What do women want?

Just a heads up, this piece contains a few sexual references.

Maybe I haven’t had enough relationships to determine what is and what ain’t. Perhaps truth lingers in that sentence, but I still feel I have gained enough information to acknowledge my personal opinion on the matter. Now, it is true that many blokes believe that they haven’t the foggiest as to what women want. Hell, I used to be one of them. But it came to my attention not too long ago that the answer is really simple, and at the end of the day most women stereotypically I have come to find are after the exact same things. Now, when I say stereotypically, I mean in Australia, and by Australia, I mean Melbourne. Perhaps women overseas are different?

One thing I have found is love; I don’t think it’s on the menu. Now ladies, if you happen to be reading this, before you grab your torches and pitch forks and come looking for blood, please, allow me to continue.

I used to have this, well, what I would call a rather stupid opinion now that love would always win out. But that is Hollywood for you. In those films the man always gets the girl regardless of his stature or what he has to offer. As long as he has love in his heart and is willing to provide this undying affection to the woman he cares for until the end of time itself he is able to successfully wrap his arms around his lover and never let them go. SOB! Oh, sorry, think I just got to myself just then. Let me get me self a tissue before I continue. Rightio!

Australian and American films are similar in this aspect because they both promote certain amounts of realism in their films. Many evolve around stereotypically average people who live stereotypically average lives before something happens to dislodge this idea of normality which inevitably leads to the more exciting, you know, unrealistic occurrences. But in romances especially, the issues of realism are especially apparent and that is what makes films contradictory to life. If one was to believe what they saw in cinema, then they would believe, as I once ignorantly did that love could inevitably conquer all. Sometimes I think that if Hollywood was more like Bollywood this wouldn’t be a problem. It’s not that I think Bollywood makes better films. It’s that their movies are so vastly different from life itself that there is no way one could ever believe there were any comparative traits, with the audience frequently adsorbed in the suspension of disbelief due to the lacking amount of realism. Yes, the lacking amount. Hollywood and Oz have too much of it when it comes to films, which is what can make blokes like me confused.

So, like I was saying, love ain’t INITIALLY on the menu. That is not to say that it wouldn’t happen, but I believe women are after something far more right from the very start.

What is this you might enquire?

Well, first off, the category would be looks. Yes. Now, I used to believe that women cared more for what was on the inside (no, not guts and organs, but feelings), whilst men cared solely for what was on the outside (physical beauty, breasts, etc).

Now, if that were so, and women cared for what was on the INSIDE, I think I’d be a far better hit with the ladies than what I am. I will admit, I ain’t the best lookin’ bloke in the world, but even so, if women cared for feelings and not for looks, they would disregard that fact and I’d have women dangling from my arms each and every day. Not true however. Also, scars. It is said that women dig them, but if that were so, I’ve a couple across my body and I’m not getting’ any additional looks from the ladies for ‘em. If anything, they are a deterrent. Perhaps some blokes out there can speak differently, if so, maybe you could tell me what I’m doing wrong. Or perhaps, it’s only a certain scar that gets ‘em all hot and heavy. Damn, I should have told the doctors at the hospital that before they cut me open two years ago as to leave the RIGHT kind of scar! (Slaps forehead in anger) Why didn’t I think of that?

Okay, but I’m kinda getting’ off track here, so, back on topic. Looks, right? Now, when I talk about ‘looks’, I do not mean sex. Women have the benefit of not having a penis. Now, many people may wonder ‘what do you mean?’, but, allow me to say this. Women have one brain; a rather large one located in the centre of their head. Men have two; a very tiny one in their skull, and an incredibly large one in their penis. I think it is obvious what I am trying to say here. And unfortunately, the one in a man’s penis usually wins every single argument;

Brain in Head: Let’s watch a movie

Brain in Penis: Let’s masturbate!

Brain in Head: Let’s work on those reports due in three days time

Brain in Penis: Let’s go to a bar and get me freak on!

You see, it’s a no win situation; men are but slaves to the thing that hangs on the end of their stomachs. Women however are not. Women are capable of thinking logically, and when they begin to date a bloke, I believe it is not accidental or what have you, but a very well laid plan.
I am trying to emphasise that when blokes get together and talk, they communicate to one another about sex. That is the prime focus of any conversation. How good was the girl last night? How many times did it happen? Additionally, masturbation is another key topic at hand, something I have not once ever heard any of my lady friends talk about.

What do women talk about exactly? Not sex, I’ll tell you that much, and if they do I haven’t been present when they have. No, they talk about boys. ‘Isn’t that a sex topic though?’ you might ask. No, because they talk about how they look, hence the reason why women enjoy dating guys who are good looking. They can then report back to their friends about how cute their boyfriend is.

