Poetry Discussion

 

This piece contains some explicit language. Additionally, I do not own the rights to any poems that I happen to mention, which are copyright of the original respective owners.

 

Am I a professional poet?

No.

Am what I about to write have any merit whatsoever?

Probably not.

But that is probably at the end of the day the best thing about poetry. It does not matter whether you are professionally published or just an individual writing what you believe freelance, because interpretation is the driving force behind poetry. A person can write a piece, and the author will have one interpretation – that which the poem is meant to be about in their mind, but a dozen other people could have a completely different opinion.

In university, I was taught this one ideology by my poetry lecturer, which was a discussion topic that began back in high school, how one should never be afraid to stipulate their beliefs on what a poetic product is, because it can be interpreted in so many different ways. Often a fiction novel will have only one interpretation available, but poetry is so more free and open.

There are differences of opinion. My poetry tutor in university, who was not my lecturer by the way, said there was only one true way to interpret poetry, and that is the way the author designed it. I would disagree on that count. Back when I was with a band, I remember writing the piece ‘I See You.’ Now yes, I have had many a discussion with people, teachers and students alike about whether lyrics and poetry share commonalities, and I would agree that they do, but it would ultimately depend on the piece. My year eleven literature teacher for instance compared the Wham song ‘Wake me up before you go go’ which was probably not a good choice to compare with poetry because it is best listened to musically rather than poetically. However, if you were to choose a piece like Amazed by Lonestar, such is more reminiscent of poetry. Anyway…the song I wrote for my band was a piece about regret. I clearly remember the first few lines going something like:
‘I don’t know if you saw me,
but I know I saw you,
looking the way all lovers do
when they look into your eyes,
caught within a paradise
of which I can’t escape from….’
Now, when this was performed to an audience consisting of around one hundred and fifty people, I would like to state that yes, they enjoyed it, but they interpreted it as a love piece. True, the chorus went:
‘Roses are red,
violets are blue,
you’re my girl
I’m hot for you.
Roses are red,
violets are blue,
realise I’m in love
when I see you
but, reminiscent of the opening line, ‘don’t know if you saw me’, eventually another verse followed with ‘or if you ever will’, which symbolised how the man knew of the woman and loved her, but the woman had not taken notice of him, nor ever would, hence, the idea of regret; not ever verbally confessing his feelings and hence having to watch her leave, believing her to be better than he was, which furthered the notion of never confessing to her how he felt. So, this demonstrates the notion of interpretation. A part of me may not have enjoyed the fact that my piece was interpreted differently than I had originally intended, but if those in the audience enjoyed the piece for the interpretation they had conjured in relation to it, then far be it from me to deny them this happiness. Additionally, Hoobastank’s ‘the reason’ was enjoyed by many, to such an extent that it was used as the song at their wedding, despite the fact that it too was a piece about regret, and the song from the Police, ‘every breath you take’ was believed to be about stalkers, but that was also used by many as the song at their wedding as well.
Poetically speaking however, Shakespeare’s Sonnet XVIII, ‘Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Day’, Is reminiscent of interpretation. There is the belief that it was written for his secret infatuation, a young, beautiful maiden, and there is also the going belief that he wrote it for a man that he cared for, which according to some could have also been his muse, hence, interpretation at work.

Again, interpretation can of course be applied to reality. For instance, the terms ‘climate change’ and ‘global warming.’ Climate change sounds quite negative – I mean, the climate is changing? And there is that whole unknown factor in the equation where we don’t know what it is changing into. But global warming? First thing that comes to mind when I hear such a term includes the likes of shirts, shorts and foxy ladies in bikinis. Bring on global warming I say with that kind of interpretation, but a big ‘NO!’ to climate change, which is quite humorous due to the fact that they are one and the same.

Now, apart from interpretation, the other aspect of poetry I find most intriguing is the way it is written. Unlike a novel, piece of prose or other like piece, a poem is not traditionally bound by the rules of grammar, and so one can cheat. This is not necessarily limited to the idea of false rhymes (time, line, etc; just because they are similar they can be used), no, not at all. I am making reference to an entire poetic piece in general. An average sentence in a written work of fiction requires good grammatical skills, punctuation and flowing dialogue to keep the sentences moving appropriately. This is not the case in poetry, in which one can purposefully toss these stereotypical rules out the door and change that which so many teachers have argued should never be changed. Many poets have indeed done this, including the likes of William Shakespeare, Andrew Marvell, John Forbes, John Keats and Sylvia Plath, just to name a couple of the many dozens of amazing talent that has blessed the world of poetry throughout the ages. Many of their well known pieces could be seen as making very little sense literally, and yet they were much loved for the content which was easy to decipher even when the notorious rules of grammar were temporarily relaxed.

This can also be furthered with the use of rhyme, stanzas and syllables. I used to find it difficult to enjoy a poem that did not rhyme, and now, after reading many pieces that did in fact not rhyme, I have become quite accustomed to it. Some pieces additionally use syllables, which I use in every single one of my pieces, but others never ever use. This is one more aspect of poetry that is so great. Any writer of poetry can create a piece and make it their own by changing the rules of the written word when it is used in poetic pieces. One can use different formed lines, with around then words in one and two in another; with fifteen syllable in one line, twelve in the next and three in the one that comes after that. This once again is symbolic of interpretation; one writer can believe a poem should be written in one particular style – and another can have a completely contradictory belief.

As for whom my favorite poets are? I don’t exactly have any. I prefer pieces, rather than poets, for many of them wrote a particular piece or two that I believed to be especially enjoyable. William Shakespeare and sonnets XVIII ‘Shall I compare thee to a Summer’s Day’ and CXXX ‘My mistress’ eyes are nothing like the sun.’ I enjoyed this piece because it would seem that Shakespeare is laughing at the stereotypical poetic method of writing about the woman you love. Many writers, including this unpublished soul have written pieces where we compare the woman in question to Heaven and other such outlandishly beautiful ideals, expressing her beauty, whether it be physical or internal to be unrealistically amazing. Yet in this piece, Shakespeare seems to be taking the piss out of the piece, by almost insulting the woman of whom he is displaying his affections for by depicting her the way she truly looks, which makes her seem almost hideous when in comparison to pieces where one compares the woman to impossible comparisons, when in fact he is but articulating the image of the natural flesh and blood woman.  XVIII on the other hand is enjoyable to me because it is quite the opposite of CXXX in that he is articulating the love he feels for the individual in question as being undying, and depicting this person as a ‘summer’s day’, which is exactly the opposite of the comparison’s in CXXX where he refers to the woman’s breasts as being ‘dun’ in colour. I of course use the term ‘person’ rather than ‘she’ because as already visited, it is yet to be determined by some as to whom he was writing this piece for. Additionally in the conclusion of the piece, Shakespeare makes the notion that he will allow the person to live forever within the verse with the line ‘so long lives this’, which could be reflective of the most amazing gift one can bestow onto another for Shakespeare is allowing them to be permanently remembered for all the years to come within the stanzas of the poem.

Andrew Marvell, and his piece ‘To His Coy Mistress’, which my Reading Contemporary Fiction lecturer described as not a love poem per se, but a poem about ‘fucking’ as he put it. Such references are quite subtle, but are explosive when you look at them in the context they are provided, with numerous vaginal references, including ‘the iron gates of life’, and the references consisting with the ravishing hunger for lustful romance with the idea of predators and prey and the idea of devouring the other. The biblical references at the beginning most sections of the piece fit well at this point where the author expresses basically his undying love, followed by his want to gaze upon the body of the woman, wanting two hundred years to adore each breast of the woman, followed by an additional thousand to marvel the remainder of her body’s feminine beauty. Basically, for the time this piece was quite bold, and its references speak loudly to this very day.

