosexual twenty something year old Australian bloke – and I’m a romantic to boot. Now, before I go dunk my head in a vat of acid from total embarrassment, allow me to finish my post.

I remember in high school, my year eleven teacher basically made the point that I am certain almost everyone of my age believes in. Why get married when you are so young? People want the opportunity to make mistakes, to have some fun, to have lost and lots and lots of sex with random partners, and do all three of these things and more up until the age of thirty five. Then, and only then will they settle down. Now – they are composed, and they have done enough exploration to finally have a family. In my view, why wait? If you truly love someone, you just know, right? So why not just get married immediately when you realise? I’m not saying you find a girl and one month later become Mr. and Mrs. I got married right quick. No. I’m saying after a cool couple years, then get married – do not follow the social normality that I have been told is the average stereotypical norm and wait until you have been with half the people in the state before coming to your sensors and deciding to spend your life with the one hundredth person you so happen to find.

Now, I ain’t trying to create the idea that the human race is one giant whore and I apologise if that is the view I appear to have orchestrated thus far. No, so please, allow me to explain my last paragraph. People I believe are simply naturally scared of what they do not understand. We live in a world where love is so very often not found. True love especially appears to be entirely absent from society. So, when a person is overcome by such a feeling, I guess it is normal for that person to be naturally frightened of the feeling and decide to not commit to said romance. I however am one of those people who just say ‘the hell with it – go with it!’

Now, I might say that I believe it is nonexistent, but that does not mean that people do not feel it. I am certain that every day someone is overcome by this feeling. The horrible truth is that love, it is quite possibly one of the single most painful experiences one is ever going to feel, for the loudest sound ever recorded was without a doubt the breaking of the human heart. However, the feeling can also be one of the most rewarding. The problem is with the human heart…people and nations can both be neutral. The human heart however cannot. It is the one bastard that always takes a side – and therein lies the rub. The whole connotation of ‘the heart wants what the heart wants’ reigns true, but what is the point of falling in love with someone when they cannot love you back? This is the unfortunate truth that so often occurs. In my case at least.

Now, I don’t know how it is for other people, but I have a system. I never created it, I just had it from the moment I began to become attracted to women. I obtain feelings for a woman, one single woman, and for no one else. When that happens, I pursue those feelings until I cannot pursue them no more. When is that you might ask? Once I discover that I cannot 100% have a relationship with the woman, the feelings disappear. Remarkably I have found this happens quite quick, but bearing in mind in such circumstances neither of us have dated so I basically have nothing to be mourning about. I liked the woman and had feelings for her, but never did a romance bloom. Now, I would like to state that when I successfully reel in a woman after obtaining feelings for her and I verify that she likes me too that we begin to experience a beautiful romance. I would like to say that, but not so much. Why not? My feelings change.

My heart and my mind are in constant battle with one another. My heart is all feeling and imagines the woman liking me as much as I like her and all that we can do together. My mind, that bastard is a different story. He, she, it, is up there in my head, explaining to me how my heart is wrong and how everything is going to come crashing down and how the woman could never love me in a million years. Yes, I have the most negative mind in the galaxy. Now, I have not been rejected so many times. That is not the reason why my mind believes such things. I mean, I have only been rejected three times in my life. I have only ever asked five women out (yes, I know, three plus one equals four, but I do not count the time I was in my final year of high school and playfully asked out one of my teachers – a foxy 23 year old food teacher).

Basically, I don’t think my mind has any reason to think such thoughts. So, once I verify the woman likes me, what happens? My mind, now in full control of the situation, takes control of the wheel and begins to reverse! My heart drove all the way up to the woman in question, put itself on the line, was accepted, and is now leaving. My mind officially comes to the conclusion – it is not going to get any better than this. You like her. She likes you. Nothing else is going to happen. In the end, you will inevitably fall out of like, or love, if you have unanimously grown such feelings for one another, and you would have wasted away all that time together only to leave with a broken heart. So, my mind, the safety net, believes it is saving my heart. How so?

