Alone…Again

 

I began this blog so that all of the content that I did not want impeding on my other blog, I could instead store here. Tonight however I am using this blog for an entirely different reason; therapeutic.

Well, hopefully.

It’s Friday night here in Australia as I type away this particular number, and the reason why I am writing this rather than being out on the town like other stereotypical young adults is for the simple reason that I have no paramour in my life to go out with.

Yes, I have friends (actually, I’m lying – I have a best friend and I have a couple of friends overseas) and I have a family (who I get along with as often as I travel to Mars by pony), but, like I have written previously on this blog, I have this hole inside me which can be filled only by a potential love interest, and as long as it remains unfilled, I am forced to endure this feeling of intense loneliness.

Okay, full confession? I have not being in a romantic relationship since 2009. In 2012 I began to think that a relationship may be a good thing to attempt, as I have continued to think since, yet attempting to start one is proving to be immeasurably difficult.

You see, as I have (I think) mentioned on this blog previously, I suffer from depression; I have since I was 15, and I have since convinced myself that no woman could ever possibly fall in love with me, which is what makes attempting to ask a woman out so difficult. I already think a woman is going to say ‘no’ before asking her out, so I normally don’t bother.

In June of this year I asked a woman out, and I probably should not have done so. Reason: she is SO out of my league (I say ‘is’ rather than ‘was’ because I bump into her every Monday – funny – I asked her out because I thought I would never see such a beautiful woman again, and yet, now I am forced to do so!) Basically, I was pretentious to think for a second I was her type; to think she was available; to even attempt such an action.

But, amazingly enough, after I asked her out and was rejected, I did not feel so bad – true, my ego was deflated and I was disappointed, but it was not as painful as the feeling I have in my gut right now.

A young woman I met in 2011 resurfaced in my life this year, and I never began to pay her much interest until now. In August we really began to communicate, and I told her I thought it was strange that a beautiful, intelligent woman such as herself was without friends, and we talked about not affiliating with people at the university campus we attend and she later mentioned she was single when I raised the idea of a possible partner.

Like I mentioned previously – I often convince myself that women cannot love me, and the same applies here.

I contemplated asking her out last week, but this feeling of mine halted my doing so, and today I just went for it; and it turns out she began to date a man not even a week ago. If I had asked her out last Friday as planned, I might have been lucky enough to be dating her right now.

This is of course, my own damn fault.

I guess the reason why I wanted to go out with her is, yes, because I like her, but the real inspiration for my asking was for a different reason entirely. I may have written this here previously, maybe not too – full confession, right? – but I have in the past attempted suicide, and one technique that I have been using to keep my depression from completely destroying my existence is to distract my mind; as long as I am doing something; working; going to university; talking to friends or family – I am not thinking of my depression.

However, this technique of mine has been waning recently, and I at present feel as depressed as I did back in 2010, which is the last time I attempted to take my life, and was the one time when I really nearly succeeded, and if my friend had not intervened, and, with the help of her father taken me to a medical clinic, I would not be here now.

On that note, I felt that going out with this young woman would do me good; would help me with my depression and fill the hole inside my gut.

Instead, that’s not going to happen. For a long time I wanted to die. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I don’t necessarily want to die now, but this is the first time that I can remember when I am scared; I don’t know if I will be able to continue without, well, love I guess.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this, and I have.

Thank you for reading!

Oh, and I don’t think this was therapeutic at all! But I tried, right?

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Emotions beginning with the letter ‘L’

 

There is some strong coarse language in this piece, along with some sexual references.

I have discussed in previous posts my general ideas behind how to possibly determine how a woman feels, what they want, etc, but rarely have I discussed my opinion. Yes, all of what I discussed was MY opinion, but what I mean by this was that never did I state how I would go about such things. My opinions were nothing more than a general overview, which is something I wish to rectify in this post.

My general notion behind this piece is not an answer, but a question – what is love? It is a question that Haddway asked, which many people I have known throughout the years have simply laughed off. But what does a young man who has only ever had one girlfriend know about love? Yeah, I’m being positively honest with you now – one girlfriend. So who am I to talk about such things? What professional experience do I have in the matter? Not to be pretentious or egotistical, but I would like to think I’d have quite a bit. I would not determine a man who has had fifty girlfriends in his time to know more than me based simply on quantity. I would judge it on the quality of the romance that was explored in the relationship. Of course, I don’t just mean how often the couple had sex, or fooled around or made out. I’m talking about the feelings they had together. I know, boring topic to some. Many people I have known seem to think that if you have sex frequently it must be love. I would disagree.

As for my relationship resume? Well, I had my first kiss when I was five, and my second when I was six, and I didn’t kiss another woman until I was nineteen! It was then that I had a relationship with an American woman for eight months. Yes, an American woman, who was also a single mother. This relationship ended though when she decided to give her partner another chance for the sake of her daughter. This was her prerogative and I respect her for it, enjoying the time that we had together which were quite possibly some of the best days of my life.
Not once in my life have I ever had a relationship with an Australian. So when I mentioned in previous posts I was quite unsure about the signs Australian women give off, I was being brutally honest, otherwise you would imagine I would have won one of ‘em over by now, wouldn’t yer?

 I could argue that I had a purely sexual relationship with one of my friends that was on again off again over the course of a few months, but I would hardly refer to one night stands as being anything reflective of a relationship. I for one prefer relationships over one night stands due to their meaning. Relationships are on quite a heartfelt level, right? Sure, sex is great, I won’t argue against that notion, but I would rather experience it with someone I love rather than someone who won’t remember me in the morning cuz she was so far fucked out of her mind from the amount of alcohol running throughout her veins.