This piece and those of Shakespeare further the notion that poetry is undying. It does not matter if it is written today, ten years ago, a hundred years ago or four hundred years ago. All that time could go by and the references, messages and stories told in these poems reign just as true today as the day they were transcribed into words on paper.

The poem ‘If’ by Rudyard Kipling is yet another piece I quite enjoy, for it is a very inspirational and beautiful piece from a father to his son. This poem explains the importance of life and the lessons one is to receive, and how one is to overcome the trails of life, which, if one is able to accomplish will allow them to succeed and enjoy in the richness of what this world has to offer. Of course, the poem also highlights the deceitful natures of bad natured men and to look out for these traits, and to live a life that is destined to be great and true rather than the malevolent opposite to this. Like I said – very inspirational.

Again, Ulysses by Alfred Tennyson is a piece that I find quite beautiful, but not in the message like the other pieces I have mentioned previously, but in the way that it has bane transcribed. The poetry makes references to aspects of history and to that of nature and the natural world in such a beautifully majestic way that one is almost incapable of not being fully immersed in the words. Everything whilst reading this piece seems almost to be an accurate depiction of what the world is. The poem is inspirational, yes, but not in the way that Kipling’s ‘If’ is, but in a way that it allows the reader to feel admiration for their surroundings and to look back on their life and to realise that they too have ‘enjoy’d greatly’ but also ‘suffer’d greatly’ too, but to never give up.

On another note, the poem ‘the flea’ by John Donne is yet another piece that has proven enjoyable, and, just like the piece by Marvell is a more sexualised variant. By sleeping with the man in question the woman will barely lose a thing; that is what the poem is about – the convincing of a young virgin of whom is quite prestigious yet young in a higher class society to bed a man who is less than her family’s stature, which some would consider a most heinous crime. However, the poem is written very smartly, for it was in this time that everyone had fleas, whether they be the rich or the poor (but perhaps the poor had a few more, rhymes! How sickening!), and the man makes reference to the flea bite as his argument – that such a tiny little bite is reflective of what will be lost when the woman sleeps with the man, which is a direct reference to the breaking of her hymen. Smart, sumptuous and quite bold for its time, this poem still reigns true to this day where men still attempt to come up with random reasons for ravishing damsels to sleep with them – with the exception that half the world no longer suffer from flea infestations, so if you happen to be lucky, or maybe unlucky enough to live in that most part of the world, such a poetic piece can no longer be visited as one’s argument.

Additionally John Keats would find his way onto my list, but I would not give mention to any of his pieces. Many a person has told me in previous poetic classes and such that they really enjoyed his pieces. I for one will have to say that some of his work leaves me feeling at a loss, although when he is romantic, which he always is, so what I mean to say is – when he is being blatantly romantic and one can clearly understand his meaning, it is then that his words and his meaning is all but flawless, and it is in those moments that you can almost feel the love dripping from each page like candle wax.

However, all of these poets one might notice, are not Australian. I realise that John Forbes is visualised as one of Australia’s most amazing poets, but I would not be one of them. I apologise for saying such things about a man who passed away, and at quite a young age too, but I found his pieces, and to this day when I on occasion go back and have another look at them, find such poetry to be quite depressing. To be frank, and perhaps not really masculine at the same time – I prefer romantic poetry, and I do not believe for a second that Mr. Forbes ever in his life wrote a poem that was quintessentially romantic in design or interpretation.

I was however once quite ignorant about poetry, believing all of it to be about seduction, which is initially what peaked my interest in it. I do suppose a part of me legitimately believed that if I was successful in understanding the poetic word, then I would be capable of finding the key to a woman’s heart and unlocking all the love that was inside for myself, so that I, and only I, would enjoy the fruitful delights that lay waiting on the other side. Any of the pieces I wrote, and the pieces I continue to write toady are reminiscent of this belief. For one, as previously mentioned, almost all are about romance, and two, some are based upon actual living, breathing people.

‘Hard to admit I love you’ in which I mentioned the woman in question was named ‘Rachel’ was actually about a woman, named Rachel, who was in my fiction writing class at university, and the sexual references displayed within the piece told the untold story of some of the fantasies I might indeed wish to experience with her.

The ‘Untitled Beauty’ poems are about Jedi master Aayla Secura from the Star Wars franchise, and additionally about a young woman who dressed up as said character for a ComicCon.

The poems ‘the Night Melbourne Died’, ‘I’m never going to be good enough for you’ and ‘No Death in Love’ are all reminiscent of the same woman who I had a crush on, and later discovered she had a boyfriend, the latter of the three being the last poem I ever wrote in relation to her which was more of a break up piece, like a poem that I used to officially get over her, whilst at the end making reference to the fact that if she ever wanted me all she had to do was say the word.

‘Unloved’ was a poem about a woman who I saw at university for about a minute from afar, and the piece ‘Metropolis Me’ was about a certain young actress who portrayed a certain masked character in the Mass Effect franchise, and the hypothetical notion of what it might have been like to have bene friends and to have grown up together.

But, I digress back onto the subject of Australian poets I like – there is only one: Tara Mokhtari. Although she is probably not widely recognised yet, her poetry has appeared in a number of literature magazines, and on sites across the web, including her personalised blog. I additionally know her to have worked in the television and theater industry, and to be on the verge of being the next J.K Rowling, Oz version. Her poetry ranges from those reminiscent of love, life, the making of mistakes and depression. A link to her poetic blog can be found here: http://taramokhtari.wordpress.com/ However, I do not think she has visited her page in quite a while…
Of course, I believe I am simply bias towards Ms. Mokhtari, because she was my creative writing tutor back in my first year of university, and I was quite attracted to her then, as I still am now, believing her to quite possibly be the single most sexiest Australian woman I have ever seen.

Additionally, online I would recommend the poetic work of the following WordPress users, if you are not already following their pages:

Maggie Mae: http://maggiemaeijustsaythis.wordpress.com

Coco J. Ginger: http://courtingmadness.wordpress.com/

KylaSpeaks13:  http://kaylaspeaks13.wordpress.com

Clown Ponders: http://clownponders.wordpress.com

Lindsaythomas20:  http://lindsaythomas20.wordpress.com

Mary Anne Pale: maryannepale.wordpress.com

I would however not recommend the work of Totalovrdose unless you are partially drunk (http://totalovrdose.wordpress.com/) because to recommend my own poetic blog would seem pretentious and egotistical.

I apologise to any poetry bloggers who I did not recommend. I myself am only following around ten or so blogs that incorporate poetry into their design, and this is just a random handful. I am certain there are millions of others online, all of whom I are sure to be quite deserving of an appreciative gander.

Well, that is all from me and my opinions on poetry, poets and pieces that I like.

Thank you for reading.

Sincerely and with kind regards,

Naughty Nefarious.

Do women date guys who wear glasses?

 

Yes? No? Well, if I was not asking this question I would obviously have the answer, and hence, would probably not need to write a post about this. My concern? Believe it or not, I wear glasses. That image I use for my profile – that’s me wearing contacts.

Now perhaps I am ignorant for believing such a thing, and perhaps I don’t have all the facts, but it is a subject that has crossed my mind on more than one occasion. I know it happens in television shows and movies, but I am not talking about those occurrences – I am making reference to reality.

Here’s a question for you – how often do you see a gorgeous woman in a relationship with a man wearing glasses? I for one, have only ever seen this once in my life. Yes, once. I am not including myself in this equation, for I am discounting me self from such a question. I guess I could argue if it happened to me it could happen to anyone, but I would disagree because my last girlfriend was not Australian. Yes, back to the contextual Australian dilemma.

