Girls in Games


Contains some coarse language and sexual references.

Girls in games. What are they? Well, apart from being, as already stated, girl in games, they are often characters of significant import. I mean, look at some of the major ones; Cortana, Tali Zorah, Liara T’Soni, Zoe, Alma Wade, Kat, Hawk, Princess Peach even, just to name a few. Now, what do all these women have in common? Well, they were all major characters. The main point I am attempting to construct here however is that they were all really ravishing. Even Alma (the older version, not the little girl), for who can resist a naked ghost girl intent on killing you? I mean Cortana; she may have been translucent, but she sure was something (here’s hoping the Chief and her totally get it on before Halo 6). Tali Zorah, and her skin tight space suit, along with that sexy accent of hers, Liara and her undiscovered alien body, Kat and that skin tight Spartan armor. All of these characters, let’s face it, are irresistibly gorgeous to look upon, and all have the bodies of an hour glass.

On top of this, the women who voice them, they are usually not half bad lookin’ themselves. I mean, I once went to one of those Mass Effect forum things and got a look at the woman who voiced Tali – now, she is something else. Let me tell you, I’d step over my mother, my father, and everyone else if it meant I could see her in reality.

However, I did not actually write this post to talk about how beautiful the characters were – well, yes, kind of, but I really want to draw the attention towards the fact that it is all FAKE. All of it is not doing the world of women in reality any real good I don’t reckon. Games create these false interpretations that every single woman on the planet is meant to have fantastic bodies, beautiful faces and sexy voices, which is not the case. I believe it is depictions such as these that cause real women to become so judgmental of their features. They see a woman who is so unreal looking that no woman in reality could ever look as real as she does, and suddenly develop these wild notions that they are not pretty enough. However, I am not calling for this to stop, for foxy lady characters are one of the major reasons to play video games if you ask me, I’m just stating the negative occurrences that come from such great entertainment. Where men find enjoyment, women may not find such pleasure. However, according to statistics a lot of women who play games play, you know, games of intellect, such as chess, and I can’t imagine too many women becoming upset or jealous even with the body the queen has, especially the red one.

In games, I actually, as a matter of fact, prefer to play as women. Maybe it is because the blokes are always designed to be huge, cumbersome brutes with so much muscle mass it makes wrestlers look skinny, and I know deep down that I ain’t ever gonna be that ripped, no matter how much  of a work out I do. But I think the real reason is that having a pair of breasts sticking out from your video game character brings a different flavor to the entertainment.

For one, I can check out my character all I like and not have to fear the reprisal. If you look so frequently at women in reality and their nice bods – things usually don’t go down well and people have a tendency to leave with a black eye or two.

Two, I am never going to experience what it’s like to be behind the wheel of a woman – I mean this purely as a living sense, not a sexual one – and in a game I can experience this, without the negative effects. I may seem ignorant by saying that, but I have come to realise women have really shit lives – they have periods for ninety five per cent of them, they have children, which is apparently a thousand times more painful, and then they endure the menopause. Computer game characters do not endure such vile treatment, which is beneficial, especially for me because many women I know believe the human species would have died out centuries ago if it had been left up to the men to birth the children into this world.

Three, women who kick arse are real foxy, and what is foxier than being in command of the woman who is kicking arse? I’ll tell you – nothing! Wait – being married to the arse kicking woman, that might be something, quite something indeed…

Of course, the women in games are only so beautiful because women in reality are. The one thing that sickens me about women are the women who have a problem with their looks (is sickens too strong a word? sorry people!). Many of my female friends have said ‘I’m fat’ because their boyfriend grabbed at their stomachs and said ‘this shouldn’t be here’ and indicate towards some flabby skin? Or because they read in an article that some Hollywood star weighs thirty eight kilos and they think weighing fifty six is too much? Or because their friend regularly goes to the gym? Or because, or because, or because! The list just goes on and on and on! If I had a dollar for every time I heard a woman bitch about her weight I would own this friggin’ world I tell you! My opinion? Do you want it? Well, if you’re reading this post I’ll assume you do. It’s simple – who gives a fuck I say! I would rather have a girlfriend who had some meat on her bones than have a relationship with a woman who, when she turns sideways disappears into the crowd. And if a woman is obese? Well, if she’s comfortable with how she looks, who cares! Who are we to say she doesn’t fit the social norm required because she’s not  one inch wide!

However, if the stereotypical female body was not so beautiful to look at, then the characters in games would not be either, and then there would be less reasons for women to doubt their looks too. There is always a flip side to these arguments. Let’s just say that whoever developed the female form, whether it be God or Mother Nature, did one helluva good job. But I think we all know who designed women – the same people who designed the pyramids – the aliens, and soon, they will be back – to eat us no doubt – humans make nice tooth picks, or so I have been told by my sources in the alien empire.

My conclusions? Women in video games are beautiful, smart, funny and memorable, which is exactly what all women in realty are. They are just yet to notice because of the pressure put on them to look so good, which they usually do before reading those bullshit articles. When women realise this, there will be one less problem in the world, and I will be able to enjoy my games so much more without feeling bad each time I check out a sexy character, for in the back of my mind one lingering thought will always be present – at least one woman in the world is going to compare herself to that unrealistic woman, and become disappointed with the results, when in fact she needn’t be, because she is perfect just the way she is.

This is Naughty Nefarious signing off, before returning to the mother ship. I’ll see you in the stratosphere!