On another note however, at times I have quite enjoyed being single. I mean, the freedom one possesses at the time? You can do want you want when you want and spend all the money you wish or be conservative – there is no one to dictate the terms, for in a relationship, sooner or later everything begins to be shared around, and when you are single you can simply hog everything to yourself. If you want to walk naked throughout the house, feeling the breeze in places you have not yet felt the breeze, you can do so! If you want to purchase a pony and ride it around the backyard to your heart’s content, you can do so! If you want to drink booze every night and have potato crisps attached to your body as you eat and drink in front of the midnight telly with your pants half undone, your penis frequently popping up to say hello, you can do so! (This last one is not reflective of women I don’t believe)

But, then again you do spend an awful lot of nights alone, and although I do enjoy my own company, the silence sometimes becomes so loud that it simply dulls the sensors. It is then that you realise how lonely it feels to be alone when you wish there was someone to share the experience with. When in love, there is no greater comparison in my opinion – the feelings is so amazing. I don’t think I have ever been happier than when I have thought about the women I have loved or the feelings that have come from such romances.

So, now that I have discussed my background, I would like to discuss the topic at hand here – what would I do? Okay, hypothetically, there is the woman of my dreams. Let’s call her Elisha for arguments sake. The problem I find with women is that they are always in groups. Never are they on their own. So how to split her and her friends up temporarily to have her all to yourself?

This is not as easy it would sound. Not because the task is difficult, but because of my views and values. I have a rule – I do not date women I work with, and I carry this rule onto university. You see, at high school, you can leave whenever you wish. It ain’t mandatory. However, people choose to go to university, and it can cost anywhere between ten to thirty thousand dollars to accomplish a three year course, depending on the study you are undertaking. So, I would consider myself to be doing women a favor in this circumstance by not coming onto them because they chose to go to university to gain an education, not go to a university to be hit on by some arsehole.

So, first step in telling the woman of my dreams I fancy her. BREAK MY RULES! TOSS OUT THE BOOK! HELL, WIPE MY ARSE WITH IT!

So, after that, next step? Well, to acquire the woman in question I would believe there to be two direct methods, if not three. One, go up and ask the woman if you can have a moment. I would not say what the matter is concerning, but try to deflect the question, i.e., ‘why can’t two human beings just talk amongst each other?’ or some line like that as to convey the simplicity and normality of what you are saying and to imply there is no alternative motive, which there certainly is! Additionally, you could e-mail the woman. Use the e-mail account that she has with the university and ask her when she is available during university hours to catch up, or talk about an assignment? Or, if you have her number, which I unfortunately do not (actually I did for a group project, but I deleted it when the group project was finished, FUCK!), and so call her instead and ask her that way.

Hopefully her friends do not come. However, if you are feeling bold and do not care about other people viewing what you have to say, explain that her friends can come if the woman in questions feels she would need protection. Now, lure the woman away from the general public to a corner area where prying eyes will not see, unless of course her friends come too, then prying eyes there will be, so skip this step then if it is but worthless.

I would first up explain that nothing will change. I will try to make it sound as though the conversation is to be normal, although my explanation may do the complete opposite. I would say that if she did not enjoy what I had to say, that her word would dictate how things would go, and if she did not enjoy my words and what they were explaining that we would never speak of the matter. Simply pretend it never happened and continue onwards like one always did, with promise of perhaps never talking to her again if it would please her. I would keep this speech however short and sweet as to not spark too much anxiety.

What to say next? I would begin by subtlety explaining how I feel towards her. By subtle, I do not mean come out right and cry ‘I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ No, not subtle enough I am afraid. I would explain that she does mean something to me, but without using such words.

As for what to say next? I wouldn’t. A kiss is nothing, not even a first one. It is the passion behind it that has meaning. So, with that said I would kiss her there and then. If she likes you, there is every opportunity she might kiss you back. If she proceeds to knock your block off, I would consider that to be a ‘no’, so I would recommend this move to men who are REALLY in love with the woman of their dreams.

‘Love’ being the next step. If there is no other word one can find to describe their feelings for this woman, then love in my view would be the acceptable answer. I would ask yourself this though? Do you long to hold her in your arms? To feel the gentle taste of her sweet lips on yours? Do you think about nothing but her, and does not having her fill you with anxiety, frustration and horror? Is she in every breath you take? In every pore? In every heart beat? In everything that you do? Does she torment you in you sleep, her memory haunting you? Does the very sight of her give you cause to smile ever so perfectly? If all these and more are symptoms one is suffering, I would probably say that the term ‘love’ to be the most accurate in its definition, and to say ‘I’m in love with you’ to be perhaps the perfect way to end this. She now knows where you stand, and has the opportunity to continue or end what is there and then, or sleep on it if the case may be. It also is not a question. I find asking a woman out to be not very nice. Three times I have tried this on Australian women I liked. Twice they rejected me, and on the third occasion the woman’s father did.

However, kissing the woman in question is not a good idea if she happens to have either a boyfriend, girlfriend or crazy deranged father. If you wish for your life expectancy to be cut short and the number of days you have left on this Earth to be measured between the numbers ‘naught’ and ‘zero’, I would totally recommend this course of action!

Well, that is my plan. Foolproof it is not. Also, I have never tried it, so if you do and it fails, well, at least I’ll know not to use it for myself! I’m not saying I ever will, I’m just saying how I might hypothetically go about getting the girl via unconventional means.

As always, this is Naughty Nefarious signing off. Thank you for reading.