I would argue that men who wear glasses don’t look as good as men who don’t, I mean, they do obscure part of one’s face, and they stand out quite incredibly. You can see those things from several miles away, especially if they’re those jet black plastic things goin’ round town these days. I’m not saying that women are quite sensitive about an issue and quite choosy, but I would argue that a better lookin’ man has a greater chance of having a relationship with someone than someone who is lacking in such a department. Looks ultimately are a big concern in today’s society. It is said that in under seven seconds upon meeting someone, a person has already come up with an opinion of who that person is and whether they will like them or not. Again, if you see two men in a punch on, a man who wears glasses and a man who doesn’t, regardless of size, shape and build, who will you bet your money on?

Furthermore, I think women have a far greater concern than looks and impressions in this theory…genetics. Many women are going to have children, and as I have discussed previously, whether or not they are intending to have children at a young age, I believe that somewhere in the back of their mind, even unconsciously, they are choosing men partially based on their genetic structure, so if the relationship continues long term and they have children, that said children will have the best genetic security to fulfill their lifelong endeavors. Now, yeah, men may be physically stronger, but men are also genetically inferior to women, cuz of the XY gene going on, whilst women have XX. Anyone who studied such a formula (its kinda mandatory in Australia so I’m gonna guess it is also for other countries as well) would know that the XX enables the person to not acquire every single bad genetic trait, although they can still carry it. Basically, if a man and a woman have a child, and the man wears glasses and the woman doesn’t, if they had a daughter, the child would not have an impairment of the eyes, but would carry the genetic fault. If the couple had a boy, and one parent wore glasses, then that child would need to wear glasses because they are not immune to such genetic traits due to the XY gene. They would also continue to carry this genetic trait, which means they have two doses of bad luck.

This however is not just limited to the eyes, but to every single trait in the body. I’m not saying that women question blokes about their genetic properties. I know I haven’t been, but I could list the amount of relationships I have had on a piece of paper approximately two by three centimeters in diameter. However, a woman would not need to ask if the condition is manifested physically and is plainly visible – they will know immediately.

However, I do believe this swings both ways kind of. I think men too care about looks and there are times when women I have known have told me that men did not make advancements on them because they wore glasses. One friend of mine told me that the guy recommended for her to consider contacts – then he would take her out. However, due to the fact that men do not carry the child in their womb for nine months and give birth to the next generation – I do not believe they consider this when they are looking for a partner.

But this is just my opinion. What are your thoughts?

I’ve a Problem…

 

(May contain some sexual references)

…I talk before I think. I’ve had this for quite a while. Now, I’m not in need of any antidote, but I can’t seem to get a handle on it either. I see a person, or a situation, and I can’t help but open my mouth and say the first thing that comes to mind – without even processing it properly. Hell, half the time I think ‘wow, what a cool line!’ only to think ‘you stupid bastard!’ a couple seconds later.

This may be one of the reasons why I don’t really talk much to people I hardly know. I however make up for this when communing with people I have known for a while because in part I am sure they are somewhat used to what I am bound to say during a conversation. Additionally, I seem to only ever have a difficulty keeping my mouth shut about issues that should not be brought to life with people I have only just met. There is a certain feature, either physical or internal, or a view, value or trait of theirs that I feel the need to comment upon which inevitably leads to a very unhealthy relationship.

Now, it ain’t that I believe my opinion is absolutely awesome and needs to be expressed. I know it is! (Okay, joking, but seriously, back to topic) It is that I suddenly feel the need to speak my mind. I have come to realise that when I don’t mention something which I find to be quite pertinent, it begins to become a bit of a burden, and like a fat cat in a corner continuously being fed with no exercise to help the little tyke out, what I have not yet expressed begins to weigh quite heavily on me. Sooner or later when I feel I am going to burst with the info I find that I either have to express it immediately, or find some other avenue which can help me vent out whatever I wish to explain. This can be anything from feelings to resentment to just general observations, and my other ways which can relieve myself of such a burden can either be from writing down whatever is affecting me and transpiring it into either a story or piece of poetry, or going out and using the ol’ punchin’ bag.

I have been taught in the past, especially in university, to generally assume the abilities of those around you. Assume they are intelligent, strong willed and capable of understanding what you wish to express. If you find evidence to disprove this theory, well, then you can assume them to be stupid, incompetent arseholes, but only then, and not before. With that in mind, I do believe it is this theory that has caused me to believe that I can say what I want and kind of get away with it when I am talking to new people for the first time because I believe on some level they will understand me.

Of course, the other factor once more is interpretation, which seems to make an entrance in an awful lot of my posts, now, don’t it? I say something and the other person believes I am conveying something else but according to certain communicative models, during a good transaction of dialogue, what is being expressed by the sender is being received by the other in the exact same manner. However, I fear the message is quite frequently being screwed up. I guess this could be due to cultural background, upbringing, personal experience and so on, with people judging what is being said on those prior ideals.

For instance, recently this young lady introduced herself to me. I was courteous, well, I think I was, and I guess an alright kind of host. She wanted to have some assistance of sorts navigating the area because she was new to these parts. I suddenly ask her not far into our meeting why she would choose me over other guys because I do not know her and that I am certain to have remembered her if we had met because she is quite attractive.

At these words the young lady in question flees for her life and I have not seen her since. Actually, come to think of it nobody has. Oh my… Actually, that was a joke, I’m sure she’s fine. Seriously though, what exactly did I say that was wrong? Yes, perhaps I should not have blurted out what I did eventually blurt out, but I don’t see the harm in it. If I had said ‘I find you absolutely ravishing – let’s make wild animalistic love on the floor right now like a couple angry lions on deep fried crack’ then yeah, I guess I could see that as being perhaps a little disturbing. But I was paying her a harmless comment that had no innuendo or nefarious motive applied to it. What I said was not some kind of code in regards to me wanting, you know, THAT! Just because I choose to go by the name Nefarious in these posts, does not naturally mean I am so.

See, that is exactly what I mean by issues in communication and interpretation. I say one thing, where I explain how I do not know the woman, although she seems to be somewhat insinuating that I do by pairing up with me to help her around town, before paying her a non-threatening, non-sexualised comment, and suddenly, she runs, like an old limerick once said, over the hills and far away.

So yeah, maybe I do have an issue. Either I need to learn to shut the hell up, or I should get myself a girlfriend – then I can say all the things I want and not care if they are interpreted as deviant sexual comments because if she is dating me, then wouldn’t this young lady in question be willing to accept such commentary, regardless if it is meant to be sexualised or not?

I mean, I can understand the tower of Babel coming down and God having everyone speak a different language and all that, I mean, if you believe that interpretation of events, but what I don’t understand is how I’m speaking English, and the other person is speaking English, and we are both talking English, and have both been taught to speak English, yet one of us is obviously not getting the message because I say one thing (in English btw), and the other person hears something else. I mean, did I stutter? Or, in society today, does stating ‘you’re attractive’ naturally mean ‘I wanna have sex with you?’

Funnily enough, if I really am attracted to a person it usually takes me a while to talk to her – or I simply never do period. Perhaps I should apply my ideas of communication in general to this line of thought – then I’ll be onto something. Right? Probably not, but who knows. Like I said in a previous post, I have a rule where I don’t ask out women I either work or study with, and if I ever do so, I leave it to the very last second when I am about to leave or quit. Then, technically I am not breaking my rules, and I am additionally not annoying the young lady in question, which is my goal in not asking them out during my time there – to not annoy them. But that’s just my opinion.

I don’t think I’m annoying. I don’t think I’m a sex crazed loon either, but these seem to be the interpretations that are coming through with those who I communicate to…

…hmmmm, ponder about this subject I will.

Naughty Nefarious signing off

Girls in Games

 

Contains some coarse language and sexual references.

