Alone…Again

 

I began this blog so that all of the content that I did not want impeding on my other blog, I could instead store here. Tonight however I am using this blog for an entirely different reason; therapeutic.

Well, hopefully.

It’s Friday night here in Australia as I type away this particular number, and the reason why I am writing this rather than being out on the town like other stereotypical young adults is for the simple reason that I have no paramour in my life to go out with.

Yes, I have friends (actually, I’m lying – I have a best friend and I have a couple of friends overseas) and I have a family (who I get along with as often as I travel to Mars by pony), but, like I have written previously on this blog, I have this hole inside me which can be filled only by a potential love interest, and as long as it remains unfilled, I am forced to endure this feeling of intense loneliness.

Okay, full confession? I have not being in a romantic relationship since 2009. In 2012 I began to think that a relationship may be a good thing to attempt, as I have continued to think since, yet attempting to start one is proving to be immeasurably difficult.

You see, as I have (I think) mentioned on this blog previously, I suffer from depression; I have since I was 15, and I have since convinced myself that no woman could ever possibly fall in love with me, which is what makes attempting to ask a woman out so difficult. I already think a woman is going to say ‘no’ before asking her out, so I normally don’t bother.

In June of this year I asked a woman out, and I probably should not have done so. Reason: she is SO out of my league (I say ‘is’ rather than ‘was’ because I bump into her every Monday – funny – I asked her out because I thought I would never see such a beautiful woman again, and yet, now I am forced to do so!) Basically, I was pretentious to think for a second I was her type; to think she was available; to even attempt such an action.

But, amazingly enough, after I asked her out and was rejected, I did not feel so bad – true, my ego was deflated and I was disappointed, but it was not as painful as the feeling I have in my gut right now.

A young woman I met in 2011 resurfaced in my life this year, and I never began to pay her much interest until now. In August we really began to communicate, and I told her I thought it was strange that a beautiful, intelligent woman such as herself was without friends, and we talked about not affiliating with people at the university campus we attend and she later mentioned she was single when I raised the idea of a possible partner.

Like I mentioned previously – I often convince myself that women cannot love me, and the same applies here.

I contemplated asking her out last week, but this feeling of mine halted my doing so, and today I just went for it; and it turns out she began to date a man not even a week ago. If I had asked her out last Friday as planned, I might have been lucky enough to be dating her right now.

This is of course, my own damn fault.

I guess the reason why I wanted to go out with her is, yes, because I like her, but the real inspiration for my asking was for a different reason entirely. I may have written this here previously, maybe not too – full confession, right? – but I have in the past attempted suicide, and one technique that I have been using to keep my depression from completely destroying my existence is to distract my mind; as long as I am doing something; working; going to university; talking to friends or family – I am not thinking of my depression.

However, this technique of mine has been waning recently, and I at present feel as depressed as I did back in 2010, which is the last time I attempted to take my life, and was the one time when I really nearly succeeded, and if my friend had not intervened, and, with the help of her father taken me to a medical clinic, I would not be here now.

On that note, I felt that going out with this young woman would do me good; would help me with my depression and fill the hole inside my gut.

Instead, that’s not going to happen. For a long time I wanted to die. I wouldn’t go so far as to say that I don’t necessarily want to die now, but this is the first time that I can remember when I am scared; I don’t know if I will be able to continue without, well, love I guess.

Anyway, I just wanted to write this, and I have.

Thank you for reading!

Oh, and I don’t think this was therapeutic at all! But I tried, right?

Advertisements

6 comments on “Alone…Again

  1. i fully understand what you mean, mr. childs. my aunt tells me the same thing, how i need love yo kick depression. easier said than done, right? like i told you before, i try to cope by not thinking of everything wrong but of what can go right. the other thing i tell myself when i’m thinking of doing something is i ask myself what i’d do if i was not afraid. this inspires me to do shit and i can say it helped me a lot. finally, i count as one of the overseas friends, right? hehe and i have not answered your email becausr my stupid phone shuts when i open your email. i’m glad to read this from you, btw. opening ourselves lead to good things sometimes.

