It would seem that I am still having considerable trouble attempting to adapt to a life that does not involve the woman that I had fallen for. After been told two Sunday’s ago that a relationship was not a possibility because the feelings I have are not shared by the woman that I love, my, you could say, heart, is still yet to properly fathom that information. Or perhaps it is just my ego, since I had not expected the negative response that I had given to me to be orchestrated. So, in an attempt to get over Elisha, the woman I still remarkably have feelings for after been rejected, I am dedicating this post to her, whilst hoping that releasing my feelings will help me move forward.
True, I am only twenty two and I shouldn’t be feeling a little desperate like it’s my final hour alive and I have no more time to waste looking for my one true love (I know, sickening, right?), but sometimes I just get fed up from not having someone with me. I don’t like beginning relationships after I have been in a previous one for a long term period, and the last relationship I was involved in concluded in January of 2011. I immediately began to develop feelings for Elisha in March of that same year, but I did not react on them based on principle – that, and I could not believe for a second that I would fall for another person so quickly, and an Australian for that.
Now, maybe I seem a little crude with my negative connotation of Australian’s in my last paragraph, but, and I have admitted this before so I don’t think I’m shaming myself too much by saying this; I have not once in my life had a romanticised relationship with an Australian woman before. I had a very close friendship with one Australian, who was a very good friend of mine, and I wanted it to be developed into something more and it was indeed on the verge of becoming a full blown romanticised relationship when that concluded. Forgive me if I fail to go into the details of that occurrence, which is a story quite unlike Elisha and I, and one I am not keen to divulge.
I will say that every time I have asked an Australian woman out (which is four times now), it has always been a negative response. Now, you may think ‘four times? That ain’t much’, but the thing with me is, I become attracted to people really easily. I don’t react on attraction. I rarely fall in love though, and I only attempt to have a relationship with someone when my feelings are absolute and true. My feelings for Elisha were this. That is why it will take me time to get over her, although I wish it was not the case. Somehow, we continuously seem to be bumping into each other more and more, despite the fact that there should only be another fourteen days left in the year when there is the distinct possibility of us seeing one another – then she will leave to Darwin and never return, and honestly, right now, I think I will be quite happy with that conclusion – because with Elisha in Melbourne – it is incredibly painful to have my failure, you could say, walking around.
Apparently it would seem that she could think less of me – in fact, it would even seem that if a single thought of me went through Elisha’s mind, it would be the fastest thing that was ever recorded. I mean absolutely nothing to her, and that is why it hurts – my feelings for her are the complete opposite of her own – on top of that, I always want what I cannot have, and I certainly cannot have Elisha, just like I cannot be King of Mars, which is why I want her so.
I have mentioned in the past, although I don’t think it was on this site, but to Elisha herself, that the aspect that attracted me to her was her capability to work proficiently. Whenever she put her mind to a task, she endeavored to complete said task to the best of her ability, and I found this trait to be quite attractive.
Whenever I have fallen for a woman, it was never her gorgeous good looks that made me have feelings for them; it was always another part of them; their intellect; their personality; their talent. In the case of Elisha, as previously mentioned, it was her work ethic, and because the feelings I had did not manifest from physical attraction originally, I knew that what I felt was real and true.
One thing I always found interesting about Elisha, was her communication style. When communing with friends, she was always loquacious. I will have to admit, I am not usually fond of people who talk a lot, and to be honest with you, I am quite often not very fond of the friends that the women I fall for have, and the same especially went for Elisha.
However, returning to her style of communication. Although she was garrulous among friends, when it came to speaking with people of authority, including communication professionals, or talking with groups that were consistent of ten people or more, she would suddenly become incredibly nervous. This shyness of hers I found odd, for physically and mentally I felt there was nothing wrong with her that would cause this trait of hers to manifest itself so strongly that it would cause her to squeak like a mouse or stammer on her words.
What I felt most intriguing about my feelings was that it seemed I had convinced myself that a relationship was possible because Elisha liked me just as I liked her. I have actually mentioned below what drew me to such conclusions, and what alternatively could have shown me that I was terribly wrong:
-In April, I rested my arm on the back of Elisha’s chair and she pulled away. If there was ever a clearer ‘no’, I am yet to see it.
-In late August, I provided Elisha with information that would help with a PowerPoint presentation assignment after she asked for my assistance. I had mentioned to her earlier in the year that I did not give out things for free and would ask for something in return, a condition which she accepted. This time, I mentioned to her that if she happened to use any of the info I provided, that perhaps she ought to take me out to dinner as a sign of ‘thanks’. The next time we saw each other, her friend went to sit near me, and Elisha dragged her away and said ‘I think he likes me’ and indicated towards me before sitting as far away from where I was seated as possible. No?
-Elisha felt confident enough to admit to me that she was nervous about giving the PowerPoint presentation to the class. I consulted her and told her ‘you’ll do fine gorgeous’ and squeezed her arm, and she did nothing to stop me from doing so.
-Elisha never used the information I provided to her. Or said she didn’t. Both are no’s I wager?
-Elisha skipped two classes that I was in after the presentations.
-The next time I saw Elisha, she said ‘hi’ to me, and said so in a very nervous tone. Yes? No?
-In that same class, she moved to sit closer to her friend, and then for the rest of the class couldn’t keep her eyes off me. I thought at the time that she had thought about a relationship with me and had concluded that maybe it wasn’t such a bad idea.
-Closer towards the end of the semester, I invited Elisha to a book launch that I was invited to. She said ‘no’ – a friend of hers had a birthday. The launch was moved back by two days and so I invited Elisha again, and received another ‘no’ – she was busy – a friend’s birthday. Two birthday’s in one week – that is either one helluva coincidence – or one helluva ‘no’ – maybe she simply lacked imagination to come up with a more decent reason not to go with me.
-However, after the book launch, Elisha apologised to my face for not being able to go. I said that it was no problem; that, as I had put it ‘I got two chicks to go with me’, these two women being friends of mine. Elisha suddenly looked taken aback by this comment and said ‘oh’ in a very jealous tone and quickly changed the subject.
-Back in May of this year, after Elisha and I had not communicated for quite a while, she said ‘hi Naughty’ (Naughty not being my real name) when I walked past her. She had been waiting for her friends to accompany her out, neither of whom had arrived when she spoke to me out of the blue.
-The week after during class, Elisha frequently looked in my direction from where she was seated right on the other side of the room.
So that is what influenced me to think that Elisha liked me, yet, at the same time made me wonder if she felt nothing for me at all.
Was I right to think that Elisha liked me? Obviously not since she apparently doesn’t, but, seriously, I think this is a must for me; was I right to make such interpretations based on the experiences that I mentioned above? Call it my need to know, and since Elisha wants nothing to do with me now, I sure can’t ask her such a question.
Also, I know that Elisha has stated that she doesn’t want to begin anything too serious for at the moment she wishes to study, and then focus on her career for the next five to ten years. Would this have anything to do with her answer to my relationship? Before you may or may not answer that, please consider this – Elisha has said in the past that she wants to fall in love. So, with that said, I ask again – does her want to focus on work affect her relationship capabilities?
I know that a couple bloggers have respectively told me that I should respect her wishes to not continue a relationship, move on, or even make her partially regret not having a relationship with me. I agree, all of these are important notions that I have accepted. I only wish to have answers to help me better understand where everything went wrong to help me officially move on, and to ensure I don’t make the same outrageous mistakes again in the future.
Thank you for reading and for any answers you may provide.
Sincerely and with kind regards