Girls in games. What are they? Well, apart from being, as already stated, girl in games, they are often characters of significant import. I mean, look at some of the major ones; Cortana, Tali Zorah, Liara T’Soni, Zoe, Alma Wade, Kat, Hawk, Princess Peach even, just to name a few. Now, what do all these women have in common? Well, they were all major characters. The main point I am attempting to construct here however is that they were all really ravishing. Even Alma (the older version, not the little girl), for who can resist a naked ghost girl intent on killing you? I mean Cortana; she may have been translucent, but she sure was something (here’s hoping the Chief and her totally get it on before Halo 6). Tali Zorah, and her skin tight space suit, along with that sexy accent of hers, Liara and her undiscovered alien body, Kat and that skin tight Spartan armor. All of these characters, let’s face it, are irresistibly gorgeous to look upon, and all have the bodies of an hour glass.

On top of this, the women who voice them, they are usually not half bad lookin’ themselves. I mean, I once went to one of those Mass Effect forum things and got a look at the woman who voiced Tali – now, she is something else. Let me tell you, I’d step over my mother, my father, and everyone else if it meant I could see her in reality.

However, I did not actually write this post to talk about how beautiful the characters were – well, yes, kind of, but I really want to draw the attention towards the fact that it is all FAKE. All of it is not doing the world of women in reality any real good I don’t reckon. Games create these false interpretations that every single woman on the planet is meant to have fantastic bodies, beautiful faces and sexy voices, which is not the case. I believe it is depictions such as these that cause real women to become so judgmental of their features. They see a woman who is so unreal looking that no woman in reality could ever look as real as she does, and suddenly develop these wild notions that they are not pretty enough. However, I am not calling for this to stop, for foxy lady characters are one of the major reasons to play video games if you ask me, I’m just stating the negative occurrences that come from such great entertainment. Where men find enjoyment, women may not find such pleasure. However, according to statistics a lot of women who play games play, you know, games of intellect, such as chess, and I can’t imagine too many women becoming upset or jealous even with the body the queen has, especially the red one.

In games, I actually, as a matter of fact, prefer to play as women. Maybe it is because the blokes are always designed to be huge, cumbersome brutes with so much muscle mass it makes wrestlers look skinny, and I know deep down that I ain’t ever gonna be that ripped, no matter how much  of a work out I do. But I think the real reason is that having a pair of breasts sticking out from your video game character brings a different flavor to the entertainment.

For one, I can check out my character all I like and not have to fear the reprisal. If you look so frequently at women in reality and their nice bods – things usually don’t go down well and people have a tendency to leave with a black eye or two.

Two, I am never going to experience what it’s like to be behind the wheel of a woman – I mean this purely as a living sense, not a sexual one – and in a game I can experience this, without the negative effects. I may seem ignorant by saying that, but I have come to realise women have really shit lives – they have periods for ninety five per cent of them, they have children, which is apparently a thousand times more painful, and then they endure the menopause. Computer game characters do not endure such vile treatment, which is beneficial, especially for me because many women I know believe the human species would have died out centuries ago if it had been left up to the men to birth the children into this world.

Three, women who kick arse are real foxy, and what is foxier than being in command of the woman who is kicking arse? I’ll tell you – nothing! Wait – being married to the arse kicking woman, that might be something, quite something indeed…

Of course, the women in games are only so beautiful because women in reality are. The one thing that sickens me about women are the women who have a problem with their looks (is sickens too strong a word? sorry people!). Many of my female friends have said ‘I’m fat’ because their boyfriend grabbed at their stomachs and said ‘this shouldn’t be here’ and indicate towards some flabby skin? Or because they read in an article that some Hollywood star weighs thirty eight kilos and they think weighing fifty six is too much? Or because their friend regularly goes to the gym? Or because, or because, or because! The list just goes on and on and on! If I had a dollar for every time I heard a woman bitch about her weight I would own this friggin’ world I tell you! My opinion? Do you want it? Well, if you’re reading this post I’ll assume you do. It’s simple – who gives a fuck I say! I would rather have a girlfriend who had some meat on her bones than have a relationship with a woman who, when she turns sideways disappears into the crowd. And if a woman is obese? Well, if she’s comfortable with how she looks, who cares! Who are we to say she doesn’t fit the social norm required because she’s not  one inch wide!

However, if the stereotypical female body was not so beautiful to look at, then the characters in games would not be either, and then there would be less reasons for women to doubt their looks too. There is always a flip side to these arguments. Let’s just say that whoever developed the female form, whether it be God or Mother Nature, did one helluva good job. But I think we all know who designed women – the same people who designed the pyramids – the aliens, and soon, they will be back – to eat us no doubt – humans make nice tooth picks, or so I have been told by my sources in the alien empire.

My conclusions? Women in video games are beautiful, smart, funny and memorable, which is exactly what all women in realty are. They are just yet to notice because of the pressure put on them to look so good, which they usually do before reading those bullshit articles. When women realise this, there will be one less problem in the world, and I will be able to enjoy my games so much more without feeling bad each time I check out a sexy character, for in the back of my mind one lingering thought will always be present – at least one woman in the world is going to compare herself to that unrealistic woman, and become disappointed with the results, when in fact she needn’t be, because she is perfect just the way she is.

This is Naughty Nefarious signing off, before returning to the mother ship. I’ll see you in the stratosphere!

Prometheus Review and 3D Effects

 

You know when you see a film and you just wanna talk about it? Well, that’s what I intend to do here. It was only yesterday that Prometheus came out in OZ, and it was today that I saw it at the cinema. I’m not too sure when it was released elsewhere in the world, but it often seems that Australia gets everything last, so for all I know it was released in the States ten years ago and we are only seeing it now. I mean, we only just received ‘Justified’ and in the States it’s up to season five? WTH!

Anyway, the review – Prometheus in Oz only came with an ‘M’ rating, probably due to the fact that there really isn’t very much blood. But that is not to say the film is not disturbing, cuz such would not be true. As a prequel to the ‘Alien’ franchise, Prometheus goes out of its way to change things up for its audience by presenting themes on the dawn of life, the creation of the alien species and that of humanity, and one has to admit that it is pretty interesting what the writers have done in this respect.

What the Alien franchise did however, apart from emphasising how if you want a good alien feature the creatures need to be dark, disturbing and really pissed off, is prove that women make pretty awesome protagonists. I remember in 2003, an entertainment magazine of sorts had a survey of which action hero would most people like to have come to their aid; Arnold Schwarzenegger, Sylvester Stallone, Vin Diesel or Bruce Willis, and the end result came back Sigourney Weaver, which I think proves my point.

Prometheus does this again with Noomi Rapace who plays Elizabeth Shaw, the lead scientist on the expedition who basically got the whole thing underway with her words after convincing Mr. Weyland to go through with the mission and fork in all the money required for it. However, who would have known that Ms. Rapce was actually very beautiful when she doesn’t have all that shit in her face required for her role as Lisbeth Salander in the Girl with the Dragon Tattoo series? I sure didn’t.

Like may female protagonists, Shaw uses her intellect to successfully navigate through the problems that occur, not being the stereotypical action man dragon slayer, which just goes to show how men are the action heroes cuz they go blasting into everything without thinking, whilst the women hang back and think it through before taking out their opponent with brains rather than balls. As a character, Shaw is a scientist as mentioned, but is grounded by her religious beliefs, and her faith has kept her going and motivated her to excel, which is a continued theme throughout.

The one character however that will probably intrigue you the most is the robot. Introduced at the start, he is quite the complex character, explaining how he has no emotions and does not care, but seems to contradict this by ensuring mission success of all that he is programmed to accomplish and using a rather darkened tone when emphasising certain ideas, often insulting those who he communicates with, before subtlety apologising, but doing so in a way that clearly states how he couldn’t care less. The most intriguing thing about his character however are his loyalties, and where they lie exactly; over the course of the feature he keeps switching positions from a character of whom is neutral, to a protagonist and then to an antagonist, before switching back to  a neutral one once more.

