THIS PIECE CONTAINS FREQUENT INAPPROPRIATE SEXUAL REFERENCES AND SOME INFREQUENT MILD COARSE LANGUAGE. READERS UNDER THE AGE OF 14 SHOULD USE READER DISCRETION
Recently, Australia’s favorite journalist, Joe Hildebrand, developed an article discussing the sexuality of his pooch.
If you want to do pee pee in your pants, I suggest you read this:
Anyway, after reading the article, I really began to think about my own dog. I thought about it that night. I thought about it a bit the next day. And I thought about it today, and even now as I am writing this I am still thinking about it. True, my beloved dog, Sheena the Collie Bitch Goddess has not been with us for a great many years now, but her behaviour back in the day could very well have been reminiscent of her sexual nature.
This ignorant imbecile for one had never considered that any other animal besides a human being could indeed be homosexual. But hey, you learn something new each day!
According to the science, of which I know very little about, FYI, in every person’s brain is a specific section that is reserved for attraction and governs the laws of sexual lust and desire which causes men to like women, and vice versa. For homosexuals, this particular part of the brain is said to be operating differently. However, in my view it would be better to have a part of your brain operating differently than to have no brain at all, which unfortunately for me describes half the people I associate my life with.
Of course, if people can be gay, then why not other species too?
Of course, my discovery of this ain’t all that amazing. Bearing in mind this is coming from the guy who up until last year thought that to ‘poke’ someone meant you took your index and your middle finger and stuck them up a particular orifice of someone you adored. Who would have known it could ever be as boring as simply clicking a button on a social media page? I personally fear the day when other things, like sex, are relegated to such a thing in the terrifyingly possible future, where you visit someone’s site and click the ‘have intercourse’ button, before choosing whether it be verbal, physical or a good ol’ roll in the hay.
Moving on however, the thing is that dogs are quite unlike people. People need to see someone to get aroused. Dogs can simply sniff ‘em out. Now yes, we did eventually remove Sheena of her womanhood to keep from having any little Sheena’s running around in the near future, but that still does not put an end to a dog’s primordial instinct which is to sniff its way through life, something that all dogs have been doing since Christ was a boy.
One thing I have never quite managed to get a handle on is a dog’s introduction to another dog. I mean, what kind of message are dog’s receiving when they shove their nose up another dog’s rectal crack? I doubt they’re gonna take a whiff and go ‘mmm, smells like my favorite perfume – vanilla extract! Have you been eatin’ the ice cream again?’
I can only be so glad that a long time ago a human decided that a hand shake would be a more appropriate introductive method for the human race, else during job interviews I’d have to walk behind my future boss’s desk, get down low and sniff away at the rear end of their trousers. Might not be so bad actually if my boss was a saucy minx of a woman with the body of an hour glass and a shit load of tattoos – I mean, I would probably be fantasising about being in that very position – and several others mind you over the course of my contract with the company.
Besides, I think we already have enough figurative arse licking (especially in regards to politicians), arse sucking (especially in regards to politicians), arse kissing (especially in regards to politicians) and arse sniffing (especially in regards to politicians) in this society of ours without adding any more to it. I mean, if everyone else begins to do so, I can assure you that one, all of those politicians who lick, suck, kiss and sniff their way through politics won’t look so antagonistic, and two, that whole 60s idea of no sex until at least the second date will completely go right out the window, for if you have already shoved your face right up someone’s crack at the beginning of the first date, imagine what you would have done by the end? You would have basically experienced the beginning, middle and end of the relationship all in one evening!
However, Sheena’s behaviour with the guys, before and after her ability to reproduce was systematically removed, was never exactly what one could consider ‘normal’. Whenever a male dog would come within her proximity, she would roll over onto her back and stick her legs into the air. She would keep this pose for as long as the male dog was around, and she would do her absolute best not to move a single muscle. The posture she was able to keep would make those models who go nude in those art classes look bad.
Yes, she would play dead.
Of course, I don’t think Sheena was smart enough to realise that her death would probably look a little different than that. I know when I die I won’t be on by back with my legs and arms in the air. Unless I was performing some seriously naughty, sexually explicit ‘X’ rated promiscuously raunchy fantasy and happened to be tied up at the time whilst been spanked by the hands of little Australian hookers.
The male dogs would take one look at her when she struck this pose, tilt their head to the side and make the ‘mmm?’ dog noise, whilst looking utterly perplexed at the sight before them. You know the look I mean, when a person looks as though there is nothing happening behind the eyes? Whilst I write this I am sitting beneath a tree, enjoying the city air as a chubby bloke walks by who seems to have the exact same expression I’m talking about permanently etched upon his face. I can assure you, if a single thought went through his mind it would go by so fast it would not only be the fastest thing in all of Melbourne, it would make light speed look like slow motion.
However, Sheena’s behaviour was quite the opposite whenever a female dog happened to walk by. Then, she would hurry over with impeccable speed and shove her face into the smelly snatch of her fellow canine and have herself some analingus, cunnilingus, and any other kind of ‘ingus one could possibly imagine.