    • Thank you for the comment ma’am. I guess we all have our personal ways of attempting to cope with depression. I’m glad your strategy works ma’am, and I wish you all the best for the future.
      Yes, you’re an overseas friend – I need awesome ladies like you to keep me grounded. Also, don’t worry about my stupid e-mail. You may chat with me via e-mail whenever you can – or, more aptly, whenever my e-mail let’s you.
      Also, I agree with you – opening ourselves up does help. That’s what I was going for, and although it may have helped relieve some of the burden off my chest, it didn’t effectively neutralise all of it. Damn!
      Again PM, thank you for commenting.

  2. I have a friend who suffers from depression. She disappears for days, and sometimes I wonder if she’ll ever come back. She eventually resurfaces, and I breathe another sigh of relief. I wouldn’t know what to do if she disappears for ever. I think I’d feel terrible for not doing more for her, or feeling I was responsible in some way. But I know it wouldn’t be true. I still think it so, regardless.

    Hang in there. You’re on the right track with keeping busy. 🙂

    As for women? I grew up finding out the secret to dating gorgeous women. Yep, there’s a secret, and it’s hard to believe, but true, nonetheless. Men are afraid to ask beautiful women out because they think they’re already spoken for. Yep. Meanwhile, these pretty women are sitting home most Saturday nights doing nothing more than watching TV or chatting online. In high school, I had a date every Saturday night because I knew all the other guys were afraid to ask the popular girls out. I guess I learned early on this secret, which really isn’t much of a secret other than common sense. Anyway, prove me wrong! The worst possible scenario is they say no. Oh, well, try again with another woman. Eventually, your self-confidence will grow and you’ll find a girl who will rock your world! 🙂

    • Thank you sir. Its very considerate of you to post such a comment.
      I know what you mean about feeling responsible if a friend of yours with depression were never to return. A couple people I know, including my mother, have either had or still have depression, and I don’t know how I would react if something happened that I knew I could have prevented.
      I also agree with you that men are too afraid to ask beautiful women out because they feel they are spoken for – that is actually one of the primary reasons for my never going through with the whole asking process. Thank you for your optimistic view, and thank you for taking the time to comment Mr. Flacco, appreciate it! 😀

  3. I know what you mean. I suffered from depression in the past. I moved all the time as a kid, and so I lost my friends constantly and getting new ones became more and more difficult. People were nasty at school, and so I dreaded going because I would either have people be mean to me or they would ignore me, and I’d watch them talk to all the friends I didn’t have. And then I began to want this “love” everyone talks about, and it never really happened so far. The bullies in school would get flowers on Valentine’s Day, but not I, of course. It seems like being nice is not good enough, even though that is one of the main things I look for, but I guess that’s just me. I was quite depressed and wanted to die, but I never did anything about it. Fortunately for me, I found peace somehow and am no longer so upset about this whole thing. I hope you will be able to get this same peace until you meet the right person.

    Anyway, I hope things will work out for you. I’m sure there are a lot of people with the same issues, and what I think is for people like us to meet someone, we need to find someone with the same troubles and thus, the same understanding. Perhaps the popular people that find dates constantly are not right for people like us. Perhaps people like us, who have trouble meeting people, are the kind of people for us because I think we are more willing to give someone a chance. Good luck on finding the right person. I read the blog of another person who simply couldn’t find anyone and didn’t think she would, and now she’s recently married to a guy she really loves and who really loves her. It happens, even if it doesn’t seem like it will.

    • Thank you for the comment ma’am! I’m sorry about what happened to you at school – it sucks to watch everyone else having the time of their lives whilst you remain the odd one out.
      Thank you also for the well wishes – clearly you are a far more optimistic individual than I!
      I additionally agree with you that people with depression are perhaps the best people to date others with depression due to the ability to comprehend the agony going on inside. However, I might also argue that I have never met a couple where both parties had depression. I might be encouraged to believe that if two people with depression may generally become even more depressed together, so even though they could understand and accept one another, they may inadvertently fuel each others agony.
      Just a thought – albeit a rather negative one! Sorry about that.
      Oh, and sorry for the late reply. My laziness reached an all time high this week!
      Thank you again for the comment!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s