I gain the feelings of boredom in relation to the woman. I have not been out on a date with her. Never spoken dirty with her. Never seen her fabulous naked body standing before me. Never slept with her. Never had sex with her. Never been sprung by her parents. Never been sprung by my parents. So, why the hell am I bored with her? No idea really. My heart obviously reaches the same deluded conclusions as my mind and decides, what is the point? This did not happen during my last relationship. No, this has happened since then. I really did not want that last relationship to end, so obviously my mind has adapted since then and decided it no longer wants to hear my heart bitch and whine about been broken after giving itself away, only to have the relationship come to a conclusion. I know deep down however that if I begin that relationship with a woman, my heart will grow contented and successfully retake control of the wheel. I just need to take that step. I didn’t last time though. Last year, September, I came to the conclusion that the young lady I have spoken of before in some of my previous posts liked me; maybe at least. I had proof that had been verified by my heart, but like already mentioned, my mind thinks me heart to be an idiot. So, basically, no fabulous evidence that my mind could not disavow as been anything but delusions. Anyway, at that time I began to become bored with her – over the course of about forty minutes. And suddenly, I had no control over my legs – they simply took me away from her before I had the opportunity to say anything from ‘s’up?’ to ‘I wuv you.’ What I want is for next time, if there ever happens to be a ‘next time’, for this not to happen, and for my heart to remain in friggin’ control.

I only wish that could be the case…but, like I said earlier. If I get married – I no longer have to worry about shit like this.

Naughty Nefarious, signing off.

Emotions beginning with the letter ‘L’

 

There is some strong coarse language in this piece, along with some sexual references.

I have discussed in previous posts my general ideas behind how to possibly determine how a woman feels, what they want, etc, but rarely have I discussed my opinion. Yes, all of what I discussed was MY opinion, but what I mean by this was that never did I state how I would go about such things. My opinions were nothing more than a general overview, which is something I wish to rectify in this post.

My general notion behind this piece is not an answer, but a question – what is love? It is a question that Haddway asked, which many people I have known throughout the years have simply laughed off. But what does a young man who has only ever had one girlfriend know about love? Yeah, I’m being positively honest with you now – one girlfriend. So who am I to talk about such things? What professional experience do I have in the matter? Not to be pretentious or egotistical, but I would like to think I’d have quite a bit. I would not determine a man who has had fifty girlfriends in his time to know more than me based simply on quantity. I would judge it on the quality of the romance that was explored in the relationship. Of course, I don’t just mean how often the couple had sex, or fooled around or made out. I’m talking about the feelings they had together. I know, boring topic to some. Many people I have known seem to think that if you have sex frequently it must be love. I would disagree.

As for my relationship resume? Well, I had my first kiss when I was five, and my second when I was six, and I didn’t kiss another woman until I was nineteen! It was then that I had a relationship with an American woman for eight months. Yes, an American woman, who was also a single mother. This relationship ended though when she decided to give her partner another chance for the sake of her daughter. This was her prerogative and I respect her for it, enjoying the time that we had together which were quite possibly some of the best days of my life.
Not once in my life have I ever had a relationship with an Australian. So when I mentioned in previous posts I was quite unsure about the signs Australian women give off, I was being brutally honest, otherwise you would imagine I would have won one of ‘em over by now, wouldn’t yer?

 I could argue that I had a purely sexual relationship with one of my friends that was on again off again over the course of a few months, but I would hardly refer to one night stands as being anything reflective of a relationship. I for one prefer relationships over one night stands due to their meaning. Relationships are on quite a heartfelt level, right? Sure, sex is great, I won’t argue against that notion, but I would rather experience it with someone I love rather than someone who won’t remember me in the morning cuz she was so far fucked out of her mind from the amount of alcohol running throughout her veins.

On another note however, at times I have quite enjoyed being single. I mean, the freedom one possesses at the time? You can do want you want when you want and spend all the money you wish or be conservative – there is no one to dictate the terms, for in a relationship, sooner or later everything begins to be shared around, and when you are single you can simply hog everything to yourself. If you want to walk naked throughout the house, feeling the breeze in places you have not yet felt the breeze, you can do so! If you want to purchase a pony and ride it around the backyard to your heart’s content, you can do so! If you want to drink booze every night and have potato crisps attached to your body as you eat and drink in front of the midnight telly with your pants half undone, your penis frequently popping up to say hello, you can do so! (This last one is not reflective of women I don’t believe)

But, then again you do spend an awful lot of nights alone, and although I do enjoy my own company, the silence sometimes becomes so loud that it simply dulls the sensors. It is then that you realise how lonely it feels to be alone when you wish there was someone to share the experience with. When in love, there is no greater comparison in my opinion – the feelings is so amazing. I don’t think I have ever been happier than when I have thought about the women I have loved or the feelings that have come from such romances.