I can’t imagine what kind of conversation they might have had. May have gone something like this actually…
Sheena: (eyes female dog walking by with owner) (thinks) ‘Wow, that husky is a fox!’ (runs over and sniffs husky’s buttocks)
Sheena: ‘Su’p dawg?’
Siberian husky: ‘Nothing much. What’s your name?’
Sheena: ‘I’m Sheena the Collie Bi-arch’
Siberian husky: ‘I’m Leila, the Siberian husky’
Sheena: ‘Wow, who could have known, two purebreds like us meeting. It must have been fated to happen. Tell me, what is a dog like you doing in a place like this?’
Siberian husky: ‘I’m going walkies!’
Siberian husky: ‘Really, really! My owner takes me out so I can piss and shit all over the neighbor’s yards. Friggin’ beautiful!’
Siberian husky: ‘Yeah, plus, my owner is sick and tired of me wiping my smelly arse along the carpet from one end of the house to the other. I tried to tell her, ‘if you let me have some of that pink toilet paper you wipe your arse with bitch then this shit wouldn’t happen!’ but as always, she didn’t listen.’
Sheena: ‘I know the feeling. Tell me, who’s the stiff?’
‘Siberian husky: ‘That’s my owner silly.’
Sheena: ‘Would she mind if you and I skipped this place and made out?’
Siberian husky: ‘She sure might.’
Sheena: ‘Well, what if I asked you to come inside and have a bite of my sweet, moist bone?’
Siberian husky: ‘Oh, I would love to bite down on your bone! However, my owner might have a problem with that. And if it was more than just eating the bone that you wanted to me do, I may have a problem with that too! You see, I’m real religious – I don’t believe in having rudey nudey’s until after marriage.’
Sheena: ‘Damn girl, what is with you?’
Siberian husky: ‘I know right! So if you wanted to get down on me, right here, right now, you are barking up the wrong tree sweetie.’
Sheena: ‘Yeah, and to think, I was captivated by your beauty and your grace from the moment you walked by, and from the moment you started to talk, you had me eating out of your paw.’
Of course, been unaffiliated with the language of canine, the husky’s owner and I would only have heard:
Sheena: ‘sniff, sniff’
Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof, woof, woof’
Sheena: ‘woof, woof, bark, woof’
Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof, woof, arf!’
Sheena: ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark, woof, woof, woof, awwwwoooll!’
Siberian husky: ‘Woof, woof’
Siberian husky: ‘Bark, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof’
Sheena: ‘Woof, woof, woof, arf’
Siberian husky: ‘Woof, bark, bark’
Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, arf, bark, woof, woof, woof, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, arf, arf, woof, woof, woof, woof, arf, arf, woof, woof, woof, woof’
Sheena: ‘Woof, woof, woof, woof, woof’
Siberian husky: ‘Woof, woof, bark, bark, woof, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, woof, arf, woof, woof’
Sheena: ‘Woo, woof, arf’
Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof’
Sheena: ‘Arf, arf, bark, bark, bark, woof’
Siberian husky: ‘woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, arf, arf, bark, woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, awwwwwoolll! Awwwwoolll! Woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, woof’
Sheena: ‘woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, bark, arf, arf, woof, woof, woof, woof, bark, bark, woof’
However, I’m not attempting to emphasise that Sheena was in any way a sex crazed lesbian love fiend, nor am I attempting to postulate the generalisation that she was a filthy animal. No, my Sheena, she was all class ladies and gentleman. For one, she would poop wherever she wanted. Often it was easy to find, I mean, little brown rocks often stand out on green grass. Especially if the little brown rocks weren’t all that little. It was the sneaky ones she would do around the side of the house that you had to look out for.
Secondly, sometimes when she would take a dump, she would take one look at her excreted bodily products and think to herself ‘you know that looks really quite delectable’ and have a good ol’ munch on it. It was especially nice when she would come running up to you later and lick your face with her shit stained teeth.
Thirdly, the girl could really pack it away! I never knew a woman of any species could eat so damn much. Maybe that’s why she ate her shit sometimes – she felt food deprived. She at times ate her own vomit too. Sometimes she would then vomit it back up and eat it all over again. Good times.
Fourthly, she had the intellect of a dodge ball.
Fifthly, like all girls, she loved to have fun!
In conclusion though, I am uncertain that I will ever be able to successfully fathom the sexual orientation of my pooch. Even if she were still alive, it is not as though I could ask her. But even if she had been a lesbian, I would have loved the smelly, hairy, disgusting, beautiful, gorgeous, loveable animal that she was. I miss you Sheena the Collie Bitch Goddess, and wherever you may be; Heaven, Hell, Purgatory, floating in a void of nothingness or just gone completely, just know, I still love you.
Dedicated to the memory of Sheena: 1985-1998
Thank you for reading
This is Naughty Nefarious, signing off once more