Additionally the film has a number of characters, this being introduced at the start with the mission computer expressing how there are eighteen passengers on board the vessel, which from the very start you can just tell means the writers have plenty of cast they can kill off, which they certainly go to town on as the film progresses. Safe to say, not everyone is going to live to see the conclusion. This is quite funny though, for most of the crew have a PhD in something or another, and yet one has to wonder why in films, even the smartest of characters still feel the need to bait an alien rather playfully as though they are an innocent child – even though they look like they are gonna truly screw the scientist over in the next few seconds which they always do. I will say this about the death scenes – when the creators of Prometheus kill someone, they REALLY kill them. People are gonna get burnt, blown up, melted, turned into alien monsters and have pieces of their bodies sliced and diced. Yes, good times.

On top of this, the film can be quite predictable, but not annoyingly so, for even if you know what is going to happen, it is either accomplished in such a disturbing, heart racing or exciting manner that it still captures your attention no matter what.

This is one thing the film does best – keep your attention, for even though the film goes crazy somewhere between half way to two thirds through the feature, it still mangers to keep you vested in watching it. The film has a lot of talking scenes and numerous explorations of science and religion, which do not clash as you might imagine, but seem to work harmoniously throughout the feature. Although these scenes are pertinent to the story, one sometimes has to wonder what Prometheus is – is it a science fiction feature, or a horror? Either way, the film seems to do a pretty good job at both.

Moreover, the special effects are absolutely out of this world awesome which will add to the attention grabbing properties of the film, however the amount of times you see aliens are quite infrequent, with the primary ones being humanoids. I am however not giving anything away by saying this because the opening of the feature introduces one of them to the character right before it commits suicide. They are quite human looking, with the difference that they are entirely bald and look as though there isn’t very much going on behind their jet black eyes, with huge muscular bodies, looking like they are part of a militarian race who believe that clothing either consists primarily of their birthday suits and metallic instruments. There are a couple additional scenes with face huggers, not the ones from the original franchise but ones that are incredibly different which just goes to show the audience the long line of evolution between 2094, when the film is set, and when the next one is almost, what, a century later?

The previous films seemed to be set quite a lot around breeding, I mean, the face huggers have that elongated sexual organ that they plunge into a human’s orifice to inject them with the next part of the evolutionary cycle? That is continued in this feature, in more ways than one, but rather loosely, with alien DNA being the primary bad guy rather than alien organisms.

The one thing about the film that was quite appalling were the 3D effects. Now, I don’t know if it was just the film, or the cinema I saw it in (Hoyts Xtremescreen, which according to the ad has better screen, sound and seating than all other venues and has the tendency to blow people right out of the cinema due to the quality). Okay, so a couple times a few particles came out, and closer towards the end when Shaw was running she came out of the screen, and I admit I was a little disappointed when she didn’t just fall straight into my lap, and the ‘depth’ wasn’t much to speak of either.

Yes, depth? What is depth? It seems that nowadays, depth is the new iconic 3D, and I would like to know what genius came up with that idea. I remember back in 1999, I saw a film at IMAX, where a group of archeologists dug up a Tyrannosaur skeleton, and throughout the film there were continuous 3D effects – rocks falling off a cliff and directly into your face. The egg they found cracking open, and the Tyrannosaur suddenly growing flesh in one’s mind and coming down to bite them, its face basically coming out an inch away from my nose. My point? Those days are gone, and 3D has been replaced with this pathetic excuse for imagery that is as 3D as an image a 2 year old could draw on a piece of paper.

I can only hope that 3D effects in the future become better than they are now and actually decide to come out at you. In fact, the most 3D thing about the film, was not the film at all, but the trailer for the upcoming Katy Perry behind the scenes feature, where glitter and beach balls came flying out of the screen, even Ms. Perry herself at one time jumping out and saying ‘hi!’

One thing that Prometheus will do is have you second guessing every jet black drink you will ever digest from this moment on. All in all, I give the film a 3.5 out of 5, or a 7 out of 10. I would see it again when it comes out on BluRay, but I probably would not make it a habit of watching it every night, or once a week for that matter.

The way the Video Gaming Industry has Changed

 

Just a heads up – there is a naughty profanity in this piece…somewhere. Don’t remember where though.

Has it changed? Well, you be the judge. What was once a rather unpopular industry is now incredibly well known, with more video games purchased in the US than movies in 2010 alone. I find this to be quite the figure, for it is far easier in my opinion to purchase a film, especially one that is pirated. Now, I ain’t admitting to anything, so any law enforcements officers reading this post should not take my words as those of a person incriminating himself. I am but saying that the copyright protection software on movies is pathetic when in comparison to that which is used for games, with far more in depth programs needed to get past the protection on each disc. So when the statistics say more games were purchased, I find it to be quite the statistic.

Then again, 2010 was a big year for games; Mass Effect 2, Bioshock 2, Bayonetta, Metro 2033, Halo Reach, just to name a few. But this is beside the point. The main issue I want to talk about is the popularity that has exponentially increased over the past few years. Now, more game companies have emerged across the globe, with more and more people from producers, directors and developers all realising the sheer potential behind the gaming market and all vying for the ability to be involved in the business. With more popularity means more customers, which in turn means more profit.

Who can remember when a video game was less than one hundred dollars? (Oz prices) Less than fifty? I remember when my family and I purchased Doom 2 all those many, many years ago on our trip to America, the game then being thirty six dollars if my memory serves me accurately. Thirty six dollars? That is American of course, but in a time when most games start at around one hundred and most leading retailers go all the way to one hundred and seventy five with their prices if it so happens to come in a shiny tin with a couple additional features, which is purely ridiculous for a special edition DVD usually costs fifty dollars, if that, I feel the price to be exorbitant.

On top of that, what you are purchasing has decreased as well. Now yes, I will admit, the graphics are flawless in comparison to where they once started and the experiences are just as incredibly fun, if not more so, with vibrant storylines and fantastic characters to lead you into the fabulous world of the game. However, what once left you with what could have been up to twenty hours of gaming, if not more, is now less than ten, and sometimes six. It took me four hours and thirty six minutes to clock Home Front on hard when it was released in 2011. I completed it the day I bought it. Now, what kind of deal is that? I spend one hundred and six dollars on a product that was yes, entertaining, challenging and engaging, but so short? I just got started and was beginning to enjoy myself when everything was cut short, and so soon?

I remember in 2007 when I played Crysis, I was disappointed that the game did not end the way Far Cry did. Far Cry had twenty levels of mayhem – Crysis, only eleven, with no visible ending in sight. Of course, if it had ended then Crysis 2 which in my opinion was a totally friggin’ amazing piece of gaming would not have been invented, so I guess a ‘thank you’ needs to go out to Crytek for doing what they did, and the franchise would additionally not be continuing on for a third time next year.

My point? And I do have one, is that what once was gaming has changed. This change is not as elaborate as the updated graphics or the famous voice over actors or the change in developers or even the wild and frantic fun that occurs during game play. No, it is money, and I do not mean the large allotments that we, the gamers fork out every year. With Darksiders 2, Far Cry 3 and halo 4 I’m looking to lose two hundred and seventy five dollars at the least, but that is not what concerns me. It is the greed of the industry that does. I remember once, which seems so long ago now, when I could walk into a store, pick up a game box, shake it up and down and hear the disc and the booklet jiggling around on the inside. Now, when I pick up a box and shake it – all I hear is the rising and the falling of the dividend.

Also, many games don’t even come with booklets anymore, another feature gone. Some companies might say they are saving the lungs of the Earth, but what they are really saving is the money they have accumulated from such a massive market.