So, now that I have discussed my background, I would like to discuss the topic at hand here – what would I do? Okay, hypothetically, there is the woman of my dreams. Let’s call her Elisha for arguments sake. The problem I find with women is that they are always in groups. Never are they on their own. So how to split her and her friends up temporarily to have her all to yourself?

This is not as easy it would sound. Not because the task is difficult, but because of my views and values. I have a rule – I do not date women I work with, and I carry this rule onto university. You see, at high school, you can leave whenever you wish. It ain’t mandatory. However, people choose to go to university, and it can cost anywhere between ten to thirty thousand dollars to accomplish a three year course, depending on the study you are undertaking. So, I would consider myself to be doing women a favor in this circumstance by not coming onto them because they chose to go to university to gain an education, not go to a university to be hit on by some arsehole.

So, first step in telling the woman of my dreams I fancy her. BREAK MY RULES! TOSS OUT THE BOOK! HELL, WIPE MY ARSE WITH IT!

So, after that, next step? Well, to acquire the woman in question I would believe there to be two direct methods, if not three. One, go up and ask the woman if you can have a moment. I would not say what the matter is concerning, but try to deflect the question, i.e., ‘why can’t two human beings just talk amongst each other?’ or some line like that as to convey the simplicity and normality of what you are saying and to imply there is no alternative motive, which there certainly is! Additionally, you could e-mail the woman. Use the e-mail account that she has with the university and ask her when she is available during university hours to catch up, or talk about an assignment? Or, if you have her number, which I unfortunately do not (actually I did for a group project, but I deleted it when the group project was finished, FUCK!), and so call her instead and ask her that way.

Hopefully her friends do not come. However, if you are feeling bold and do not care about other people viewing what you have to say, explain that her friends can come if the woman in questions feels she would need protection. Now, lure the woman away from the general public to a corner area where prying eyes will not see, unless of course her friends come too, then prying eyes there will be, so skip this step then if it is but worthless.

I would first up explain that nothing will change. I will try to make it sound as though the conversation is to be normal, although my explanation may do the complete opposite. I would say that if she did not enjoy what I had to say, that her word would dictate how things would go, and if she did not enjoy my words and what they were explaining that we would never speak of the matter. Simply pretend it never happened and continue onwards like one always did, with promise of perhaps never talking to her again if it would please her. I would keep this speech however short and sweet as to not spark too much anxiety.

What to say next? I would begin by subtlety explaining how I feel towards her. By subtle, I do not mean come out right and cry ‘I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ No, not subtle enough I am afraid. I would explain that she does mean something to me, but without using such words.

As for what to say next? I wouldn’t. A kiss is nothing, not even a first one. It is the passion behind it that has meaning. So, with that said I would kiss her there and then. If she likes you, there is every opportunity she might kiss you back. If she proceeds to knock your block off, I would consider that to be a ‘no’, so I would recommend this move to men who are REALLY in love with the woman of their dreams.

‘Love’ being the next step. If there is no other word one can find to describe their feelings for this woman, then love in my view would be the acceptable answer. I would ask yourself this though? Do you long to hold her in your arms? To feel the gentle taste of her sweet lips on yours? Do you think about nothing but her, and does not having her fill you with anxiety, frustration and horror? Is she in every breath you take? In every pore? In every heart beat? In everything that you do? Does she torment you in you sleep, her memory haunting you? Does the very sight of her give you cause to smile ever so perfectly? If all these and more are symptoms one is suffering, I would probably say that the term ‘love’ to be the most accurate in its definition, and to say ‘I’m in love with you’ to be perhaps the perfect way to end this. She now knows where you stand, and has the opportunity to continue or end what is there and then, or sleep on it if the case may be. It also is not a question. I find asking a woman out to be not very nice. Three times I have tried this on Australian women I liked. Twice they rejected me, and on the third occasion the woman’s father did.

However, kissing the woman in question is not a good idea if she happens to have either a boyfriend, girlfriend or crazy deranged father. If you wish for your life expectancy to be cut short and the number of days you have left on this Earth to be measured between the numbers ‘naught’ and ‘zero’, I would totally recommend this course of action!

Well, that is my plan. Foolproof it is not. Also, I have never tried it, so if you do and it fails, well, at least I’ll know not to use it for myself! I’m not saying I ever will, I’m just saying how I might hypothetically go about getting the girl via unconventional means.

As always, this is Naughty Nefarious signing off. Thank you for reading.