I have come to believe that men and women have one thing in common – we are all at competition with one another. Men are in competition to see who is the better person in bed (although bed is one of the last places it happens now a days), whilst women are in competition to see who has the better looking boyfriend. Basically, guys with good looks are going to win out with girls against those who are not blessed with such a thing because of this very reason. On top of this, women want to be with a guy who is good looking because I believe women like being noticed. On Twitter, I once posed the question ‘why do young women insist on wearing tight clothing when they don’t appreciate blokes such as myself checking them out?’ The answer is simple really – they want to be noticed, often only by a certain group of people. They also want to make other girls jealous. Men make other men jealous due to size. Women make other women jealous with looks, and a good lookin’ boyfriend is just another way to achieve this.

Secondly, I believe women are interested in money. If a guy is endowed with a good influx of capitol women are more likely to present themselves to him. I believe women want a guy who can buy them whatever they want. And if all women are the same, then that is a lot of stuff; shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, shoes, and that’s just Monday’s shopping list. Tuesday; dresses, dresses, dresses, dresses, jeans, jeans, skin tight jeans, shirts, shirts, shirts, jackets, jackets, bla, bla, bla, Wednesday; and the list goes on.

In the past I have known some guys who had girlfriends for this very reason. Everything was going fine – until the money began to run out. Having a girlfriend is like having a child I have found. It is an incredibly taxing endeavor, literally. To keep them impressed you need to provide what they want when they want it; jewelry, clothes, you name it. Now, when the money did run out for those guys I mentioned earlier; bye, bye. The ladies milked them dry, before instantly moving onto the next guy who could provide. Now, maybe that was not the stereotypical woman, and maybe they were young and just wanted someone to provide to them what their parents wouldn’t, but still, money is a very large concern.

I know for a fact that women love to dress up, and when they do so, they want to go out to be noticed, hence, back to looks. They don’t get dressed up just to have dinner at mum’s house every Wednesday night. No, they want to go to that fancy Greek restaurant down the street where it’s a cool five hundred for a plate of food about one inch by one inch, before another three hundred is needed for the desert.

Now, what else is needed to get this money? A job! But not just any job – a good one, and that is the next quality women are after. A guy with a good job gets money, and a guy with a good job will also make for a good conversation when comparing boyfriends with the girls. A guy with a good job will gain respect and the ability to move up the ranks of the corporation before one day very well owning it. This will also satisfy women on another level; although they may not realise it when they are younger, many woman are destined to have children, and the steps they make to finding a boyfriend often evolve around what will be good material for a child. Money is of course one factor. A guy with a good sum of money will be able to provide for the lil guy when she/he comes into the world.

A good job and a nice amount of money also leads to the next thing women are after; a nice car. Guys in good jobs may be granted a company car, but those with money could always buy one as equally sublime. Sometimes it isn’t the car’s looks that a woman is interested in; just the fact the guy has a car is good enough because then – they have their own personal taxi service that can run them around wherever they wish. Seems pretty well thought out actually – date a guy, and get the perks. Additionally, a car, especially a good looking one will do wonders when going back to talk to their lady friends about their man.

Lastly, women want a man who has a place of his own. Remember how I mentioned Wednesday nights at mum’s place. Well, I did not mean the girl’s mum’s house – I meant the blokes. I don’t know about anyone else, but there is something unsatisfying about being at a parent’s house with a partner. There is also something pretty sexy about it too, and funnily enough they are both the exact same thing; the fear of being caught. It don’t matter what age you are, getting’ caught never gets old.

But then, that’s the benefit of having a place of your own – you never have to fear being caught. Now, I don’t mean a flat where the bloke has about a hundred other friends living three, all walking around in their birthday suit and interrupting the dinner the guy has planned for his girl constantly by happening to enter the kitchen  with little more than a linen cloth between their genitals and her body. So, with that said, a guy who has a place of his own with nothing more than his shadow for company will get the girl due to the privacy and seclusion the accommodation unconditionally offers.

So, according to this bloke, whose detective skills are somewhere between naught and zero and whose knowledge on women in general could probably be summed up on a piece of paper one centimeter by one centimeter, women want a man who has:

-good looks


-a good job

-a good car

-a place of his own

So guys, if you don’t have any of these features, it is really simple to gain them. First, win the lottery. Second, put half the cash in the share market and pray to God it don’t crash. With the rest of your winnings, get yourself a facelift, a car and a house of your own. Then, become one with a fortune five hundred company and the world of women will officially be your oyster.

Ah, not so hard. NOT, being the operative word.

Additionally however, women also want a guy who can cook, clean and fix things around the house, from the taps to the light globe to the gutters, but these are just additional accessories I believe women look for after discovery of the five primary traits discussed above.

As always however this was just my opinion and I did not mean anything nefarious by them. Or did I? Because Nefarious is my middle name. Actually, it’s me last, but you get what I mean…

Thank you for reading.


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