Adjunctively size, and I do not mean yet again in the length of the game, but the amount of bytes it takes up on your machine as dramatically changed. I remember back in the day with Quake and Hexen which were unanimously a couple MEGABYRES each. I remember how I was unsure at the best of times as to what storage device to put them on – My Documents? Or C? Back in the day the computer only had a 1 gigabyte system so every megabyte spent actually meant something. Quite ridiculous when I come to think about it cuz now a days games are anywhere between 16 to 24 GIGABYTES each! To think back in the day I had to delete one of my games as to have the other installed onto the system cuz there just wasn’t enough space. Now, I have a cool terabyte of space and a portable terabyte which can be used to install all manner of programs onto, so space is never an issue. Back in the day there were around maybe three games on my computer at any given time. Now, there is at least twenty times that amount on my gaming computer alone, not to mention the amount of titles I have on XOBOX 360 and PS3.

Additionally, I remember when gaming was considered weird. Back when the first game was developed by some ‘nerd’ some might say, who thought ‘you know, I could write a program for that computer’ people probably though him to be insane (there was only one well known woman involved in gaming back all those years ago, so calling the guy a ‘him’ is not maliciously sexist). The gaming companies were tiny, I mean, look at Id! What was it? Between six and twelve people were involved in developing Doom, which is considered one of the greatest accomplishments in gaming history – the game that changed it all. Now, there are hundreds of people per company, not to mention everyone else required for the job. And those who played them? Who were they? I’ll tell you! Freaks! Losers! That is what I was branded by my peers and I’m sure others were too. Only a select few participated in playing games back in the early to late nineties. I played my first game was I was only three, when many of my peers were running around the backyard slapping the tap with a plastic spanner, hoping to be the next best plumber. I graduated from learning games like Chess to Heretic, then to Doom, Doom 2, Hexen, Hexen DK, Quake, and so on and so forth. I remember playing games at school, where the teachers prowled the arenas of the learning environment with massive sticks up their arses, hoping to catch that bad student and really make ‘em pay! Right under their noses we played multiplayer matches of Quake and Doom, and later Heavy Gear and Alien vs. Predator. Then in High School, we graduated to playing Quake 3 Arena, Unreal Tournament and Counter Strike, kicking ass in the computer pod, and as soon as the teachers arrived like clockwork, so friggin’ predictable they all were… we had already minimised the game and proceeded with the boring assignment we had been tasked to complete. I remember the girls shaking their heads at us, incapable of understanding how we could be enjoying ourselves whilst staring into a mindless box, whilst now a days they play COD with their boyfriends, well, when their boyfriends get bored from dying so friggin’ often of course. But not all teachers and students were so defiant in their beliefs that we were the freaks. I remember by Media teacher in Year Eleven, he comes in – and he busts us for the first time! He yells at one student, telling him to go back and slave away on his project, and once the student leaves? He sat down in his spot and began to play Counter Strike with us! He had no idea where to put the bomb, and it was funny to call him a ‘dumb cunt’ and have him not know who said it. But it was in this same period of time that others began to play, and play, and play, and as the more gamers entered our world and crowded it with their desires, the game developers began to change the way they made them; they became shorter; more expensive; and money and big business inevitably destroyed the one organisational organism that was yet to be touched by the hand of organisational greed.

‘So long’ I said to my first great, faithful love, of  whom I had plucked from my desk when I was but three and had grown to make sweet, passionate love to on a frequent basis. ‘So long my lovely. I will miss you.’ And just like that, like the many women who had broken my heart over the years, the one I had loved the most was gone – replaced by the new and considered ‘improved’ version, who wanted money and lots of it in replace for a shortened amount of fun.

So is it really a good thing that there are more gamers? If gaming was still unpopular amongst the masses do you think games would be so short and expensive? Or was it but an inevitability?

I prefer the old ways. But the graphics of today and the experiences we have, with characters the likes of Commander Sheperd, Master Chief, the Little Sisters, Alma Wade, Captain Price, Sergeant Fenix, all of it, are absolutely irreplaceable.

So is it a case of take the good with the bad? Perhaps. But like I said, I only wish that maybe it were still less popular. Now, there are so many gamers, and the time when I stood alone in a room, knowing I was unique and different because when I got home I would kill hordes of mutants and horrific alien enemies intent on our destruction – whilst everyone else would go play backyard soccer and maybe even work and do other, you know, boring things. That time has passed, I know, and I have adapted, but the pain is still there.

Damn the changing gaming industry. I only hope you continue to make me happy for the rest of my life. Unlike all the other people I love today (excluding my parents) from my Celeb crushes, to the young woman at university I wish I could confess my feelings towards, you might be the one I will never fall out of favor with, as long as you never fall out of favor with me.  I love you with all my heart video game world. Now please, do not break it once again, for if you change again, I only hope it is into something far more beautiful than what you are now. Hugs and kisses to you.

This is Naughty Nefarious, signing off.

Emotions beginning with the letter ‘L’

 

There is some strong coarse language in this piece, along with some sexual references.

I have discussed in previous posts my general ideas behind how to possibly determine how a woman feels, what they want, etc, but rarely have I discussed my opinion. Yes, all of what I discussed was MY opinion, but what I mean by this was that never did I state how I would go about such things. My opinions were nothing more than a general overview, which is something I wish to rectify in this post.

My general notion behind this piece is not an answer, but a question – what is love? It is a question that Haddway asked, which many people I have known throughout the years have simply laughed off. But what does a young man who has only ever had one girlfriend know about love? Yeah, I’m being positively honest with you now – one girlfriend. So who am I to talk about such things? What professional experience do I have in the matter? Not to be pretentious or egotistical, but I would like to think I’d have quite a bit. I would not determine a man who has had fifty girlfriends in his time to know more than me based simply on quantity. I would judge it on the quality of the romance that was explored in the relationship. Of course, I don’t just mean how often the couple had sex, or fooled around or made out. I’m talking about the feelings they had together. I know, boring topic to some. Many people I have known seem to think that if you have sex frequently it must be love. I would disagree.

As for my relationship resume? Well, I had my first kiss when I was five, and my second when I was six, and I didn’t kiss another woman until I was nineteen! It was then that I had a relationship with an American woman for eight months. Yes, an American woman, who was also a single mother. This relationship ended though when she decided to give her partner another chance for the sake of her daughter. This was her prerogative and I respect her for it, enjoying the time that we had together which were quite possibly some of the best days of my life.
Not once in my life have I ever had a relationship with an Australian. So when I mentioned in previous posts I was quite unsure about the signs Australian women give off, I was being brutally honest, otherwise you would imagine I would have won one of ‘em over by now, wouldn’t yer?

 I could argue that I had a purely sexual relationship with one of my friends that was on again off again over the course of a few months, but I would hardly refer to one night stands as being anything reflective of a relationship. I for one prefer relationships over one night stands due to their meaning. Relationships are on quite a heartfelt level, right? Sure, sex is great, I won’t argue against that notion, but I would rather experience it with someone I love rather than someone who won’t remember me in the morning cuz she was so far fucked out of her mind from the amount of alcohol running throughout her veins.

On another note however, at times I have quite enjoyed being single. I mean, the freedom one possesses at the time? You can do want you want when you want and spend all the money you wish or be conservative – there is no one to dictate the terms, for in a relationship, sooner or later everything begins to be shared around, and when you are single you can simply hog everything to yourself. If you want to walk naked throughout the house, feeling the breeze in places you have not yet felt the breeze, you can do so! If you want to purchase a pony and ride it around the backyard to your heart’s content, you can do so! If you want to drink booze every night and have potato crisps attached to your body as you eat and drink in front of the midnight telly with your pants half undone, your penis frequently popping up to say hello, you can do so! (This last one is not reflective of women I don’t believe)

But, then again you do spend an awful lot of nights alone, and although I do enjoy my own company, the silence sometimes becomes so loud that it simply dulls the sensors. It is then that you realise how lonely it feels to be alone when you wish there was someone to share the experience with. When in love, there is no greater comparison in my opinion – the feelings is so amazing. I don’t think I have ever been happier than when I have thought about the women I have loved or the feelings that have come from such romances.

So, now that I have discussed my background, I would like to discuss the topic at hand here – what would I do? Okay, hypothetically, there is the woman of my dreams. Let’s call her Elisha for arguments sake. The problem I find with women is that they are always in groups. Never are they on their own. So how to split her and her friends up temporarily to have her all to yourself?

This is not as easy it would sound. Not because the task is difficult, but because of my views and values. I have a rule – I do not date women I work with, and I carry this rule onto university. You see, at high school, you can leave whenever you wish. It ain’t mandatory. However, people choose to go to university, and it can cost anywhere between ten to thirty thousand dollars to accomplish a three year course, depending on the study you are undertaking. So, I would consider myself to be doing women a favor in this circumstance by not coming onto them because they chose to go to university to gain an education, not go to a university to be hit on by some arsehole.

So, first step in telling the woman of my dreams I fancy her. BREAK MY RULES! TOSS OUT THE BOOK! HELL, WIPE MY ARSE WITH IT!

So, after that, next step? Well, to acquire the woman in question I would believe there to be two direct methods, if not three. One, go up and ask the woman if you can have a moment. I would not say what the matter is concerning, but try to deflect the question, i.e., ‘why can’t two human beings just talk amongst each other?’ or some line like that as to convey the simplicity and normality of what you are saying and to imply there is no alternative motive, which there certainly is! Additionally, you could e-mail the woman. Use the e-mail account that she has with the university and ask her when she is available during university hours to catch up, or talk about an assignment? Or, if you have her number, which I unfortunately do not (actually I did for a group project, but I deleted it when the group project was finished, FUCK!), and so call her instead and ask her that way.

Hopefully her friends do not come. However, if you are feeling bold and do not care about other people viewing what you have to say, explain that her friends can come if the woman in questions feels she would need protection. Now, lure the woman away from the general public to a corner area where prying eyes will not see, unless of course her friends come too, then prying eyes there will be, so skip this step then if it is but worthless.

I would first up explain that nothing will change. I will try to make it sound as though the conversation is to be normal, although my explanation may do the complete opposite. I would say that if she did not enjoy what I had to say, that her word would dictate how things would go, and if she did not enjoy my words and what they were explaining that we would never speak of the matter. Simply pretend it never happened and continue onwards like one always did, with promise of perhaps never talking to her again if it would please her. I would keep this speech however short and sweet as to not spark too much anxiety.

What to say next? I would begin by subtlety explaining how I feel towards her. By subtle, I do not mean come out right and cry ‘I FUCKING LOVE YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!’ No, not subtle enough I am afraid. I would explain that she does mean something to me, but without using such words.

As for what to say next? I wouldn’t. A kiss is nothing, not even a first one. It is the passion behind it that has meaning. So, with that said I would kiss her there and then. If she likes you, there is every opportunity she might kiss you back. If she proceeds to knock your block off, I would consider that to be a ‘no’, so I would recommend this move to men who are REALLY in love with the woman of their dreams.

‘Love’ being the next step. If there is no other word one can find to describe their feelings for this woman, then love in my view would be the acceptable answer. I would ask yourself this though? Do you long to hold her in your arms? To feel the gentle taste of her sweet lips on yours? Do you think about nothing but her, and does not having her fill you with anxiety, frustration and horror? Is she in every breath you take? In every pore? In every heart beat? In everything that you do? Does she torment you in you sleep, her memory haunting you? Does the very sight of her give you cause to smile ever so perfectly? If all these and more are symptoms one is suffering, I would probably say that the term ‘love’ to be the most accurate in its definition, and to say ‘I’m in love with you’ to be perhaps the perfect way to end this. She now knows where you stand, and has the opportunity to continue or end what is there and then, or sleep on it if the case may be. It also is not a question. I find asking a woman out to be not very nice. Three times I have tried this on Australian women I liked. Twice they rejected me, and on the third occasion the woman’s father did.

However, kissing the woman in question is not a good idea if she happens to have either a boyfriend, girlfriend or crazy deranged father. If you wish for your life expectancy to be cut short and the number of days you have left on this Earth to be measured between the numbers ‘naught’ and ‘zero’, I would totally recommend this course of action!

Well, that is my plan. Foolproof it is not. Also, I have never tried it, so if you do and it fails, well, at least I’ll know not to use it for myself! I’m not saying I ever will, I’m just saying how I might hypothetically go about getting the girl via unconventional means.

As always, this is Naughty Nefarious signing off. Thank you for reading.

How do you know if a woman likes you?

Really, if you came for advice, allow me to assure you of one thing – you sure ain’t gonna find it here. I didn’t develop the title of this post because I was going to discuss the sudden breakthrough I made of realising how women showed their affections towards you. No, not at all.

Now, I don’t know about other blokes, but I cannot read between the lines. Women give off so many different signs that one can interpret, that you would need a novel, or ten, to properly familiarise yourself with half of the different codes. I however, if it’s any conciliation, can tell when a woman doesn’t like me. That, I am good at. I don’t know about women from other places around the world, but if there’s one thing you can say about Australian women, it is that at least a third of them are blunt and open. I say that because at least a third of the women I have come across have indicated their distinct loathing towards me. Some I don’t even know, and they come outta the blue and up to me to explain ‘I hate your rotten guts’, but it is usually in not such nice terminology. The other thing you can say about that distinct third amount of women – they are not shy when it comes to expressing themselves.

Another great way to tell a woman doesn’t like you is if they go out of their way to avoid you – also a frequent occurrence in my life. In university, yes, even at university, I have noticed women walking down the hall I happen to be located in, spot me, and indicate to their friends that I am there by pointing at me, and like I am the creature from the black lagoon itself, they turn around and go, sometimes the long way around, to get to their endeavored location just so they can avoid me. This is still that third of the women I was talking about.

Now onto the other two thirds – they are the ones who refuse to communicate verbally, but with physical gesture. One could argue that if a woman notices you and speaks to her friends and they giggle that this is a good sign. One could even say that a woman who frequently looks at you is telling you something good as well. Or a woman who speaks to you often, or even a woman who says ‘hi’ to you, even though you have not spoken in several months. Perhaps even a woman who looks jealous when you talk about other women?

There is one thing I will say – whoever designed the male species, or at least whoever designed me, did a very piss poor job – because like I said, I cannot read between the lines, and nor can many other guys I have known. Hell, some have even given up whilst at university with the sole intention of pursing their studies. I wish that was me. It was my intention up until recently at least, but back onto the topic at hand. If a woman giggles to her friends after looking at you – they could be laughing at something someone else said, or hell, they could be laughing at you, who knows?! A woman who looks at you might be looking everywhere but at you, even if her eyes happen to come across your direction. You could be sitting next to the man of her dreams, or the woman of her dreams if she so happens to swing that way. A woman who speaks to you might have simply being raised to be courteous and kind, and a woman who looks jealous, well, she may have a thousand reasons for being so.

The end point here is INTERPRETATION. What the eyes see the mind interprets, and depending if you yourself are compromised romantically, the heart will determine this to be something of import as to further the belief that the woman is as affectionate towards you as your feelings are towards her. Like I said in a previous post ‘sometimes the heart is stupid’, and some of the themes already brought up in this piece are reminiscent of that discussion.

Unfortunately the only really good way to find out is to talk to her, which can be as simple as leaping out of an air plane without a chute. Yes, that is simple, I realise that, but I am trying to paint the picture that it is VERY DANGEROUS! Nuclear even! If you ask me, women, yes, do not have as many rights as men, and equality is an issue that needs to be invested in. But when it comes to relationships – I would like to state that women probably hold most of the power, especially when it comes to their dissolution. They plunge their fingers straight into the chest of the man who has feelings for them and rip out their still beating heart and hold it out before him for all to see. As his eyes glaze over, the last breath escaping from his lings, the woman tosses the heart like a pro cricket player as it slaps into the wall behind the location of the man, its red sticky surface connecting with the wall and lingering as it groans its final few beats. With that, it slides across the surface of the plaster before collapsing onto the ground, the red ooze that was once considered life beginning to drain from the once proud love organ, now rendered obsolete.

Women sometimes also have a tendency to talk. So too do men, but I’ve found women especially when it comes to who likes ‘em, unless of course they find the man asking them out or confessing his feelings to have humiliated them and by talking about such a thing would lesser their stature in the eyes of their friends. However, in cases not like that, women can talk about what happened, laugh and sigh and eventually, sooner rather than later, it’s like all the women in the city know about what went down. Not good at all.

So, apart from embarrassment, pain, loss, what else can come of this? Well, I do know what one can do in replace of – research. So many people have social media pages now, and many state if they have a partner. The only problem is that you need to be logged in to access such information, and sometimes you even need to be their ‘friend’ (bugger!). Also, some sites record who visited so one can find out who looked at their pages – when I say ‘research’, I mean discreetly – to get away with it as to not alert anyone to your planning. Have I done this? Once. Did it work? Well, it stopped me from pursuing the woman in question, and ultimately stopped me from acting the fool.

On another note, what do I think would be good? I know in Hawaii, in certain cultures women wear a flower in their hair on a certain side of their head, and depending on what side depends on their status – whether they are taken or solo, which can aid in one’s quest. It would also be good, if that one third of the women I talked about earlier, actually encompassed the entire percentage of them, which meant that all would confess their feelings whenever they wished. This however would not be so good if all the women in the world loathed your guts, but that is just the risk one would have to take.

So all in all I am assuming that nobody learnt anything from this post? Well, I know I sure didn’t learn anything I already didn’t. I began this post with no idea how to tell if a woman likes you, and I am about to leave with the exact same mind – a very empty one. I guess if you want information on this subject, either look it up on Google, or ask a woman to simply tell you the signs. They might not though, because the world of women is a secret society that few men are ever granted access to. I know I ain’t ever gonna be blessed with such a rite.

Well, that’s all for me and this post. Sorry for the lack of information folks!

Daughter or Son?

 

Contains sexual references.

Daughter or son? Son or daughter? Who would I prefer? Now, I am yet to have children. You need a partner to have them. Well, that’s my belief. But that ain’t gonna stop me from discussing who I would prefer if I had the chance. Now, I would not use science and choose the sex of my child whilst the egg dances inside my hypothetical partner’s womb. No. I would let nature take its course. But if I am so adamant about who I want, why leave such a massive decision in the hands of chance? Why not? I can still have my hopes and wishes? Besides, science is not always right. Things can go wrong. Doctors said my mother was having a daughter. Time and time again they told her. But, I am a bloke, actual and whole. Well, I think I am. Let me check (I should probably know from how frequently my hands are in that general area) Penis? Check. Testicles? Check. No vagina or breasts? Not to my knowledge. If humanity had children by chance for so many centuries, I think I can live by such a code as well.

But that is still to answer my question, a daughter, or a son? Many guys would ask for a son to continue on the legacy of their family. Not me though. Surprised? In some parts of the world I might very well be crucified for saying I would want a daughter over a son? But why? Does it have anything to do with the fact I think women are smarter than men? Is it because I think they are more sweet, especially when they are younger? Well, it certainly wouldn’t be from having to worry about all the penises that might suddenly come chasing after her when she is of maturity. No. There are two reasons in fact. One funnily enough is Hollywood. In some films, the lead little girl is incredibly cute in the way she behaves. Like the little girl in Miracle on 34th Street – she was so incredibly smart and determined, and at such a young age. In Bioshock 2, the Little Sisters! They were so adorable in what they said – so sweet and polite.

The second reason, and this is the more pertinent one funnily enough – is the name. When it comes to creating names for women, I believe I have a certain ability for it. Not so much for blokes though. I would love to have a daughter as to name her Wilhelmina (Billie for short), Ophelia, Tamika, Tanyr, Prish, Dominica, Aayla, Aria, Tricisca (Trick for short), Lizabella and so on and so forth. (Might need more than one daughter to ensure any, if not all of these names can be used).

On another note, when the young lady enters puberty and begins to get her period – yeah, that ain’t gonna fill me with happiness – especially since I won’t know a single thing about how to accommodate her. Don’t worry, I know enough to know where to put the contraption (I’m talking about the tampon, although I wouldn’t know which one to buy cuz, have you seen how many brands? There are billions of them! Who would have guessed there needs to be so many kinds! They dry up liquid and stop it from going everywhere! How many kinds of devices do you need to do that very same job? Millions it would appear!) and what generally happens – but I’ve never had to talk a person through it – and I have no personal experience so how could I possibly know how much agonising pain she/they are going through?

But that is one issue I am certain I could live through unscarred. To see her grow up (with one of those names) would be quite the joy. Plus, what she would turn into! Another awesome occurrence! Well, I would not mind having a daughter who was incredibly smart, you know, a smart chick who was quite foxy in her own way. A daughter who was passionate about certain issues and was not scared to voice her concerns. A daughter who eventually joined the army and kicked arse on the front line as well as any male soldier. And I wouldn’t mind a daughter who eventually grew up to become a gothic lesbian in a heavy metal rock band who sang, played guitar and wowed audiences all over the globe (wouldn’t have to worry about boyfriends and penises then). (btw, I’m not gay, I just wouldn’t mind a gothic lesbian is all – who was tattooed too, don’t forget that, needs lots of tats! And studs!).

I mean these things – these are things you cannot ask of a son I don’t think. Especially the lesbian part. The only thing I would fear is losing them before I had left this Earth. And not to be greedy, but I don’t wanna check out for at least another cool few decades. That is the one thing I could not stand. To go through raising a child – feeding her, playing with her, paying for her, and of course, loving her with all my heart. Only to have the police arrive on my front porch when she had only just turned eighteen and say ‘Mr. Nefarious, your daughter has been in an accident’, that ‘accident’ been either a drunk driver or a deranged lunatic with a knife wanting a quick buck from her wallet, or a rapist who wanted a little more than just the money.

That, like I said, I could not take, nor could anyone. I realise it is a fear any parent has, but I guess the risk in the end is worth it. But how do they get past that fear? I’m not sure I could. My upbringing was not exactly a paradise. My parents were fine – they gave me almost everything I ever asked for. School however, and an awful lot of places outside of the home – that was an entirely different matter. Now, I realise many people have had lives far worse than mine; lives that make mine look like a walk in the park. But people do not get better. They get worse. Murder and other such crimes have never been higher than they are today. Those perpetrators are only going to get worse. Students kill each other at school now. And in the future, it will be a lot worse for the next generation. My question is, how can I guarantee my child’s safety, when I cannot guarantee mine now whenever I leave the house? I mean, I’m  a bloke, someone who is considered to be tough, right? If I cannot be one hundred per cent sure I can leave the house in the morning and return home that night with all my bits and pieces still attached, how can I protect my child in the future?

But if I don’t have a daughter, then how can I give her one of those names and watch her grow up to be a gothic lesbian in a band, or engage in any other possible career path? I guess this is just one of those times when you simply must run the risk to earn the reward. And what a reward it could be.

Naughty Nefarious, signing off.